More “Getting Past Your Breakup”
December 9, 2006 by susangpyp
I received a lot of email on the “After the Breakup” post so I will answer some of the questions and concerns here about remaining friends, breakup sex, losing mutual friends, sharing children, and chemistry shifts after the breakup:
1. Trying To Be Friends With The Ex
A big, looming question after the breakup seems to be: “Can we still be friends?”
Unfortunately the answer is probably no.
There are several reasons for this, but first and foremost is that even after the most amicable breakup, the people involved need some time so they can work through their feelings and sift through the ruins of the relationship. Even if it was not an emotional high-wire act, as many breakups are, there needs to be time apart to break the bond of “the couple.”
Each person needs to separate and go back to being an individual without being a part of the couple. In other words, to lose the “couple” identity. Each person needs to do their work and become an individual once again. Each needs to deal with the breakup in their own way and DEFINITELY separate and apart and away from the scrutiny of the person they just broke up with.
Most people cannot remain friends after a breakup but if it ever is to be, it will be later…much later. The atmosphere immediately following a breakup is too emotionally charged for it to happen right away, if at all.
Sometimes both people are “okay” with the breakup and try to be friends too early. I know one couple who had dinner every now and again after they broke up. They told everyone they were “friends” and liked to check in now and again. One night, about 2 months after the breakup, the dinner turned into a teary shouting match. Neither was prepared for it but both were moving onto other people and the revelation at dinner brought up all kinds of emotions that neither knew were there. If you’re going to be friends, EVER, the first six months is probably not the time no matter how amicable it seems on the surface.
The person who pushes to “be friends” is usually the one who has unfinished business but doesn’t want to own that or doesn’t want the responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the ex. That is a selfish motive and not fair to the other person. Do your work and let the other person do their work and heal. It is not fair to string someone along as a “friend” because you can’t deal with the pain of having them out of your life completely. As with any post-breakup dealings with the ex:Examine your motives.
A coworker recently said to me, “I want to be friends after the breakup and she doesn’t. She’s a terrific person and I don’t want her out of my life.”
If you’re the one who is asking to be friends, AGAIN: examine your motives. Are you trying to stave off the grief? Are you playing a game? Are you unwilling to really break all ties but don’t want the relationship either? Benefits without responsibility? That’s dysfunctional and wrong (as are any “friends with benefits” scenarios that sometimes follow a “breaking up as a couple.”)
Sometimes people can’t do “endings“. If you can’t do endings (if you’re still friends with absolutely everyone you’ve gone out with), you might need to think about that. Others just don’t end things and don’t know how. If your ex is one of those, don’t let him or her lead the way. Take charge of ending it and not remaining friends.
If you are the one who isn’t able to end things, don’t inject your inability to come to terms with the end of the relationship on the other person. It’s simply not fair. Yes, she’s hurt. And you’re making things worse. If she was so terrific, you’d still be with her. You cannot have it both ways. Leave it alone.
If you are the person who did not break up and is doing the contact, this is not a good plan. You need to move on. The other person needs to move on. If you are emailing or calling or texting and they are not answering, stop doing it. Sit on your hands if you need to. It’s humiliating. Leave it alone and get on with your life. It’s hard but it has to be done.
If you are managing to engage him/her, how does it feel afterwards? Do you feel good or did you just postpone the inevitable once again? Or did they let you know ITS REALLY OVER and you’re not hearing it or still looking for clues in what they are saying or doing that it is really not. Stop torturing yourself.
BURY IT.
If you’re the person who is being asked, say no. Short and sweet. Pure and simple. NO.
Don’t try to explain or rationalize…just say no or maybe no, not now. The problem with saying “not now” is that it will usually be followed by “When?” and you just don’t know. No is a one-word sentence. Say it and then go. No further explanation necessary.
2. Friends With Benefits and Sex With The Ex
Do not buy into “friends with benefits” scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding responsibilities, if not they are freebies and you’re using each other. Stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as friends with benefits. There is only “friends who have no idea what they’re doing to the detriment of themselves and each other.” That is the long title of “friends with benefits”. Don’t do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity and don’t give away anything unless the person you’re giving it to assumes some responsibility toward you.
While breakup sex with the ex seems like fun and a way to reconnect with someone who knows you, it also comes with confusion and more complications. Try to avoid it. Even if you have a terrific time, you will end up feeling confused and maybe even used, at the very least you have postponed the inevitable–you’ve got to say goodbye.
If it’s dead, bury it. DON’T sleep with it!!!.
3. Children
If you share children, the relationship needs to involve something resembling a business relationship. The children are the most important thing. Not you and your ex. Not your ex’s new girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse. Not your new girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse. THE CHILDREN are the most important thing. No one cares how you feel and no one should except your family and closest friends and they should not care about your feelings before the children’s feelings. Don’t manipulate each other with the children or use them as pawns. The children need TWO parents that put them above all else, including your new life, your new love, your ex’s new life and new love, the new love’s children, or the resentment you have toward each other.
The children need you to act civilly and like adults and show them unconditional love.
The more you treat your relationship with your ex like a business deal where the welfare and feelings of the children are front and center, you will have a better relationship with your ex. This DOES NOT mean you have no feelings or that interactions do not upend you, but outwardly you try to deal with it as a business relationship, keeping it very concrete and focused on the children. Reign in your feelings and “act as if” they are not there. DO NOT let your feelings about you and your ex and the breakup interfere with the dealings you need to get done about the children.
To read the On Children and Breakups post click here
4. Mutual Friends and/or Friends of “The Couple”
It is always hard when you share friends. They will shake out eventually. Some of them will pick you, some will pick your ex. Some will go back and forth before settling on one and some will disappear entirely. Some resurface later on, some do not. Let the friends worry about the friends. Yes, you liked them, yes it is more loss at a time when you can use support, but it is what happens. On the GPYP Grief and Loss audio lesson, we talk about “secondary” losses that are inherent in any loss…loss of friends is a secondary loss. Recognize it, feel about it, journal about it, talk about it, but don’t put an overwhelming amount of energy or focus on it. There are probably much bigger fish to fry. But because of the inevitable loss of some “couple” friends at the end of a relationship, it is always important to have your own best friend and your own group of friends.
That is why, when the relationship is at its BEST and you just want to cocoon with your love to the exclusion of all else, you should fight the urge to do that. After the first few weeks, if you’ve been ignoring your friends you really need to make time for them…and not gratuity time (when your new love is not around) but real quality time that is scheduled even when your new love is available.
Other Topics: I Was The Pursuer and Now He’s Chasing Me!
On another post-breakup topic, I received one email about how the pursuer is now the pursued. GJ writes, “I spent our entire relationship trying to get closer to him and just grew tired of it. Once I called it quits, he is suddenly running after me. I don’t get it. Now I’m confused.”
Usually there are “roles” of pursuer and pursued. One partner is usually the “more interested”. Sometimes these roles change after the relationship. The person who was cold and distant suddenly is in a panic that the pursuer has given up. Sometimes the pursuer gives up and then is suddenly faced with the reactions of the pursued that he or she always wanted, they suddenly feel confused about the breakup.
Every couple does a push me-pull me on some scale. The healthier the couple, the less dramatic it is. The unhealthier the couple, the more dramatic it is. The roles can switch completely or the role of pursuer and pursued can become so much worse and crazier after the breakup. That is another reason why no friendship and no contact is best.
GJ, call it quits like you wanted to…he only wants you because you don’t want him. To keep him interested, you have to not want him. While everyone (especially men) respond well to a small amount of intrigue and / or unavailability, going to this extreme is too much for a relationship to thrive. Other Topics: Communications After The Breakup: Why I Oughta….
I get mail about what to say after a breakup…or a week has passed and I thought of this ONE THING I really want to say and that SOB should know or I want to let him/her (or his/her new love) know how wretched s/he really is. Or I need to ask him/her if s/he wants this [fill in some innocuous thing here] she left at my house…and on and on….
I know a woman who once went back for a plastic bowl and interrupted the ex and his new girlfriend in the middle of a Sunday afternoon and carried on and caused a scene to which the neighbors called the police she was making such a fuss. The fuss, she said, was because he could not locate the plastic bowl. Do you really think that is what it is all about? Me neither. Before you wind up being taken away in handcuffs, think about if you really need that item or really need to return that item? If you need to return, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it…is it worth more than your sanity? Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If they decide that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down. A friend of mine told me to cut my ex off when he was listing my faults and say, “What you think of me is none of my business” and hang up or walk away. The only way to win is not to play the game. Another time I told him to blame it all on me, I didn’t care anymore. Another time I told him to tell his grievances to the judge. Do not get into justifying your present or past behavior. Do not use these exchanges as a chance to re-engage or justify your many positions. Forget it. It’s just more useless communication. Save your energy for building your new life.
Avoid doing the same to him/her. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you want this person to think about, but try to refrain from getting into that. It’s not healthy for YOU. The other person is NEVER going to see it your way. If you want to make them feel bad, you will achieve that for a second. Then it’s gone. Most people will chalk up a “broken hearted ex” to “oh well” territory. It’s not going to plague them forever (if at all) that they broke your heart. Most people want out more than they want to not feel guilty.
If you’re trying to elicit emotion in them, forget it. It’s a losing game. Only you will have spent all that energy and they’ll still be off…doing whatever it is they want to do. Save your strength for getting over it.
Likewise don’t hold your breathe waiting for an apology or for your ex to tell you that you really were a good person and he or she was wrong about x,y, and z. Who cares? Let it all go. Let them think whatever about you…right or wrong, good or bad…
Who cares if they realize tomorrow or seven years from now what a good person you were and what a jerk they were to let you go…it doesn’t matter. REPEAT AFTER ME: IT DOESN’T MATTER. What matters is you getting on with your life no matter what the ex thinks or doesn’t think. We don’t care what they think, Do we? No, we don’t. :)
Stay out of his or her head. Stop trying to make it all make sense. It’s not going to. It’s just going to drive you crazy.
Save your strength for getting over it. Because you will get over it.
Believe me…
You WILL get over it.
If you still have questions, feel free to write to susan@gettingpastyourpast.com and let me know if it’s okay to answer your mail on the blog. (without your name or any identifying info of course!)
Join Getting Past Your Breakup Email Support Group on Yahoo Groups! Link on right bar.
Click HERE to Read After the Breakup
or Get Past Grief and Loss Mp3
~~
Read more on the website about grief:
Click here to go to GPYP on Grief
Click here to go to the GPYP MP3 page.
Susan J. Elliott 12/9/06
[...] Several readers have asked me to identify where the Friends After A Breakup Post is: It is here More After The Breakup [...]
I just want to scream!!! It’s all the things I did and yes, he still went off and did whatever it was he was doing. I feel so relieved that you have put all my feelings into words. If you’ve written this then there are others who have done/are doing the same thing. I am not alone. This motivates me to do better and very different. Thank You! Feels like someone just turned the light on.
Welcome Solaris! Thank you for your post. Peace to you in 2007. -Susan
My ex sent me an email wanting me to remain friends with him and I told him I did not feel that is would be appropriate to remain so since he will be moving in with another woman in another state. He was the one who broke it off with me because he was no longer attracted to me and that he always had an interest in this Other Woman even before he met me and he was going to move in with her before we met, but decided to give us a try first. He also said that they always loved one another and just did not realized until now and that he was waiting for it to work out between them. They had been corresponding by internet and telephone for the past three years and did not meet each other until a week before this past Thanksgiving and he spend two weeks with her! Then he decided to move in with her the second week he was with her. I am sure the honeymoon was incredible between the two of them. So he is pulling up his roots here and moving 900 miles away to live with her and her two teenage kids at the end of Jan. this month. He has a mentally screwed up kid who is 18 and does not go to school dropped out at 16, does not drive, or ever worked. Her two kids are 14 and 19 and live with her. Now can you imagine what kind of choas that will be after he has settled in with her!!! lol
And he told me that he still talks to his ex-girlfriends and some are the best of friends to him and that she has her men friends, all is good as long as they are not intimate partners! Bull S**t! I see where this is going….downhill fast! So NO way am I remaining HIS friend. She was waiting in the wings for him the whole time he was with me and I refuse to be someone he can come back to when this live in arrangement does not work out for him and her.
I say good ridence to him and HE is HER problem now and I, also, heard from his mom there is another one out in the Southwest somewhere who may be waiting, too!
Carol: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You are so right to not want to try to be his friend! He sounds like a dysfunctional mess! Yes, good riddance to bad rubbish. She won the brass ring…LOL! You are doing well!!! Happy 2007!
I love the articles on here. I’m going to be truthful, I was with my ex for 4 years, we lived together. Most of the reasons we broke up were admitedly my fault. I tried to apologize to my ex for as many of my faults as I could remember, but she wouldn’t accept the apology. I would like to be friends with her again, someday down the road, but when she is so closed off with her stone-walling rather than communicating I don’t see how it is feasible at this stage. I’m not really sure what I want, other than I want her to know the truth rather than the lies she might be believing. I want her to know that I care about her. And I would like to be forgiven at least to a certain degree. I never knew that apologizing for your mistakes would be a mistake in itself.
[...] Read More After the Breakup Post [...]
I am an emotional mess. Yesterday a 2-year relationshiip ended with a married man. I have asked myself for forgiveness for allowing the relationship to start, I have tried to understand myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. I feel horrible after the breakup and even worse for committing an absolute sin. I love him to no end, I gave him my heart and my soul- 200%. The last time he ended it he said he loved her and was not going to leave her …that was back in Oct 2006…less than 2 weeks later we were at it again and seeing each other alll while he was still married. What is wrong with me…I have lost all morals and self respect. I am an idiot who can’t move on. He continues to call and email me saying he loves me and that we;ll get through this, that we;ll find a way to be together for good. I don’t beleive him, but I easily fall for it. I can’t eat, concetrate, I feel weak and can’t sleep. I wish this pain would just turn to anger right now…it would be easier to deal with it.
the hotter the love, the colder the breakup
[...] More on “After the Breakup” [...]
Thank you so much for this post and the other “After the Break up”.
I just had a year-long relationship end with a girl (she ended it) who I thought I had fallen in love with. I almost made the same mistake I did when I was in college where I would constantly email and call the girl I broke up with thinking there was some hope we would get back together. I was tempted to do it again this time, but this post, and my past experience, has helped me get through it so I don’t make the same mistake again. She even tried to claim we will be friends and to call her anytime, but her number is already off of my phone and her email address is no longer in my contacts. I haven’t talked to her in two weeks and slowly am getting back to normal.
Sure it’s painful to get through and one always wants to try and “make things right”, but cutting off contact is usually the best thing to do because otherwise, you will always think things will work out when there is probably little chance. If things were destined to work out, you’d already be back together.
Posts like this and others on this site help people like me, even with previous experience in breakups, get through the tough times and know that there are other people out there facing the same pain and heartbreak.
Thanks again!
The advice about not trying to remain friends after the break-up is VERY GOOD ADVICE! I tried for 10 years to remain friends with an ex b/c he had always pushed it and I never stopped to think until I read this blog that it was his unfinished business that always kept him pushing for a friendship. He even would use the words “unfinished business” when he would recount his feelings for me at various times over these past 10 years, and every time it only tortured me. He was the one who had broken up with me and yet he supposedly kept having these lingering feelings for me. He even supposedly broke off an engagement b/c of me, yet he never acted on those “feelings” and never made wanted to make a commitment to me.
When I finally met my husband and he found out I was getting married he suddenly became less interested in staying friends. I guess that should have clued me in, but I tend to be a pretty trusting person and didn’t get it until this last year and he completely dumped on me. He all but accused me of luring him into an affair (which we DIDN’T DO by the way) but he was apparently still feeling various “unresolved feelings” for me even though he too is now married to someone else. His wife must have had a clue b/c she didn’t want him to talk to me anymore and his contact with me ended abruptly and rudely. I was blamed for all his relationship woes in the end and when I sought closure from the past 10 years of up and down emotions I have been completely ignored. It’s true that you have to find your own closure from relationships and trying to stay “friends” usually only leads to heartache and emotional headaches especially once you’re in a new relationship.
Take the advice from this blog and DON’T REMAIN FRIENDS!! I know what it’s like to be guilted into staying friends-DON’T FALL FOR IT! It’s their hang up and selfish on their part to want you in their life, but not the way YOU want to be in their life.
Do your own thing after the break up and put that person behind you. Anything other than that only prolongs healing and prevents forming future healthy relationships. If the relationship ended remember that it ended for a reason. If you were meant to be together you would be and since you’re not LET IT GO. I say this as a person who has had to learn this the hard way.
Let the relationship go-in all formats!! You’ll be a much healthier and happier person for it!
I broke up with a girl three weeks ago that I had been dating for about six months. I thought things were great and went away on a two week trip thinking things could not be better. I come back and she suddenly decided the relationship was over and walked out on me. I made the mistake (before reading sites like this one) of emailing a few days later telling her how I felt and got back a long resposne about why she broke up with me (some I and some that i still can;t figure out). Then i made the next mistake of calling her when I got her resposne without thinking ahead and just made it worse, and then tried to apologize again by email, but never got a resposne.
It was then, while hopelessly waiting for a response, that I started reading sites like this one and relaized I was making a huge mistake. In fact, I had gone nearly two weeks without emailing her or calling her and I was starting to feel better. I was going out and meeting people and slowly getting over it. That was until last night when she showed up at one an event that one of my personal activity groups was holding. It is a group that I have been involved with for years and help run, so just leaving the group is not an option because it is one of my most imprtant and enjoyable outside-work activites and most of my friends are in this group. She had only been attending for about eight months (actually she initially came with her sister and is where I met her. I honestly thought she would never show up, espically after she left em and figured she would have enough sense not to create an awkward situation and she knew this group was something that is very important to me and didn’t even think about it until she walked through the door. She then started to talk to all of my friends as if nothing happened, but never even made an effort to talk to me.
I hate to drop out of this group just to avoid her because it is one of my favorite activities and most of my good friends are involved. I thought I was getting past her, but this one instance of seeing her again brought it all back and I feel like I am starting all over again. I don’t think she intentionally meant to make things awkward, but I can’t believe it did not cross her mind that it might do so, espcially since she knows how imprtant this group is to me.
This comment is more of a relief mechanism than anything because I want to tell her so much how much it hurt to see her again, but realize that is the worst possible thing I can do. That’s why I am venting here. I agree wholeheartedly with the NO CONTACT approach because it was helping me immensely (this last event withstanding). Chances are it will be another month before I see her again, so hopefully that will be enough time to get past things.
The shock of seeing her probably catapaulted you back there but if you are doing your work and concentrating on you and doing the NO CONTACT thing, you WILL get better quicker. You are not right back where you were. You are getting better. And it will get even better from here.
I’m glad I found this site. It is really helping me to put things in perspective. I recently broke up with a man who I had been dating since the beginning of the year. This was a long distance relationship.. i had met him while on vacation. We talked a thousand times a day and had the most wonderful time when we were together. We even discussed marriage and children which is so unlike me since I’ve been an independant woman all my life who has never even perused the magazine stands for wedding magazines or even thought I wanted children. This was a different relationship to me and I gave my all. My last boyfriend was 4 years ago so these feelings were new and dear to me. The relationship ended while I was away on business…he had mentioned that the time difference was a strain because we couldn’t talk as often as usual. We had a short argument about “myspace” as I had asked him if he had thought about deleting his page or pictures since we had been in a relationship. He got defensive and hung up the phone we hadn’t talked since. This was three weeks ago. We’ve texted and emailed but no phone calls. What the heck? I’m going crazy over here. On one hand I’m confused …we didn’t meet online so what’s the big deal. Is he that attached to a website. Was I not enough? He brought up marriage and kids not me? Was that all a joke. I’m so lost right now I don’t know what to do. HELP!!
Thank you for being here. I think that you are trying to make sense out of something that isn’t going to make sense. He said one thing and did another. Attaching too much meaning to another’s words is frustrating heartache. Look at what they do. Look at what is going on here. If you can’t ask someone if they’ve thought of deleting a MySpace page or you can’t overcome the time difference, there are many more hurdles in a relationship to be had. He doesn’t sound like he wants to work on it and probably wasn’t as serious as he made out to be. His words were probably convenient for him at the time. He probably brought up marriage and kids to feel you out. Detach from his words now and in future relationships. Only focus on what they do.
He obviously isn’t ready and it sounds like he is using excuses (time difference/myspace) to end it. You’re going to drive yourself batty trying to make sense of it. Work on moving on. Hard, I know, but this person sounds like he does not deserve you and isn’t ready for a committed relationship. Instead of chasing him, chase your own recovery and getting ready for someone who can and will commit.
Thank you for the website which has some really good advice. About a month ago I ended a one-year relationship with a girl who broke up with me, because she had said that she lost feelings for me due to the limited amount of time we could spend together. A few weeks after the breakup, we still talked online allot, and she still seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing. And when we went bowling a few weeks ago she seemed to enjoy my company. During this time, I hoped that she was going to come around, but when I asked her to do something with me again. She just said that we are not dating, and I have to get it out of my head about us getting back together. She told me that there is no one else, and she just wants to be single for awhile. I then told her, that I need to end contact with her for awhile, until I can accept the breakup. This break up has been hard for me, because this was my first relationship. She says down the road we can do things together as friends, and if romantic feelings happen they happen, but there has to be no expectations. This relationship was long distance, she lives and hour and a half away. So I unless we meet each other voluntarily there really is no personal contact anymore. I guess her previous relationships, have ended with her ex-boyfriends not talking to her at all, so being friends after a break up is a new experience for her. If in time, I can get over our break up, do you think it is wise to still try and get to together as friends with her? I did like her allot as a person, and we did enjoy spending time together.
Hi Jim,
Welcome to the site. I think that for now you should focus on getting over it and moving on. It’s too early to predict what can or cannot happen in the future. It’s really hard to say. Take care of you and be good to Jim. Let the future unfold as it’s supposed to. Peace.
Thank you. Your blog has made what my mind knew so much clearer. I recently ended a 5 year realtionship with my best friend and lover. I needed more than he was able to give and I made the choice to walk away. The problem I have is that we ended still in love, without any drama or anger. As good as it was, it wasn’t enough for me. My mind knew to cut ties completely, however my heart had its own agenda. He would text and I would jump to reply. I couldn’t walk away totally because some part of me hopes for the “what if”.
Your comments here have crystalized what my rational self has tried to tell my heart all along. If it was that good, I’d still be in it. I need to really cut ties, stop answering the texts, and stop looking for something more in that relationship.
Time to take a good long look at your “Ten Things” and get moving in the right direction. Thank you for the clarity of your thoughts and directness in your words.
I see a path now.
Glad you are here Kat. I know that pull because of the “what if?” It’s hard to extract yourself from it, but once you do there is a freedom like you have never known. I’m glad you see the path now. Peace.
Thank you soo very much for your article. It has confirmed and given me knew thoughts ideas on something that I have always practiced. You cannot remain friends with someone you’ve dated.
I was having second thoughts about whether or not I should remain friends with someone I just broke up with…well let me clarify..it was “mutually” agreed that it just wasn’t working. We weren’t spending anytime together..guess you could say the honeymoon stage was over. He wanted to party for days at a time and I was more concerned with how I was going to get my privacy fence built. He begged for us to remain friends..how he remained friends with everyone he’s dated..how it would be good for us to remain friends..go bowling, out to dinner every now and again. I thought for sure he would break down when I said absolutely NOT. Than I started having second thoughts about remaining friends with him. We were friends long before we became intimate BUT I know that I would have those feelings of wanting to be intimate..who he was dating…listen to him talk about who he’s dating.
I have turned off all of my phones so I’m not sure if he’s called..however I am viewing this as my time to readjust..to let whatever feelings I had for him disipate.
Thank you again for your article..I am adding it to my favorites!
Very cool webste Susan. Thanks!
Wow, i wish i read this website after my break up. it would have maybe prevented me from behaving completely unlike myself, bordering on desperate and insane. i guess its all textbook behavior after a horrible, heart breaking ending. i did everything mentioned: emailing constantly, calling, asking and begging. although i hate to think that he made it out “on top” because he refused to respond, i can understand why he didn’t. i wish i was nowhere near internet and phones during this time, that would have saved me from humiliating myself. i had no control, whatsoever… at the end of a relationship, you have many, many questions that will never be answered. and many things you’d like “asshole” to know, but it doesn’t matter anymore. i agree, you have to just save all of whatever energy you have left and rebuild your life and self esteem. also, try not to google your ex and the woman he cheated on you with, that is also a recipe for continued psychotic thoughts. i have been working hard on my distorted thoughts, trying not to compare myself to the other woman and trying to realise that i’m quite a decent human being. its amazing how a break up can really knock you over…
thanks for reading.
This is the first time I looked for help on line. I cried the whole time reading all this. I feel a little bit better. I know now, that I can’t be friends for 6 months or longer. If I call him on the phone and he doesn’t answer the phone, it just kills me. I’m tired of feeling helpless. I’m tired of feeling sad. I cry throughout the day. It just sucks. He was my best friend. I will take your advise…because I’m worth it!
Thanks very much for publishing your “After the Break-Up” assessment; my girlfriend and I recently broke-up after a year and a half long relationship (one year of which was long distance) and I had been telling myself that it didn’t bother me at all because it WAS the right move for both of us. But I do feel a bit anxious, depressed, isolated, etc., all in a non-clinical way, and the posting has reminded me how important and normal this process is. Grieving is an apt description. I am surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family, but the social construct that men shouldn’t show emotion/cry, etc. is deeply seeded. Your blog reminded me that it’s okay to take some time for me, stop thinking about her and what she’s doing and let out my emotions in a positive way over the loss I feel.
It has also been hard not to immediately start dating again (although it hasn’t even been a week yet) as this sometimes has been an antidote for me, but I also recognize that a bounce-back can hurt both people involved.
Thanks again for your caring blog! :)
Hello,
I had been in this relationship w/her for over 6 months. I have known her 2 years up to the time the relationship began. She is my no.1 customer in the business I’m in.
We discussed our issues several times before having our relationship that we would keep personal separate from business. Nearing the end of the relationship, I noticed she would return my calls hours after I leave message (used to be immediately)
didn’t want to talk when I did reach her, made me wonder. Then it became constant
that she would answer at all. I had no choice but to question her @ work, in which I didn’t want to, she would be distant and say she can’t talk now. I had to be careful, because she is my customer and she knew that. Its funny, she would do everything she could to contact me when nobody was around and tell me how much of a good time she had when we first started our relationship. she has 4 kids, 2 are adults, 2 teenagers @ home. we only saw each other every other weekend because of her kids.
I became aggrivatted and told her about the differences in her between now and then.
She said that I had gone too far and that was it, 6 months. I tried to get back with her in the 7th and 8th month, and we did see each other 2 times in that period. The second time she called me @ 4 A.M. (crying) and said she drove around all morning and that she wanted to come up and for me to hold her. She slept the whole time she was there. But each time afterwards, she sounded depressed to talk to me. after the second time, i just let go. Its been three weeks since I seen her, but I still talk to her on a daily basis (strictly business) I never ask her how she is doing or anything personal; last wed, she asked me a question about an item I delivered to her, a dumb question that she should have known, in her normal nice way, I answered professionally. I had to call her 30 min later and someone else had to answer the phone because she was upset personally about something. This is complicated, but we also agreed that we would not tell anyone where I work and where she works about us, so the person that answered didn’t know. Do you think because of the business part and that we were 2hrs apart and could only see each other a limited amount of time caused this? Wants someone local? Give me your imput .
Thanks for taking this!
JAT
Hi,
I split with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago - we had been together for almost 4 years and then on/off in the last year. The two times that he called it off (in the last year) he would get back in touch with me after a few weeks. This time I called it off after hearing him tell me that being with me was ‘forced’ and that he didn’t have the feeling for me anymore, yet up until the argument that led to the break up he would act as normal, tell me he loves me etc. His business failed last year and has been left with a burden on his shoulders - (he had originally set up thr business so he could earn money for our future, to get married etc) His family used to adore me, but have turned on me and to this day I have no idea why. When the business failed, his family who are only concerned with him earning money continuously told him to break up with me and would interfere in our relationship. This last year we have got back together in secret so that his family didn’t know about it. About a week after this break up, I tried to contact him, only to find that he has switched off his phone. Does he really mean what he says that he doesnt love me anymore? or is he doing it for another reason? I’m so confused, I have good days where I think I am moving on and dealing with the pain and I have days where i don’t want to see anyone and cry myself to sleep. He has doen this none contact thing before only he would end up contacting me again. Why is he doing all this?
Thanks
YXL
Wow. This was such an apt article! I just split up with my ex boyfriend three weeks ago. It was very messy. We had been dating for close to a year, and the relationship from the first moment of intimacy, (he waited a couple of months to even kiss me), was fraught with trouble. You wrote about signs, and signals that we ignore and why… learning from our relationship trouble is very important, indeed. I am not sure why I opted to stay in a relationship for as long as I did that I knew was doomed from the beg. But I will work through my own issues through this, and sort it out. At the time I felt this, I initiated our first break up. He had yelled and said things to me that I had told myself that I could never accept in a partner. But he came at me at a very vulnerable time and I gave him, us, another chance. I think, now that first event, five months ago, sealed our fate as a couple. We had some really great times after that, and as our relationship had whirlwind status, it was of course laced with passion and I suspect unhealthy amounts of dependency. I tried several times to confront our issues, and our fights and to somehow fix our problems by communication. But as you can surmise, that did not happen to well.
Our relationship was fraught with emotional intensity, passion and drama! It has been a really heady year so far for me. Good and bad. But I suppose what I realized, maybe too late, was my tenaciousness in holding onto something and trying to make it work, even if it meant hardship on my part. Even if it may not have been what I really wanted.
I suppose the last time at the end of August, he had already mentally tried to disconnect with me by calling on a girl from his past and not letting me know until it was too late. The mind set I was in the entire time we were “together” was that we were still in a relationship and trying to sort things out. He came back from out of town and we talked and we had sex. Normal things we do as a couple. I thought we were mending. Three days later, when I asked him what he wanted to do over the weekend he mentioned his “date” with a girl from his past.
I felt shocked and humiliated. I stormed to his place and demanded my things back and gave back everything he had ever given to me. It was foolish and even more humiliating. He cried a lot, I accused of him of a lot of things, like using me for sex and leading me on. Even though I know and feel what he did was cruel, wrong, and unkind, I know now that to have gone there and to have such a stink was foolish and vain on my part. Even if he does realize that he hurt me and was ignoble, his reflection is not going to take the pain and hurt that I feel inside, away. Ever. I have to work on me. And I am so glad your article is here! I feel like I have taken the right steps in cutting him off completely from my life. He never understood why I could not remain “friends” with him. Now, whatever he thinks, I feel validated and good for knowing intuitively what was healthy/unhealthy for me to move on.
I am so happy that you shared the difference between grieving someone and loving someone. It couldn’t come at a more apt time! I was starting to feel confused about my feelings and playing out scenarios in my head about what to say and do when he emails or calls. Which I know he will do, eventually. But after reading this, I know that I have to let those thoughts go as well, for it is does not seem healthy. I grieve the loss of my self that I shared with an open and trusting heart with someone. I grieve everyday, and it hurts really bad sometimes. But I know that eventually, with time and healing, these feelings will ebb, and I will be back on the road to my happy, trusting, and passionate self. I thank god for my good girlfriends, my good male friends, (who are sometimes trying to sleep with me ; P ) (what girl doesn’t like the attention from members of the opposite sex, even in ribbing, affectionate ways?), and my family who are there for me through thick and thin. Sometimes, I wish it wouldn’t take so long, sometimes I feel better and on the road to recovery, at others I feel like a big giant failure and total devastation ensues. At others I feel angry and enraged. These are all parts of the cycle, I suppose. Henry Rollins says it best, “Breaking up is a bitch.” Thank you for taking the time to write your wonderful heartfelt article and sharing with us your wisdom and success.
its so strange. I am a 30 yeaer old guy who got into my first real relationship ever, and it was also with a guy…a younger guy. we spent nearly 9 months together and i am definitely in love with him. At every turn he doted on me, and frankly i had to ask for space at a certain point. In the time we were together there was never a single argument. One night he doesnt call me back, comes over the next night, we stayed togehter and then out of the blue he ends it.
the next morning he was texting me telling me how much he loved me and that we’d work things out when he got back from his trip that week. When he got back he just ended it and i found myself for the first time in my life. It has been three months and i tried to reach out and be the bigger guy, asking him for a quick meet up to just say goodbye. He wouldnt do it, sayiing that it would still be awkward. I am so sad, so lonely and i havent found closure, i guess i never will. he apparently cheated on me, emotionally at least, and for some reasaon i cant find any anger in that. im so tired of talkinga bout it, writing about it, looking for websites, hoping he misses me…leaving signs. I send him a note in the mail saying that i realized we werent on the same page and that was ok and that i was not going to wait around anymore for him….he probably got the note today…i dont know how ill ever move on
My wife and I have had a rough go of it the last few months. Basically, I caught her having an emotional affair with an ex over email. I went ballistic. She said that I had not been there for her in over 2 years (we have a 2 year old). We started counseling and finally found a good one. She goes to one and I go to the other and then we meet together. Basically, things seem normal on the surface as our routine has not changed, but she never calls me, I am anxious and somewhat depressed over it, when I am home she is always scheduling things to do with her friends, like she is really trying to punish me. When I ask her about if she say she loves me and just wants me to chill out. In the mean time, I am going nuts. ANY EXPERTS PLEASE ADVISE>>>
I am trying to just leave her alone, but finding it nearly impossible.
thanks for this site, it made me feel better. I have never looked for things like this online before, but everything that is written makes so much sense. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple months ago because “he didn’t have time for a girlfriend” anymore and we both knew that things had not been going well for a while. I was crushed, especially since it happened on the phone while i was at work. I asked to see him in person about a week later to have a little closure, and we ended up sleeping together… big mistake. I then proposed we take a couple weeks of space to figure things out, and he said a few things like “we need to start over….” “we’ll always be part of each other’s lives…” so naturally i was hopeful. He called a few weeks later and did not sound like he was into having any kind of relationship again. Two more times we hung out, slept together, and sort of got back together. IT never really felt right, but i wasn’t sure if i was over analyzing everything, or being to skeptical or what. All of the relapses he said he wasn’t sure, he didn’t want it to turn out how it had gotten to be before, and seemed hesitant about it. he still said strange things like “we’ll always be close”, “i always want you in my life, we have to at least be friends” , “i don’t have time to think for two anymore, i can barely think for myself”, “you should come move in with me someday”, “i want to marry you i like five years, i just feel that if we don’t have space now we wont work out later”…………. etc. i agreed with some of this but was confused by all the mixed messages. , he apparently still wanted to be part of my life, sometimes wanted to be my boyfriend , but other times did not. Finally I told him I would not sleep with him without him having any responsibilities, because it just tore me up inside. He then said, “that is fine, i just want you in my life, friends is fine”…. so i appreciated his honesty at least, but then trying to be friends was still awkward for me. the communication was so inconsistent and I did not feel comfortable just calling as i would with other “friends”. That sort of thing should just be innate, you shouldn’t have to plan out calls etc. it felt like a game. and i didn’t want to play it anymore. I figured that if he really did want to make it work he would have been straightforward with me, the way he always had been in the past, in the past he was more of the pursuer and i was more hesitant of a relationship. but i gave it a chance, we had a great time for the most part, and i learned a lot and i learned how to love and trust somebody and open up to them. maybe this is why the ending was so painful. I finally cut the contact. It was one of the hardest things for me to do but i felt that it was necessary for me to move on. I felt bad because he mostly called me when he was upset, or had some problem, or whatever and so then i had to tell him i couldn’t talk anymore and i felt bad. for some reason i now feel like i did something horribly wrong, especially since he didn’t call on my birthday (which is stupid because i cut the contact therefore should not have expected anything)…. but i just wish i would know if i made the right choice by cutting the contact. I keep re thinking all the mixed messages, but after reading your site things have been made more clear. I just wish if he really wanted out to have just broken up with me that he would have left me to be and heal., instead it was this drawn out half ass back together game for almost 3 months where i would fall for his pleads on the phone to come see him, etc. i feel like my moving on phase is now beginning all over again.
Stay strong Jenny! It sounds like you are doing the absolutel right thing by staying NC! Good luck!
What if you have broken it off… he keeps calling to “talk” and ends up telling you how much you hurt him,,,,,,over, and over? It gets tiring and it keeps hurting you.
Sarah, why are you talking to him? Cut off all communication! does it hurt when you do that? Don’t do that.
Wow! Excellent advice. I was in a relationship with a gal for 3 and a half years. I moved her down to Florida and we lived together for a year. Her son came down as well.
It was the worst year of my life. I moved out from her three times during that period. Well, we kept dating but decided to not live together. We dated for another year and a half after that. It was terrible.
During the last three months we were together, I tried everything, short of having an affair, to end our relationship. She finally ended it last Feb.
I was devestated even though I really caused the breakup. I guess it’s like you say in the article, I was now the pursuer,.She knew it and toyed with me for more than three. months. Finally, I told her in June no more contact. I began working out, saw a Therapist, and got on anti-depressants. She called three times in June but I didn’t take her calls.
We saw each other in July and she couldn’t get over how great I looked. She began dating a guy shortly after our breakup and told me how much greater I was than him. She wanted to get back together.
I fell for it and she crushed me. I left her a few e-mails telling her how rotten she was and ended all contact two months ago.
I moved and sent her an e-mail saying goodbye. She was very terse in her one sentence reply. I think it’s because I changed all my phone numbers, and she now knows it.
Your article has been the best advice I’ve received. Thank you
I’m glad I found this site. Reading about others in similar situations has been comforting. I have felt so alone in what I have been going through. None of my friends or family can really relate.
I am struggling with not only missing my ex but with the guilt of refusing to remain his friend after he broke up with me. He and I met on the internet. It may sound crazy, but I fell for him before I ever actually met him fact to face. I never believed that something like that could happen, but I developed such feelings of closeness to him. I was hesitant to fall for him at first, but he dispelled all my fears about the distance, saying that it didn’t matter in this day and age. After several months of daily correspondence (it was long distance), phone calls, gift exchanges, picture exchanges, we met in person and spent two great weeks together. We had a lot of fun and he even met my family and closest friends. He asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him during this time. We made plans for future vacations, I met some of his friends and his mother, and he suggested I move to where he lived in the future. He even brought up children. I was in love. I thought he was as well. I thought it was such a romantic situation, that it was meant to be.
But to make a long story short he emailed me after New Year’s and told me he needed to tell me something. What he told me was that over the holidays, he met a girl in his hometown and really liked her and that he thinks she liked him. He said that he couldn’t help how he felt about her and that she “blew him away”. He said, “the distance was always conspiring against us anyway” and that he wanted to be friends with me. I was completely caught off guard by this and I was so hurt. I was planning to move to his city. I cared for him so much. I felt betrayed. He said that he knew he hurt me and he was sorry but at the same time he wasn’t because he met someone who “blew him away.” He said that she was from another city but was there every two weeks and was probably going to move there anyway. He wanted me to be friends with him. I told him that yes I was hurt but I couldn’t be friends. He kept emailing me over and over and wouldn’t leave me alone. I began to feel guilty for not being his friend (because he was the type that was friends with most of his other exes) and I tried to stay in touch but it was hard for me.
I found myself feeling confused and looking for clues in everything he said that he was sorry and wanted to get back together with me. He didn’t mention the girl he left me for and I didn’t ask. I didn’t want the details. I really didn’t even know if they had gotten together or not. I assumed that they had because he was talking to me “differently” almost like a sister. I couldn’t deal with it but I was afraid to completely cut him off because deep down I hoped he would change his mind. Pathetic I know. I told him that I was hesitant to keep in touch several times and he would leave me alone for a few weeks, then email me again as if everything was fine.
Anyway, after about 4 months of him contacting me, and me replying politely though I had told him I couldn’t be friends (I wanted to appear that I was ok enough to be friends, missed him, craved contact with him, and secretly wanting him back), he oh so casually mentioned to me in a “friendly” email that he had bought a house and that he no longer lived alone. He said that “she isn’t working right now but he hoped she found a job soon”. Well, that went all through me and I felt not only devastated but so angry at him for mentioning that so casually to me. I wrote back that I thought what he said was insensitive because of the way he broke up with me and that if the tables had been turned and I was the one who left him for another guy, I wouldn’t be flaunting it in his face. I told him that I thought it was callous and that I didn’t appreciate it. He wrote back, “I didn’t think that would bother you in the slightest.” I was like WTF????
Anyway, I wrote back that I was sorry but being friends wasn’t the best idea (once again) unless a breakup was mutual and that I wouldn’t be in touch anymore. I wished him well and blocked him from contacting me again.
My problem is not only the pain of losing him, feelings of betrayal and resentment, jealousy over him being with this other girl, but also of feeling GUILTY for refusing to be his friends and be cool with everything. I miss him still and feel like since I cut off contact, he wouldn’t even come back if he wanted to now and it’s my fault. I felt like I was worse than his other exes because they all somehow miraculously remained his friend and seemed not to care if he was with another girl. I felt less than them somehow. I feel bad that he and I don’t speak anymore and I feel like it’s my fault because I refused the friendship. I know it’s messed up, but I’ve been in such a depression since all of this and it’s not getting any better. It’s been a year since he initially broke up with me and I feel like I’m not getting over it. I’ve gotten over longer relationships easier than I am getting over this more brief one. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m going on with my life and not talking to him anymore, but I think about it all at least once a day. Cutting off contact didn’t even really help because I just feel guilty or like I ruined any chance of a reconciliation. I don’t even know why I would consider taking him back anyway. I feel like I’m losing it. Thanks for listening.
Lisa,
Attention. Forget every negative thought you have regarding your interaction in this relationship - and proceed directly to dumping ALL OF IT back on him. His actions are that of a coward and a sneak. I am sorry to be so blunt, but YOU DESERVE BETTER GAL. Look at his actions and tell me, who is the better person? Dont let yourself get run over, that is what happened. Go find a good person who will treat you right. Peace
OMG, Lisa. Yes, listen to Ralph. That guy is SNEAKY. You have very good instincts. Sneaky
people have a way of making sincere people question themselves. What he did was deceptive
and misleading. Thank goodness you are NOT like his exes. He may be stringing THEM along, too. Be thankful you are not the woman living in his house now. What he did to you, he will do to her. If he were honorable, he would not communicate with you–out of respect for you AND for the woman living with him. He may even be an internet predator. Don’t give him another day of your life. You are a very smart woman–trust yourself!
K
Thanks for your replies Ralph and Kathy. I really appreciate it your support. You are right, Ralph. I suppose I was the better person in all of this though it doesn’t feel that way when you are the one dumped literally out of nowhere (without even an argument or discussion of anything being wrong beforehand). At least I was always honest, had the best of intentions, and my feelings for him were sincere : ) Maybe going from romance to friendship was so easy for him because he never truly cared for me (despite what he said) as I truly cared for him. I wanted to believe that he was a good guy because he seemed so normal…attractive, educated, intelligent, shy but friendly, well traveled, well read, etc. He has a good job, nice family and friends. I had respect for him. He certainly didn’t strike me as in internet predator (that seems such a strong statement) so I hope my judgment about him wasn’t completely wrong. If so, he had me completely fooled. If he used me for any reason, it was probably for travel and sex, though I hate to believe that was his intention all along.
I just never had an ex who insisted on staying friends immediately after initiating a breakup with me before. This completely confused me. In the past, if I had a breakup, no matter who initiated it, we always went our separate ways. If someone who broke up with me made contact again, it was usually for a reconciliation. I am a nice person and I suppose I felt that I was being “mean” and “not cool” like his other exes for not remaining his friend. I guess I care too much what he thinks of me still. Silly huh? When I told him I couldn’t be friends, he would email me saying, “I miss you. Please reconsider! I don’t ever want to lose touch with you.” It made me think that he may really still have cared for me. Instead of blaming him for being a coward and a sneak for being disloyal (he insisted that he hadn’t cheated with the other girl by the way) I blamed myself for doing everything wrong and putting him off somehow. When a guy talks about how great the girl he leaves you for is to the point that he can’t help how he feels about her, it’s a big blow to your self esteem. It’s just been a hard situation and one I have not experienced before. Thanks again.
Lisa,
Just hang in there. You said it yourself, you can not be his friend right now. That is all you need to know. Become comfortable with yourself, and know yourself. You will be glad you did later. R
Thanks. I’m trying to hang in there. I just feel so angry at myself that I still miss him after his disloyalty. I feel jealous that he is with the other girl and not me. And I feel guilty and wish I could have kept in touch as friends because I miss talking to him. What is wrong with me? I must be nuts. Grrr! lol. Anyway thanks again Ralph.
I burned myself last week when I contacted the ex out of concern for her. I too felt guilty, that I had abandoned her. All of the pain came back in droves. I has doing so well before the contact. I hurt so much right now. I have to accept that I’m only human, that I am not capable, at this point, of loving her in a detached way. I am not that strong and I have to accept that.
Ralph, Ben and Lisa… the three of us, suffering from contact with the ex. Susan says we are not supposed to do this, I think because it just causes us more pain and setbacks in our progress towards healing from the breakup. I dont know about you two, but I make up a hundred excuses for why I should maintain a friendship with the ex. I like their company, we share things in common, we have ties financially and busines wise that force us to cooperate, we have dogs to share, etc, etc. And some of these are vaild reasons. I can ill afford to totally break contact from a financial perpective, and it will be a while before all the financial areas are divided. I am uncertain how to maintain an attitude of cooperation on one front to keep the peace involving financial/dog ties, while at the same time have no contact as a friend. Not that mine is any more difficult than anyone elses situation, it is just mine. Susan says make all your contact business atmosphere only, and otherwise stay clear of the ex. Since we decided to spend time apart (we were seeing each other daily after the break up , or at least on the phone) I have quickly come to realize what my part was in the breakup. I am now just realizing it, and it took time apart for that to set in. I am a pleaser, and I bend over backwards to please the ex, to the detriment of my own comfort. This is not good. I was so absorbed in her/her needs/ her desires, that I forgot who I was and paid no attention to my needs. I did not know how to tactfully say no, so I just went along with all her ideas, whether I thought they were good ones or not. Now I find myself in a position of loss, loss of my self, my identity, and my relationship because of my actions. I know I was not the only one to blame, but I did play a part. I think I just said yes all the time because I had too many stresses thru the past years, two ailing parents with multiple catastrophic events, death of a friend, death of family member my age, all the sort of things one has heaped on them. I dont think either one of us knew what was happening to the relationship, it just happened. And when we realized it, it seemed to late, well to the other party it did anyways… because she refused to get counseling. So, now I am trying to figure out how to get Humpty-Dumpty back together again. Peace. R
Lisa,
I think you and Ben and I share something, we tend to dump every bad event in our own laps. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY HERE. Try this, for one week dont think about ANYTHING but exactly what YOU want, WHEN you want it, and HOW you like it. Be 100% self absorped for a week. Think you can do it? I think we should try it. R
You’re right Ralph. Though I shouldn’t and wish I didn’t, I still miss him. I feel badly that he and I don’t talk anymore because I care about him. It’s a hard situation. When it becomes particularly upsetting and I have feelings of guilt, I have to remind myself exactly why we don’t speak and I remember that it’s because he decided to date another girl instead of me when he and I were still together and thing were going well (or so I thought because he sure never indicated otherwise).
I was happy and in love and wanted to continue seeing him. If he was unhappy about anything, he sure never let me know. He only broke up with me after meeting the other girl. He gave me “I met someone else” as his primary reason for suddenly breaking up with me…with “I guess if I had been completely happy I wouldn’t have noticed anyone else” and “the distance was always conspiring against us anyway” as backup reasons for what he had done (after the fact). It just all felt like a kick in the gut. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over what happened because I didn’t do anything. I didn’t choose to go after another guy or choose to end things with him but still I did beat myself up for being “not good enough” and “not as good as the new girl” for a very long time. I am still working on fixing my self-esteem because the way things ended with him. I am starting to do better but I have a ways to go. Thanks.
Lisa Anne
Hi there, I’m glad I stumbled upon this site. It’s good to see there are others who are or were as confused as I am.
To cut a very long story short, my boyfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago after us being best friends for 3 years and in a relationship for 9months after that. Many issues: his family is very religious and his parents don’t approve of me, he still likes his ex, we get on each other’s nerves so much sometimes and the kind of relationship he wants (allbeit a serious one) is one where we wouldn’t be spending all our time together (his parents live apart through work) which is NOT what I want. Despite all this, we get on SO well together.I’ve never clicked with anyone else the way I click with him, and I’m sure he feels the same. I thought he was the one and I was positive we;d end up together. But he was away all summer and things were fine up till the end, when his mother stopped talking to him because he was coming back down to me. That’s when we broke up.
But of course, he said we’d stay friends and we did -talked on the phone every day etc. And then when he came back down a week later, we slept together. I was so happy, but turns out it was totally lust driven, and we broke up again. Part of me will never forgive him for that, and he suggested we spend some time apart because he said he still wanted to be with me but he knows it owuld never work out. I was so angry with him and so pissed off that I was going to be losing a friend that I told him it was a bad idea and I’d be fine being his friend - pretending I’d already got over him! So we did and naturally we began a “friends with benefits” relationship. That’s been going on for 3 months. We hang out every day and used to feel guilty about it, but we spoke and at first we thought we were btoh getting what we wanted - sex and friendship.
But now I’m looking for more. I need to have some kind of closeness like that of being in a reltaionship. When we hang out now and don’t sleep together I leave feeling empty and alone. I have huge problems with being alone these days - I stay out until the early hours of the morning driving about after class every night because the thought of going home to an empty bed depresses me terribly. I’m terrified he’s going off of me because I want to be the one to end it if this is to end. My parents are so angry I’m still hanging out with him, they say I’m far too good for him and truthfully I know I am. He has commitment issues, that’s his excuse for why he doesn’t want to be with me as a boyfriend and I feel I’m cheapening myself by submitting to him whenever he wants to hang out, knowing that we “might” sleep together. It’s beginning to get me down. I want to move on but I’m too scared because I want to be with someone, even if it is jsut a good friend who I get affection from sometimes.
Thanks for listening.
Karen, you get what you put up with and you’re settling for a lot less than you deserve.
The fear of being alone drives people to do desperate things and desperate people are taken advantage of by people who sense their desperation.
My suggestion would be to LEARN to be alone and then you will not accept crumbs from the table of life which is what your ex is offering you.
If you do not ask for more from life and relationships, you will never get it and you will NEVER get it if you are afraid of being alone.
All good things come from learning to be alone and to be ENOUGH on your own. The paradox is that once you learn to be alone, others who are strong and healthy come into your life and then you are not alone.
HUNGRY PEOPLE MAKE POOR SHOPPERS. Stop the hunger. Find some interests and hobbies and learn to be okay when you are by yourself. A whole wonderful world awaits you.
Try it. You can do this.
Thank you Susan, thank you. People tell you things like this and a lot of the time in the past I have just let it skim the surface, but it’s really starting to hit home now. Thing is, I have SO many friends whom I care for as much and whom I know love me more than he does, yet everything I do revolves around him. but that is going to stop and I’m beginning to enjoy being myself again. My sporting activities really help with this.
You know you’re right - he is offering me the crumbs from the table of life and I know I deserve the full meal. Problem is, right now he seems to be holding me at arms’ length from it and I need to be strong enough to push past.
Thanks again.
Hi there,
I have just split up with my boyriend of 5 months.
We really loved each other andstill do but he had told me he didn’t think he would be able to move to where I live (I live in England he lives in Ireland) and as we argued a bit he didnt trust our relationship enough to leave his job friend etc.
I couldnt move there as i have got a lot more commitments.
So, since we split he has been texting a lot and says he misses me and still loves me.
I have asked him for no contact for a while so we both can have head space and think about things.
The thing is I am itching to send him a message and all I really want is us to get back together but I don’t want to be hurt in the future.
Help! lol
x
Man this is good advice. If it is over, it’s over. Let it go and get over it.
The quicker you can move on with confidence the faster things will go your way. It is cliche but very true - there are more fish in the sea.
Don’t take too long getting over someone if it just isn’t meant to be.
Paul
________________________
Get Your Girlfriend Back
Hi Paul, it’s very easy to say let it go, but the process of doing it is so much harder, and I am sure you will agree.
My ex broke up with me last July and I still wasnt letting it go until I decided to contact him again by email on October which served as my wake-up call because by then I have somehow unattached myself from the situation, saw him for what he really was and then the letting go process became easier.
Sometimes even if our family and friends tell us ‘he is no good, there are better people out there’ even until we are blue in the face, not until something happens, like a moment of clarity, or an epiphany of sorts, that we can really say, enough is enough! I dont want this anymore! And then it happens, finally, you find yourself letting go. It may take longer for some people but they will get there.
I wanted to move on quickly but all it did was send me back to square one. I realised that even if I didnt want to that I needed to wail, bellow, cry, question, mourn for a good couple of months until my entire system and my heart just got tired of it all. I am not completely healed, but I am moving on and have truly let go.
I have said this repeatedly but this blog has been instrumental in my healing and I am sure a lot of you who have found Susan’s blog feel the same. Take care of you more than anything else!
i just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. we lived together for the last year, but he got too comfortable. he moved in with me, paying basically no rent and never seemed to have the ambition for us to move out. i was ready to get married to move out. he was not. it become me pushing and pushing and pushing. he retreated, lost jobs, never had any money, and never seemed to care about anything. it wasnt until the last push over the phone i told him how sad i was, he never came home. i called 3 hours later to find out he was staying with a friend and that he wanted to end the relationship “it would be the best for both of us” he said. he also said “he’d rather not do it face to face, these things don’t end nicely or they don’t end.” i freaked out, but then took a deep breath, changed my status to single on all my websites, and stayed with a friend. he continued to write me how sorry he was what a mistake he was making how he wanted to try harder and i kept replying NO. my friend and i moved all of his things out, and i am now alone. i know the relationship was not healthy, but i lost my best friend. i can’t sleep. i find myself unable to focus. i got onto his myspace and facebook to read about his days. i want to call him and email him. i realized he was missing a few things and so i emailed him about that, but i feel its an excuse to keep connected. i miss him, but i know we cant be together. i want to sit down and talk to him one day. hopefully ill be able to sleep. it’s really not easy. (this has been since wednesday, today is only monday)
thank you!
Mimi: hang in there. It sounds like he is a little boy who doesn’t really want to grow up. I think your actions were good but we all backslide a bit when the weight of the grief hits us. Take care of Mimi.
Mimi, this sounds so tough but you sound strong! (”I took a deep breath…”) I lost my best friend too…and got out of an unhealthy relationship at the same time, like you did. These past two days have been hard…I realized tonight, that for the last three years, he and I saw each other at least twice a week…I’m trying to keep in mind that I need to surround myself with positive people who truly value me. I did the myspace thing too for a while- I cancelled my account so I wouldn’t be tempted!
I was invited to a party and warned that The Ex might be there. We broke up on very bad terms upon my discovery of his lying and cheating about a month and a half ago.
I’m pretty sure seeing him will cause me more pain than is fair to put on myself, but I’m upset at the thought of giving up on seeing people I like when he is the one who did wrong.
Someone told me I should be the bigger person, but it seems more like sheer masochism, giving him any kind of access to try and manipulate me again at all.
Thoughts?
Rebecca
I never know what the hell “be the bigger person” means or why anyone would use that as some kind of barometer for behavior. It’s NOT what you should be shooting for…where the HELL does that get you? Oh, I’m the bigger person. Good, now you get to comfort yourself with that idiotic sentiment. Arrghh.
You should take care of YOU. Sometimes it’s not fair and not okay that you have to give up other people too but the number one concern should be YOU TAKING CARE OF YOU. There will be other parties. For now, be good to you.
Hahaha, thank you. That helps and pretty much matches what my gut was trying to tell me - Great, I’m the bigger person, so what? How does that help me when I go home and cry myself to sleep, having ripped open half-healed emotional wounds?
Thanks,
Rebecca
I was dumped on New Years Day by my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. She was acting strange since Thanksgiving, went away just before Christmas was gone 10 days, never heard from her until 1/1. Said it was over, said she loved me ( she rarely would say it ) I was a great guy, we have so much in common, please call her and still be friends.
We are both in our early 50’s. We started dating seriously when she was recovering from chemo, radiation, and (partial) reconstructive surgery after having a radical mastectomy from breast cancer. I fell head over heals, did not mind her scars, told her she was beautiful, she would reply ” glad you think so..”
Needless to say I am crushed. I am glad to read this advice, because I’ve wanted to contact her, but now know that it won’t do either of us any good.
I still hope that we will be together some day, I’ve made her the center of my life, and the rejection is very painful. I’m glad that I was able to spend her healing time together, and maybe gave her the confidence to go out and find someone who can give her what she needs.
Some days I’m OK, some I’m a mess. She really just wasn’t that into me.
Thanks for listening.
It doesnt seem like it is about someone else in this case. She might have issues with her health problem, so it might just be about herself and the fact that she has gone through mastectomy. It is one of the biggest female issues and I can imagine a person is never exactly the same after that. And it doesnt seem like it was you fault that she wasn’t into you either. It seems like she was going through some tough times and you ware the only man who is a man enough. It is a rare quality you’ve got, Rob. When your healing process is over you will find an amazing woman who wil be less troubled and luckier to appreciate you.
Welcome Rob. Glad you’re here. She sounds like she had a lot of complicated issues and maybe she just needs time alone.
Like Waterlilly says you sound like a special person. I’m glad you’re here with us and that you are working through. Keep sharing.
Peace,
Susan
mimi: i cannot believe what happened to you! this man you spent 4 years with, he is such a coward, he can’t even have a simple conversation face to face. he is a coward and he runs away from problems. he seems to be looking for someone to replace his mommy- cooking, cleanig, taking care of him, giving him space and protecting him, comforting and pleasing him in every way. as soon as he realized that actually you want to be his wife and partner, and not his mother or patron, he is out. what a loser!
This is a follow-up to my post on 1/10.
My girlfriend was basicly raising her son alone for 7 years. Her husband would visit once or twice a month. He was verbally and physically abusive and constantly belittled her in front of her son. She was very protective of the boy, and I think did not have good boundries. She even had him change dressings after her mastectomy, the boy was only 15 or so. There were female neighbors that would have done it for her.
Her husband took her son, divorced her, and in the past year has sort of reconnected with her son now that he’s in college. She told me that her son was angry that she was dating me, (she just told him recently) and quicly added that “he doesn’t run my life”.
So, I think she dumped me in order to get her son’s affection back. I couldn’t ever compete with her son. The saddest part is that I don’t think he will approve of her dating anyone, and she doesn’t realize it. She is sacrificing her happiness with a man she really loves and who loves her because she wants her son back.
I think that once her son realizes he has that kind of control, she will never be able to be happy. Her son learned well from his father how to push her buttons, and probably will repeat his fathers treatment of her and other women in his life.
I’m glad that I’m out of the whole mess now, and can leave with still loving her and knowing that I did my best for her while it lasted and it would never work.
May the son have mentioned something about the ex-husband planning to get back with the mother? If the son is on his father’s side, both men (or the father through the son- or the son hoping that his parents will get back together) could be influencing your ex-girlfriend.
Either way, Rob, this is not an excuse for her to have let go of you. IT DOESN”T MATTER who is influencing whom. She is an adult and is responsible for her own actions.
Rob, she sounds very enmeshed with her son and that it goes back a long way. Not only aren’t you ever going to win this, but it sounds like these people have a lot of issues. Be good to you and move on as best you can.
I did all of those things and my ex-gf just went off and started going home from the bars with different guys like I didn’t even exist. Thanks for this post. I am working hard to let go of her because someone like that is just not worth my time.
Hello susan, thanks for your wonderful website. I feel like being blessed after reading all of your advices and other people’s experiences and concerns. Why?..I just had my break-up this 27th and it was a 3 year long affair. Me and my boyfriend were college mates and then we fell into love with each other after 3 years of college. It was me who approached him for a relationship. Why I am mentioning this here is, because he often used to say, that he could have never ever proposed a girl, even if he was in love for any period of time with that very person. I must admit, I somehow, sensed this and took the initiative. I was like, it doesn’t matter who approaches whom when two people are in love. Our relationship was going very well for 3 continuous years. In the mean time, we had normal fights and conflicts as are bound to happen in any relationship. It was all going well, until two days back, when he told me that he can not continue with me any longer. It was a shock for me. I could have never ever imagined that even in my weirdest of dreams that he will be dumping me someday. I have never took him for granted. But this belief of me that nothing bad can happen happen between us, got broken when he said those words that he hates me like anything. I have done every possible thing to make him happy. From helping him in his studies to helping him financially ( he was from a rich family than ours, but he was always having NO money). We used to be very good friends before our relationship started and we both were very happy to have our friendship converted into a relationship. He has even talked to his family about me and taking this relationship further till marriage and same was there on my side too. We were from different casts, but as I said he belongs to a very reputable family, he and his family were open to such things and moreover same was there on my side too. So, there was nothing that can be called “imperfect” between us, until this doom’s day (atleast for me) when he said those harsh words to me. I asked for the reason and he said he just feels bored and want to try different things. I said, why he needs to break up with me then, he can even do this while keeping this relationship with me. But he explained that I have not been behaving the way he expected me to behave. He has already talked about this to his elder sister, whom he trusts the most in his family. I argued with him that he could have solved the things with me instead of telling them to his sister firsthand. He got angry and started abusing me like hell. It was a period of great shock for me and I feel still in the denial phase. Whats wrong with him? What has happened all of a sudden. He is unpredictable at many time for sure..but I have never thought that he will be doing this to me. I have cried a lot and yelled in front of him to get back to the relationship..but he is insisting on the thing that he hates me! I can not bear this listening from the person whom I have literally worshiped..Its hard phase of my life. I have my exam on this 15th and he says that I he has done right by telling me his plan for future that he will not be marrying me and now if I want I can drop my exams and take some other course. Its making me more mad when he says that all he did was for my future to be good.What the heck? I feel totally confused. I have been trying to talk to him past three days and he is always ignoring me like I am trash. I said please don’t be so cruel and he asked me to remain friends with me ( I hate when guys offer this..cowards) I got furious over this and said that if he hates me, then how can he be a friend of mine! He said he will be giving me preferrences over all of his friends and blah..blah..but my gut feeling is not to get involved with his selfish motives..because he can not stay alone. He always needs company. Before me, he had a time pass girl as friend (just a friend from his side..but the girl actually liked him..she disappeared when he accepted my proposal). Please help me with this. He calls me weak and unstable..when I am not at all..its actually I tend to react earlier at things and thats all..so. he calls me unstable. I have now