I received a lot of email on the “After the Breakup” post so I will answer some of the questions and concerns here about remaining friends, breakup sex, losing mutual friends, sharing children, and chemistry shifts after the breakup:
1. Trying To Be Friends With The Ex
A big, looming question after the breakup seems to be: “Can we still be friends?”
Unfortunately the answer is probably no.
There are several reasons for this, but first and foremost is that even after the most amicable breakup, the people involved need some time so they can work through their feelings and sift through the ruins of the relationship. Even if it was not an emotional high-wire act, as many breakups are, there needs to be time apart to break the bond of “the couple.”
Each person needs to separate and go back to being an individual without being a part of the couple. In other words, to lose the “couple” identity. Each person needs to do their work and become an individual once again. Each needs to deal with the breakup in their own way and DEFINITELY separate and apart and away from the scrutiny of the person they just broke up with.
Most people cannot remain friends after a breakup but if it ever is to be, it will be later…much later. The atmosphere immediately following a breakup is too emotionally charged for it to happen right away, if at all.
Sometimes both people are “okay” with the breakup and try to be friends too early. I know one couple who had dinner every now and again after they broke up. They told everyone they were “friends” and liked to check in now and again. One night, about 2 months after the breakup, the dinner turned into a teary shouting match. Neither was prepared for it but both were moving onto other people and the revelation at dinner brought up all kinds of emotions that neither knew were there. If you’re going to be friends, EVER, the first six months is probably not the time no matter how amicable it seems on the surface.
The person who pushes to “be friends” is usually the one who has unfinished business but doesn’t want to own that or doesn’t want the responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the ex. That is a selfish motive and not fair to the other person. Do your work and let the other person do their work and heal. It is not fair to string someone along as a “friend” because you can’t deal with the pain of having them out of your life completely. As with any post-breakup dealings with the ex:Examine your motives.
A coworker recently said to me, “I want to be friends after the breakup and she doesn’t. She’s a terrific person and I don’t want her out of my life.”
If you’re the one who is asking to be friends, AGAIN: examine your motives. Are you trying to stave off the grief? Are you playing a game? Are you unwilling to really break all ties but don’t want the relationship either? Benefits without responsibility? That’s dysfunctional and wrong (as are any “friends with benefits” scenarios that sometimes follow a “breaking up as a couple.”)
Sometimes people can’t do “endings“. If you can’t do endings (if you’re still friends with absolutely everyone you’ve gone out with), you might need to think about that. Others just don’t end things and don’t know how. If your ex is one of those, don’t let him or her lead the way. Take charge of ending it and not remaining friends.
If you are the one who isn’t able to end things, don’t inject your inability to come to terms with the end of the relationship on the other person. It’s simply not fair. Yes, she’s hurt. And you’re making things worse. If she was so terrific, you’d still be with her. You cannot have it both ways. Leave it alone.
If you are the person who did not break up and is doing the contact, this is not a good plan. You need to move on. The other person needs to move on. If you are emailing or calling or texting and they are not answering, stop doing it. Sit on your hands if you need to. It’s humiliating. Leave it alone and get on with your life. It’s hard but it has to be done.
If you are managing to engage him/her, how does it feel afterwards? Do you feel good or did you just postpone the inevitable once again? Or did they let you know ITS REALLY OVER and you’re not hearing it or still looking for clues in what they are saying or doing that it is really not. Stop torturing yourself.
BURY IT.
If you’re the person who is being asked, say no. Short and sweet. Pure and simple. NO.
Don’t try to explain or rationalize…just say no or maybe no, not now. The problem with saying “not now” is that it will usually be followed by “When?” and you just don’t know. No is a one-word sentence. Say it and then go. No further explanation necessary.
2. Friends With Benefits and Sex With The Ex
Do not buy into “friends with benefits” scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding responsibilities, if not they are freebies and you’re using each other. Stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as friends with benefits. There is only “friends who have no idea what they’re doing to the detriment of themselves and each other.” That is the long title of “friends with benefits”. Don’t do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity and don’t give away anything unless the person you’re giving it to assumes some responsibility toward you.
While breakup sex with the ex seems like fun and a way to reconnect with someone who knows you, it also comes with confusion and more complications. Try to avoid it. Even if you have a terrific time, you will end up feeling confused and maybe even used, at the very least you have postponed the inevitable–you’ve got to say goodbye.
If it’s dead, bury it. DON’T sleep with it!!!.
3. Children
If you share children, the relationship needs to involve something resembling a business relationship. The children are the most important thing. Not you and your ex. Not your ex’s new girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse. Not your new girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse. THE CHILDREN are the most important thing. No one cares how you feel and no one should except your family and closest friends and they should not care about your feelings before the children’s feelings. Don’t manipulate each other with the children or use them as pawns. The children need TWO parents that put them above all else, including your new life, your new love, your ex’s new life and new love, the new love’s children, or the resentment you have toward each other.
The children need you to act civilly and like adults and show them unconditional love.
The more you treat your relationship with your ex like a business deal where the welfare and feelings of the children are front and center, you will have a better relationship with your ex. This DOES NOT mean you have no feelings or that interactions do not upend you, but outwardly you try to deal with it as a business relationship, keeping it very concrete and focused on the children. Reign in your feelings and “act as if” they are not there. DO NOT let your feelings about you and your ex and the breakup interfere with the dealings you need to get done about the children.
To read the On Children and Breakups post click here
4. Mutual Friends and/or Friends of “The Couple”
It is always hard when you share friends. They will shake out eventually. Some of them will pick you, some will pick your ex. Some will go back and forth before settling on one and some will disappear entirely. Some resurface later on, some do not. Let the friends worry about the friends. Yes, you liked them, yes it is more loss at a time when you can use support, but it is what happens. On the GPYP Grief and Loss audio lesson, we talk about “secondary” losses that are inherent in any loss…loss of friends is a secondary loss. Recognize it, feel about it, journal about it, talk about it, but don’t put an overwhelming amount of energy or focus on it. There are probably much bigger fish to fry. But because of the inevitable loss of some “couple” friends at the end of a relationship, it is always important to have your own best friend and your own group of friends.
That is why, when the relationship is at its BEST and you just want to cocoon with your love to the exclusion of all else, you should fight the urge to do that. After the first few weeks, if you’ve been ignoring your friends you really need to make time for them…and not gratuity time (when your new love is not around) but real quality time that is scheduled even when your new love is available.
Other Topics: I Was The Pursuer and Now He’s Chasing Me!
On another post-breakup topic, I received one email about how the pursuer is now the pursued. GJ writes, “I spent our entire relationship trying to get closer to him and just grew tired of it. Once I called it quits, he is suddenly running after me. I don’t get it. Now I’m confused.”
Usually there are “roles” of pursuer and pursued. One partner is usually the “more interested”. Sometimes these roles change after the relationship. The person who was cold and distant suddenly is in a panic that the pursuer has given up. Sometimes the pursuer gives up and then is suddenly faced with the reactions of the pursued that he or she always wanted, they suddenly feel confused about the breakup.
Every couple does a push me-pull me on some scale. The healthier the couple, the less dramatic it is. The unhealthier the couple, the more dramatic it is. The roles can switch completely or the role of pursuer and pursued can become so much worse and crazier after the breakup. That is another reason why no friendship and no contact is best.
GJ, call it quits like you wanted to…he only wants you because you don’t want him. To keep him interested, you have to not want him. While everyone (especially men) respond well to a small amount of intrigue and / or unavailability, going to this extreme is too much for a relationship to thrive. Other Topics: Communications After The Breakup: Why I Oughta….
I get mail about what to say after a breakup…or a week has passed and I thought of this ONE THING I really want to say and that SOB should know or I want to let him/her (or his/her new love) know how wretched s/he really is. Or I need to ask him/her if s/he wants this [fill in some innocuous thing here] she left at my house…and on and on….
I know a woman who once went back for a plastic bowl and interrupted the ex and his new girlfriend in the middle of a Sunday afternoon and carried on and caused a scene to which the neighbors called the police she was making such a fuss. The fuss, she said, was because he could not locate the plastic bowl. Do you really think that is what it is all about? Me neither. Before you wind up being taken away in handcuffs, think about if you really need that item or really need to return that item? If you need to return, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it…is it worth more than your sanity? Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If they decide that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down. A friend of mine told me to cut my ex off when he was listing my faults and say, “What you think of me is none of my business” and hang up or walk away. The only way to win is not to play the game. Another time I told him to blame it all on me, I didn’t care anymore. Another time I told him to tell his grievances to the judge. Do not get into justifying your present or past behavior. Do not use these exchanges as a chance to re-engage or justify your many positions. Forget it. It’s just more useless communication. Save your energy for building your new life.
Avoid doing the same to him/her. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you want this person to think about, but try to refrain from getting into that. It’s not healthy for YOU. The other person is NEVER going to see it your way. If you want to make them feel bad, you will achieve that for a second. Then it’s gone. Most people will chalk up a “broken hearted ex” to “oh well” territory. It’s not going to plague them forever (if at all) that they broke your heart. Most people want out more than they want to not feel guilty.
If you’re trying to elicit emotion in them, forget it. It’s a losing game. Only you will have spent all that energy and they’ll still be off…doing whatever it is they want to do. Save your strength for getting over it.
Likewise don’t hold your breathe waiting for an apology or for your ex to tell you that you really were a good person and he or she was wrong about x,y, and z. Who cares? Let it all go. Let them think whatever about you…right or wrong, good or bad…
Who cares if they realize tomorrow or seven years from now what a good person you were and what a jerk they were to let you go…it doesn’t matter. REPEAT AFTER ME: IT DOESN’T MATTER. What matters is you getting on with your life no matter what the ex thinks or doesn’t think. We don’t care what they think, Do we? No, we don’t. :)
Stay out of his or her head. Stop trying to make it all make sense. It’s not going to. It’s just going to drive you crazy.
Save your strength for getting over it. Because you will get over it.
Believe me…
You WILL get over it.
If you still have questions, feel free to write to susan@gettingpastyourpast.com and let me know if it’s okay to answer your mail on the blog. (without your name or any identifying info of course!)
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Susan J. Elliott 12/9/06
[...] Several readers have asked me to identify where the Friends After A Breakup Post is: It is here More After The Breakup [...]
I just want to scream!!! It’s all the things I did and yes, he still went off and did whatever it was he was doing. I feel so relieved that you have put all my feelings into words. If you’ve written this then there are others who have done/are doing the same thing. I am not alone. This motivates me to do better and very different. Thank You! Feels like someone just turned the light on.
Welcome Solaris! Thank you for your post. Peace to you in 2007. -Susan
My ex sent me an email wanting me to remain friends with him and I told him I did not feel that is would be appropriate to remain so since he will be moving in with another woman in another state. He was the one who broke it off with me because he was no longer attracted to me and that he always had an interest in this Other Woman even before he met me and he was going to move in with her before we met, but decided to give us a try first. He also said that they always loved one another and just did not realized until now and that he was waiting for it to work out between them. They had been corresponding by internet and telephone for the past three years and did not meet each other until a week before this past Thanksgiving and he spend two weeks with her! Then he decided to move in with her the second week he was with her. I am sure the honeymoon was incredible between the two of them. So he is pulling up his roots here and moving 900 miles away to live with her and her two teenage kids at the end of Jan. this month. He has a mentally screwed up kid who is 18 and does not go to school dropped out at 16, does not drive, or ever worked. Her two kids are 14 and 19 and live with her. Now can you imagine what kind of choas that will be after he has settled in with her!!! lol
And he told me that he still talks to his ex-girlfriends and some are the best of friends to him and that she has her men friends, all is good as long as they are not intimate partners! Bull S**t! I see where this is going….downhill fast! So NO way am I remaining HIS friend. She was waiting in the wings for him the whole time he was with me and I refuse to be someone he can come back to when this live in arrangement does not work out for him and her.
I say good ridence to him and HE is HER problem now and I, also, heard from his mom there is another one out in the Southwest somewhere who may be waiting, too!
Carol: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You are so right to not want to try to be his friend! He sounds like a dysfunctional mess! Yes, good riddance to bad rubbish. She won the brass ring…LOL! You are doing well!!! Happy 2007!
I love the articles on here. I’m going to be truthful, I was with my ex for 4 years, we lived together. Most of the reasons we broke up were admitedly my fault. I tried to apologize to my ex for as many of my faults as I could remember, but she wouldn’t accept the apology. I would like to be friends with her again, someday down the road, but when she is so closed off with her stone-walling rather than communicating I don’t see how it is feasible at this stage. I’m not really sure what I want, other than I want her to know the truth rather than the lies she might be believing. I want her to know that I care about her. And I would like to be forgiven at least to a certain degree. I never knew that apologizing for your mistakes would be a mistake in itself.
[...] Read More After the Breakup Post [...]
I am an emotional mess. Yesterday a 2-year relationshiip ended with a married man. I have asked myself for forgiveness for allowing the relationship to start, I have tried to understand myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. I feel horrible after the breakup and even worse for committing an absolute sin. I love him to no end, I gave him my heart and my soul- 200%. The last time he ended it he said he loved her and was not going to leave her …that was back in Oct 2006…less than 2 weeks later we were at it again and seeing each other alll while he was still married. What is wrong with me…I have lost all morals and self respect. I am an idiot who can’t move on. He continues to call and email me saying he loves me and that we;ll get through this, that we;ll find a way to be together for good. I don’t beleive him, but I easily fall for it. I can’t eat, concetrate, I feel weak and can’t sleep. I wish this pain would just turn to anger right now…it would be easier to deal with it.
the hotter the love, the colder the breakup
[...] More on “After the Breakup” [...]
Thank you so much for this post and the other “After the Break up”.
I just had a year-long relationship end with a girl (she ended it) who I thought I had fallen in love with. I almost made the same mistake I did when I was in college where I would constantly email and call the girl I broke up with thinking there was some hope we would get back together. I was tempted to do it again this time, but this post, and my past experience, has helped me get through it so I don’t make the same mistake again. She even tried to claim we will be friends and to call her anytime, but her number is already off of my phone and her email address is no longer in my contacts. I haven’t talked to her in two weeks and slowly am getting back to normal.
Sure it’s painful to get through and one always wants to try and “make things right”, but cutting off contact is usually the best thing to do because otherwise, you will always think things will work out when there is probably little chance. If things were destined to work out, you’d already be back together.
Posts like this and others on this site help people like me, even with previous experience in breakups, get through the tough times and know that there are other people out there facing the same pain and heartbreak.
Thanks again!
The advice about not trying to remain friends after the break-up is VERY GOOD ADVICE! I tried for 10 years to remain friends with an ex b/c he had always pushed it and I never stopped to think until I read this blog that it was his unfinished business that always kept him pushing for a friendship. He even would use the words “unfinished business” when he would recount his feelings for me at various times over these past 10 years, and every time it only tortured me. He was the one who had broken up with me and yet he supposedly kept having these lingering feelings for me. He even supposedly broke off an engagement b/c of me, yet he never acted on those “feelings” and never made wanted to make a commitment to me.
When I finally met my husband and he found out I was getting married he suddenly became less interested in staying friends. I guess that should have clued me in, but I tend to be a pretty trusting person and didn’t get it until this last year and he completely dumped on me. He all but accused me of luring him into an affair (which we DIDN’T DO by the way) but he was apparently still feeling various “unresolved feelings” for me even though he too is now married to someone else. His wife must have had a clue b/c she didn’t want him to talk to me anymore and his contact with me ended abruptly and rudely. I was blamed for all his relationship woes in the end and when I sought closure from the past 10 years of up and down emotions I have been completely ignored. It’s true that you have to find your own closure from relationships and trying to stay “friends” usually only leads to heartache and emotional headaches especially once you’re in a new relationship.
Take the advice from this blog and DON’T REMAIN FRIENDS!! I know what it’s like to be guilted into staying friends-DON’T FALL FOR IT! It’s their hang up and selfish on their part to want you in their life, but not the way YOU want to be in their life.
Do your own thing after the break up and put that person behind you. Anything other than that only prolongs healing and prevents forming future healthy relationships. If the relationship ended remember that it ended for a reason. If you were meant to be together you would be and since you’re not LET IT GO. I say this as a person who has had to learn this the hard way.
Let the relationship go-in all formats!! You’ll be a much healthier and happier person for it!
I broke up with a girl three weeks ago that I had been dating for about six months. I thought things were great and went away on a two week trip thinking things could not be better. I come back and she suddenly decided the relationship was over and walked out on me. I made the mistake (before reading sites like this one) of emailing a few days later telling her how I felt and got back a long resposne about why she broke up with me (some I and some that i still can;t figure out). Then i made the next mistake of calling her when I got her resposne without thinking ahead and just made it worse, and then tried to apologize again by email, but never got a resposne.
It was then, while hopelessly waiting for a response, that I started reading sites like this one and relaized I was making a huge mistake. In fact, I had gone nearly two weeks without emailing her or calling her and I was starting to feel better. I was going out and meeting people and slowly getting over it. That was until last night when she showed up at one an event that one of my personal activity groups was holding. It is a group that I have been involved with for years and help run, so just leaving the group is not an option because it is one of my most imprtant and enjoyable outside-work activites and most of my friends are in this group. She had only been attending for about eight months (actually she initially came with her sister and is where I met her. I honestly thought she would never show up, espically after she left em and figured she would have enough sense not to create an awkward situation and she knew this group was something that is very important to me and didn’t even think about it until she walked through the door. She then started to talk to all of my friends as if nothing happened, but never even made an effort to talk to me.
I hate to drop out of this group just to avoid her because it is one of my favorite activities and most of my good friends are involved. I thought I was getting past her, but this one instance of seeing her again brought it all back and I feel like I am starting all over again. I don’t think she intentionally meant to make things awkward, but I can’t believe it did not cross her mind that it might do so, espcially since she knows how imprtant this group is to me.
This comment is more of a relief mechanism than anything because I want to tell her so much how much it hurt to see her again, but realize that is the worst possible thing I can do. That’s why I am venting here. I agree wholeheartedly with the NO CONTACT approach because it was helping me immensely (this last event withstanding). Chances are it will be another month before I see her again, so hopefully that will be enough time to get past things.
The shock of seeing her probably catapaulted you back there but if you are doing your work and concentrating on you and doing the NO CONTACT thing, you WILL get better quicker. You are not right back where you were. You are getting better. And it will get even better from here.
I’m glad I found this site. It is really helping me to put things in perspective. I recently broke up with a man who I had been dating since the beginning of the year. This was a long distance relationship.. i had met him while on vacation. We talked a thousand times a day and had the most wonderful time when we were together. We even discussed marriage and children which is so unlike me since I’ve been an independant woman all my life who has never even perused the magazine stands for wedding magazines or even thought I wanted children. This was a different relationship to me and I gave my all. My last boyfriend was 4 years ago so these feelings were new and dear to me. The relationship ended while I was away on business…he had mentioned that the time difference was a strain because we couldn’t talk as often as usual. We had a short argument about “myspace” as I had asked him if he had thought about deleting his page or pictures since we had been in a relationship. He got defensive and hung up the phone we hadn’t talked since. This was three weeks ago. We’ve texted and emailed but no phone calls. What the heck? I’m going crazy over here. On one hand I’m confused …we didn’t meet online so what’s the big deal. Is he that attached to a website. Was I not enough? He brought up marriage and kids not me? Was that all a joke. I’m so lost right now I don’t know what to do. HELP!!
Thank you for being here. I think that you are trying to make sense out of something that isn’t going to make sense. He said one thing and did another. Attaching too much meaning to another’s words is frustrating heartache. Look at what they do. Look at what is going on here. If you can’t ask someone if they’ve thought of deleting a MySpace page or you can’t overcome the time difference, there are many more hurdles in a relationship to be had. He doesn’t sound like he wants to work on it and probably wasn’t as serious as he made out to be. His words were probably convenient for him at the time. He probably brought up marriage and kids to feel you out. Detach from his words now and in future relationships. Only focus on what they do.
He obviously isn’t ready and it sounds like he is using excuses (time difference/myspace) to end it. You’re going to drive yourself batty trying to make sense of it. Work on moving on. Hard, I know, but this person sounds like he does not deserve you and isn’t ready for a committed relationship. Instead of chasing him, chase your own recovery and getting ready for someone who can and will commit.
Thank you for the website which has some really good advice. About a month ago I ended a one-year relationship with a girl who broke up with me, because she had said that she lost feelings for me due to the limited amount of time we could spend together. A few weeks after the breakup, we still talked online allot, and she still seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing. And when we went bowling a few weeks ago she seemed to enjoy my company. During this time, I hoped that she was going to come around, but when I asked her to do something with me again. She just said that we are not dating, and I have to get it out of my head about us getting back together. She told me that there is no one else, and she just wants to be single for awhile. I then told her, that I need to end contact with her for awhile, until I can accept the breakup. This break up has been hard for me, because this was my first relationship. She says down the road we can do things together as friends, and if romantic feelings happen they happen, but there has to be no expectations. This relationship was long distance, she lives and hour and a half away. So I unless we meet each other voluntarily there really is no personal contact anymore. I guess her previous relationships, have ended with her ex-boyfriends not talking to her at all, so being friends after a break up is a new experience for her. If in time, I can get over our break up, do you think it is wise to still try and get to together as friends with her? I did like her allot as a person, and we did enjoy spending time together.
Hi Jim,
Welcome to the site. I think that for now you should focus on getting over it and moving on. It’s too early to predict what can or cannot happen in the future. It’s really hard to say. Take care of you and be good to Jim. Let the future unfold as it’s supposed to. Peace.
Thank you. Your blog has made what my mind knew so much clearer. I recently ended a 5 year realtionship with my best friend and lover. I needed more than he was able to give and I made the choice to walk away. The problem I have is that we ended still in love, without any drama or anger. As good as it was, it wasn’t enough for me. My mind knew to cut ties completely, however my heart had its own agenda. He would text and I would jump to reply. I couldn’t walk away totally because some part of me hopes for the “what if”.
Your comments here have crystalized what my rational self has tried to tell my heart all along. If it was that good, I’d still be in it. I need to really cut ties, stop answering the texts, and stop looking for something more in that relationship.
Time to take a good long look at your “Ten Things” and get moving in the right direction. Thank you for the clarity of your thoughts and directness in your words.
I see a path now.
Glad you are here Kat. I know that pull because of the “what if?” It’s hard to extract yourself from it, but once you do there is a freedom like you have never known. I’m glad you see the path now. Peace.
Thank you soo very much for your article. It has confirmed and given me knew thoughts ideas on something that I have always practiced. You cannot remain friends with someone you’ve dated.
I was having second thoughts about whether or not I should remain friends with someone I just broke up with…well let me clarify..it was “mutually” agreed that it just wasn’t working. We weren’t spending anytime together..guess you could say the honeymoon stage was over. He wanted to party for days at a time and I was more concerned with how I was going to get my privacy fence built. He begged for us to remain friends..how he remained friends with everyone he’s dated..how it would be good for us to remain friends..go bowling, out to dinner every now and again. I thought for sure he would break down when I said absolutely NOT. Than I started having second thoughts about remaining friends with him. We were friends long before we became intimate BUT I know that I would have those feelings of wanting to be intimate..who he was dating…listen to him talk about who he’s dating.
I have turned off all of my phones so I’m not sure if he’s called..however I am viewing this as my time to readjust..to let whatever feelings I had for him disipate.
Thank you again for your article..I am adding it to my favorites!
Very cool webste Susan. Thanks!
Wow, i wish i read this website after my break up. it would have maybe prevented me from behaving completely unlike myself, bordering on desperate and insane. i guess its all textbook behavior after a horrible, heart breaking ending. i did everything mentioned: emailing constantly, calling, asking and begging. although i hate to think that he made it out “on top” because he refused to respond, i can understand why he didn’t. i wish i was nowhere near internet and phones during this time, that would have saved me from humiliating myself. i had no control, whatsoever… at the end of a relationship, you have many, many questions that will never be answered. and many things you’d like “asshole” to know, but it doesn’t matter anymore. i agree, you have to just save all of whatever energy you have left and rebuild your life and self esteem. also, try not to google your ex and the woman he cheated on you with, that is also a recipe for continued psychotic thoughts. i have been working hard on my distorted thoughts, trying not to compare myself to the other woman and trying to realise that i’m quite a decent human being. its amazing how a break up can really knock you over…
thanks for reading.
This is the first time I looked for help on line. I cried the whole time reading all this. I feel a little bit better. I know now, that I can’t be friends for 6 months or longer. If I call him on the phone and he doesn’t answer the phone, it just kills me. I’m tired of feeling helpless. I’m tired of feeling sad. I cry throughout the day. It just sucks. He was my best friend. I will take your advise…because I’m worth it!
Thanks very much for publishing your “After the Break-Up” assessment; my girlfriend and I recently broke-up after a year and a half long relationship (one year of which was long distance) and I had been telling myself that it didn’t bother me at all because it WAS the right move for both of us. But I do feel a bit anxious, depressed, isolated, etc., all in a non-clinical way, and the posting has reminded me how important and normal this process is. Grieving is an apt description. I am surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family, but the social construct that men shouldn’t show emotion/cry, etc. is deeply seeded. Your blog reminded me that it’s okay to take some time for me, stop thinking about her and what she’s doing and let out my emotions in a positive way over the loss I feel.
It has also been hard not to immediately start dating again (although it hasn’t even been a week yet) as this sometimes has been an antidote for me, but I also recognize that a bounce-back can hurt both people involved.
Thanks again for your caring blog! :)
Hello,
I had been in this relationship w/her for over 6 months. I have known her 2 years up to the time the relationship began. She is my no.1 customer in the business I’m in.
We discussed our issues several times before having our relationship that we would keep personal separate from business. Nearing the end of the relationship, I noticed she would return my calls hours after I leave message (used to be immediately)
didn’t want to talk when I did reach her, made me wonder. Then it became constant
that she would answer at all. I had no choice but to question her @ work, in which I didn’t want to, she would be distant and say she can’t talk now. I had to be careful, because she is my customer and she knew that. Its funny, she would do everything she could to contact me when nobody was around and tell me how much of a good time she had when we first started our relationship. she has 4 kids, 2 are adults, 2 teenagers @ home. we only saw each other every other weekend because of her kids.
I became aggrivatted and told her about the differences in her between now and then.
She said that I had gone too far and that was it, 6 months. I tried to get back with her in the 7th and 8th month, and we did see each other 2 times in that period. The second time she called me @ 4 A.M. (crying) and said she drove around all morning and that she wanted to come up and for me to hold her. She slept the whole time she was there. But each time afterwards, she sounded depressed to talk to me. after the second time, i just let go. Its been three weeks since I seen her, but I still talk to her on a daily basis (strictly business) I never ask her how she is doing or anything personal; last wed, she asked me a question about an item I delivered to her, a dumb question that she should have known, in her normal nice way, I answered professionally. I had to call her 30 min later and someone else had to answer the phone because she was upset personally about something. This is complicated, but we also agreed that we would not tell anyone where I work and where she works about us, so the person that answered didn’t know. Do you think because of the business part and that we were 2hrs apart and could only see each other a limited amount of time caused this? Wants someone local? Give me your imput .
Thanks for taking this!
JAT
Hi,
I split with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago – we had been together for almost 4 years and then on/off in the last year. The two times that he called it off (in the last year) he would get back in touch with me after a few weeks. This time I called it off after hearing him tell me that being with me was ‘forced’ and that he didn’t have the feeling for me anymore, yet up until the argument that led to the break up he would act as normal, tell me he loves me etc. His business failed last year and has been left with a burden on his shoulders – (he had originally set up thr business so he could earn money for our future, to get married etc) His family used to adore me, but have turned on me and to this day I have no idea why. When the business failed, his family who are only concerned with him earning money continuously told him to break up with me and would interfere in our relationship. This last year we have got back together in secret so that his family didn’t know about it. About a week after this break up, I tried to contact him, only to find that he has switched off his phone. Does he really mean what he says that he doesnt love me anymore? or is he doing it for another reason? I’m so confused, I have good days where I think I am moving on and dealing with the pain and I have days where i don’t want to see anyone and cry myself to sleep. He has doen this none contact thing before only he would end up contacting me again. Why is he doing all this?
Thanks
YXL
Wow. This was such an apt article! I just split up with my ex boyfriend three weeks ago. It was very messy. We had been dating for close to a year, and the relationship from the first moment of intimacy, (he waited a couple of months to even kiss me), was fraught with trouble. You wrote about signs, and signals that we ignore and why… learning from our relationship trouble is very important, indeed. I am not sure why I opted to stay in a relationship for as long as I did that I knew was doomed from the beg. But I will work through my own issues through this, and sort it out. At the time I felt this, I initiated our first break up. He had yelled and said things to me that I had told myself that I could never accept in a partner. But he came at me at a very vulnerable time and I gave him, us, another chance. I think, now that first event, five months ago, sealed our fate as a couple. We had some really great times after that, and as our relationship had whirlwind status, it was of course laced with passion and I suspect unhealthy amounts of dependency. I tried several times to confront our issues, and our fights and to somehow fix our problems by communication. But as you can surmise, that did not happen to well.
Our relationship was fraught with emotional intensity, passion and drama! It has been a really heady year so far for me. Good and bad. But I suppose what I realized, maybe too late, was my tenaciousness in holding onto something and trying to make it work, even if it meant hardship on my part. Even if it may not have been what I really wanted.
I suppose the last time at the end of August, he had already mentally tried to disconnect with me by calling on a girl from his past and not letting me know until it was too late. The mind set I was in the entire time we were “together” was that we were still in a relationship and trying to sort things out. He came back from out of town and we talked and we had sex. Normal things we do as a couple. I thought we were mending. Three days later, when I asked him what he wanted to do over the weekend he mentioned his “date” with a girl from his past.
I felt shocked and humiliated. I stormed to his place and demanded my things back and gave back everything he had ever given to me. It was foolish and even more humiliating. He cried a lot, I accused of him of a lot of things, like using me for sex and leading me on. Even though I know and feel what he did was cruel, wrong, and unkind, I know now that to have gone there and to have such a stink was foolish and vain on my part. Even if he does realize that he hurt me and was ignoble, his reflection is not going to take the pain and hurt that I feel inside, away. Ever. I have to work on me. And I am so glad your article is here! I feel like I have taken the right steps in cutting him off completely from my life. He never understood why I could not remain “friends” with him. Now, whatever he thinks, I feel validated and good for knowing intuitively what was healthy/unhealthy for me to move on.
I am so happy that you shared the difference between grieving someone and loving someone. It couldn’t come at a more apt time! I was starting to feel confused about my feelings and playing out scenarios in my head about what to say and do when he emails or calls. Which I know he will do, eventually. But after reading this, I know that I have to let those thoughts go as well, for it is does not seem healthy. I grieve the loss of my self that I shared with an open and trusting heart with someone. I grieve everyday, and it hurts really bad sometimes. But I know that eventually, with time and healing, these feelings will ebb, and I will be back on the road to my happy, trusting, and passionate self. I thank god for my good girlfriends, my good male friends, (who are sometimes trying to sleep with me ; P ) (what girl doesn’t like the attention from members of the opposite sex, even in ribbing, affectionate ways?), and my family who are there for me through thick and thin. Sometimes, I wish it wouldn’t take so long, sometimes I feel better and on the road to recovery, at others I feel like a big giant failure and total devastation ensues. At others I feel angry and enraged. These are all parts of the cycle, I suppose. Henry Rollins says it best, “Breaking up is a bitch.” Thank you for taking the time to write your wonderful heartfelt article and sharing with us your wisdom and success.
its so strange. I am a 30 yeaer old guy who got into my first real relationship ever, and it was also with a guy…a younger guy. we spent nearly 9 months together and i am definitely in love with him. At every turn he doted on me, and frankly i had to ask for space at a certain point. In the time we were together there was never a single argument. One night he doesnt call me back, comes over the next night, we stayed togehter and then out of the blue he ends it.
the next morning he was texting me telling me how much he loved me and that we’d work things out when he got back from his trip that week. When he got back he just ended it and i found myself for the first time in my life. It has been three months and i tried to reach out and be the bigger guy, asking him for a quick meet up to just say goodbye. He wouldnt do it, sayiing that it would still be awkward. I am so sad, so lonely and i havent found closure, i guess i never will. he apparently cheated on me, emotionally at least, and for some reasaon i cant find any anger in that. im so tired of talkinga bout it, writing about it, looking for websites, hoping he misses me…leaving signs. I send him a note in the mail saying that i realized we werent on the same page and that was ok and that i was not going to wait around anymore for him….he probably got the note today…i dont know how ill ever move on
My wife and I have had a rough go of it the last few months. Basically, I caught her having an emotional affair with an ex over email. I went ballistic. She said that I had not been there for her in over 2 years (we have a 2 year old). We started counseling and finally found a good one. She goes to one and I go to the other and then we meet together. Basically, things seem normal on the surface as our routine has not changed, but she never calls me, I am anxious and somewhat depressed over it, when I am home she is always scheduling things to do with her friends, like she is really trying to punish me. When I ask her about if she say she loves me and just wants me to chill out. In the mean time, I am going nuts. ANY EXPERTS PLEASE ADVISE>>>
I am trying to just leave her alone, but finding it nearly impossible.
thanks for this site, it made me feel better. I have never looked for things like this online before, but everything that is written makes so much sense. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple months ago because “he didn’t have time for a girlfriend” anymore and we both knew that things had not been going well for a while. I was crushed, especially since it happened on the phone while i was at work. I asked to see him in person about a week later to have a little closure, and we ended up sleeping together… big mistake. I then proposed we take a couple weeks of space to figure things out, and he said a few things like “we need to start over….” “we’ll always be part of each other’s lives…” so naturally i was hopeful. He called a few weeks later and did not sound like he was into having any kind of relationship again. Two more times we hung out, slept together, and sort of got back together. IT never really felt right, but i wasn’t sure if i was over analyzing everything, or being to skeptical or what. All of the relapses he said he wasn’t sure, he didn’t want it to turn out how it had gotten to be before, and seemed hesitant about it. he still said strange things like “we’ll always be close”, “i always want you in my life, we have to at least be friends” , “i don’t have time to think for two anymore, i can barely think for myself”, “you should come move in with me someday”, “i want to marry you i like five years, i just feel that if we don’t have space now we wont work out later”…………. etc. i agreed with some of this but was confused by all the mixed messages. , he apparently still wanted to be part of my life, sometimes wanted to be my boyfriend , but other times did not. Finally I told him I would not sleep with him without him having any responsibilities, because it just tore me up inside. He then said, “that is fine, i just want you in my life, friends is fine”…. so i appreciated his honesty at least, but then trying to be friends was still awkward for me. the communication was so inconsistent and I did not feel comfortable just calling as i would with other “friends”. That sort of thing should just be innate, you shouldn’t have to plan out calls etc. it felt like a game. and i didn’t want to play it anymore. I figured that if he really did want to make it work he would have been straightforward with me, the way he always had been in the past, in the past he was more of the pursuer and i was more hesitant of a relationship. but i gave it a chance, we had a great time for the most part, and i learned a lot and i learned how to love and trust somebody and open up to them. maybe this is why the ending was so painful. I finally cut the contact. It was one of the hardest things for me to do but i felt that it was necessary for me to move on. I felt bad because he mostly called me when he was upset, or had some problem, or whatever and so then i had to tell him i couldn’t talk anymore and i felt bad. for some reason i now feel like i did something horribly wrong, especially since he didn’t call on my birthday (which is stupid because i cut the contact therefore should not have expected anything)…. but i just wish i would know if i made the right choice by cutting the contact. I keep re thinking all the mixed messages, but after reading your site things have been made more clear. I just wish if he really wanted out to have just broken up with me that he would have left me to be and heal., instead it was this drawn out half ass back together game for almost 3 months where i would fall for his pleads on the phone to come see him, etc. i feel like my moving on phase is now beginning all over again.
Stay strong Jenny! It sounds like you are doing the absolutel right thing by staying NC! Good luck!
What if you have broken it off… he keeps calling to “talk” and ends up telling you how much you hurt him,,,,,,over, and over? It gets tiring and it keeps hurting you.
Sarah, why are you talking to him? Cut off all communication! does it hurt when you do that? Don’t do that.
Wow! Excellent advice. I was in a relationship with a gal for 3 and a half years. I moved her down to Florida and we lived together for a year. Her son came down as well.
It was the worst year of my life. I moved out from her three times during that period. Well, we kept dating but decided to not live together. We dated for another year and a half after that. It was terrible.
During the last three months we were together, I tried everything, short of having an affair, to end our relationship. She finally ended it last Feb.
I was devestated even though I really caused the breakup. I guess it’s like you say in the article, I was now the pursuer,.She knew it and toyed with me for more than three. months. Finally, I told her in June no more contact. I began working out, saw a Therapist, and got on anti-depressants. She called three times in June but I didn’t take her calls.
We saw each other in July and she couldn’t get over how great I looked. She began dating a guy shortly after our breakup and told me how much greater I was than him. She wanted to get back together.
I fell for it and she crushed me. I left her a few e-mails telling her how rotten she was and ended all contact two months ago.
I moved and sent her an e-mail saying goodbye. She was very terse in her one sentence reply. I think it’s because I changed all my phone numbers, and she now knows it.
Your article has been the best advice I’ve received. Thank you
I’m glad I found this site. Reading about others in similar situations has been comforting. I have felt so alone in what I have been going through. None of my friends or family can really relate.
I am struggling with not only missing my ex but with the guilt of refusing to remain his friend after he broke up with me. He and I met on the internet. It may sound crazy, but I fell for him before I ever actually met him fact to face. I never believed that something like that could happen, but I developed such feelings of closeness to him. I was hesitant to fall for him at first, but he dispelled all my fears about the distance, saying that it didn’t matter in this day and age. After several months of daily correspondence (it was long distance), phone calls, gift exchanges, picture exchanges, we met in person and spent two great weeks together. We had a lot of fun and he even met my family and closest friends. He asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him during this time. We made plans for future vacations, I met some of his friends and his mother, and he suggested I move to where he lived in the future. He even brought up children. I was in love. I thought he was as well. I thought it was such a romantic situation, that it was meant to be.
But to make a long story short he emailed me after New Year’s and told me he needed to tell me something. What he told me was that over the holidays, he met a girl in his hometown and really liked her and that he thinks she liked him. He said that he couldn’t help how he felt about her and that she “blew him away”. He said, “the distance was always conspiring against us anyway” and that he wanted to be friends with me. I was completely caught off guard by this and I was so hurt. I was planning to move to his city. I cared for him so much. I felt betrayed. He said that he knew he hurt me and he was sorry but at the same time he wasn’t because he met someone who “blew him away.” He said that she was from another city but was there every two weeks and was probably going to move there anyway. He wanted me to be friends with him. I told him that yes I was hurt but I couldn’t be friends. He kept emailing me over and over and wouldn’t leave me alone. I began to feel guilty for not being his friend (because he was the type that was friends with most of his other exes) and I tried to stay in touch but it was hard for me.
I found myself feeling confused and looking for clues in everything he said that he was sorry and wanted to get back together with me. He didn’t mention the girl he left me for and I didn’t ask. I didn’t want the details. I really didn’t even know if they had gotten together or not. I assumed that they had because he was talking to me “differently” almost like a sister. I couldn’t deal with it but I was afraid to completely cut him off because deep down I hoped he would change his mind. Pathetic I know. I told him that I was hesitant to keep in touch several times and he would leave me alone for a few weeks, then email me again as if everything was fine.
Anyway, after about 4 months of him contacting me, and me replying politely though I had told him I couldn’t be friends (I wanted to appear that I was ok enough to be friends, missed him, craved contact with him, and secretly wanting him back), he oh so casually mentioned to me in a “friendly” email that he had bought a house and that he no longer lived alone. He said that “she isn’t working right now but he hoped she found a job soon”. Well, that went all through me and I felt not only devastated but so angry at him for mentioning that so casually to me. I wrote back that I thought what he said was insensitive because of the way he broke up with me and that if the tables had been turned and I was the one who left him for another guy, I wouldn’t be flaunting it in his face. I told him that I thought it was callous and that I didn’t appreciate it. He wrote back, “I didn’t think that would bother you in the slightest.” I was like WTF????
Anyway, I wrote back that I was sorry but being friends wasn’t the best idea (once again) unless a breakup was mutual and that I wouldn’t be in touch anymore. I wished him well and blocked him from contacting me again.
My problem is not only the pain of losing him, feelings of betrayal and resentment, jealousy over him being with this other girl, but also of feeling GUILTY for refusing to be his friends and be cool with everything. I miss him still and feel like since I cut off contact, he wouldn’t even come back if he wanted to now and it’s my fault. I felt like I was worse than his other exes because they all somehow miraculously remained his friend and seemed not to care if he was with another girl. I felt less than them somehow. I feel bad that he and I don’t speak anymore and I feel like it’s my fault because I refused the friendship. I know it’s messed up, but I’ve been in such a depression since all of this and it’s not getting any better. It’s been a year since he initially broke up with me and I feel like I’m not getting over it. I’ve gotten over longer relationships easier than I am getting over this more brief one. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m going on with my life and not talking to him anymore, but I think about it all at least once a day. Cutting off contact didn’t even really help because I just feel guilty or like I ruined any chance of a reconciliation. I don’t even know why I would consider taking him back anyway. I feel like I’m losing it. Thanks for listening.
Lisa,
Attention. Forget every negative thought you have regarding your interaction in this relationship – and proceed directly to dumping ALL OF IT back on him. His actions are that of a coward and a sneak. I am sorry to be so blunt, but YOU DESERVE BETTER GAL. Look at his actions and tell me, who is the better person? Dont let yourself get run over, that is what happened. Go find a good person who will treat you right. Peace
OMG, Lisa. Yes, listen to Ralph. That guy is SNEAKY. You have very good instincts. Sneaky
people have a way of making sincere people question themselves. What he did was deceptive
and misleading. Thank goodness you are NOT like his exes. He may be stringing THEM along, too. Be thankful you are not the woman living in his house now. What he did to you, he will do to her. If he were honorable, he would not communicate with you–out of respect for you AND for the woman living with him. He may even be an internet predator. Don’t give him another day of your life. You are a very smart woman–trust yourself!
K
Thanks for your replies Ralph and Kathy. I really appreciate it your support. You are right, Ralph. I suppose I was the better person in all of this though it doesn’t feel that way when you are the one dumped literally out of nowhere (without even an argument or discussion of anything being wrong beforehand). At least I was always honest, had the best of intentions, and my feelings for him were sincere : ) Maybe going from romance to friendship was so easy for him because he never truly cared for me (despite what he said) as I truly cared for him. I wanted to believe that he was a good guy because he seemed so normal…attractive, educated, intelligent, shy but friendly, well traveled, well read, etc. He has a good job, nice family and friends. I had respect for him. He certainly didn’t strike me as in internet predator (that seems such a strong statement) so I hope my judgment about him wasn’t completely wrong. If so, he had me completely fooled. If he used me for any reason, it was probably for travel and sex, though I hate to believe that was his intention all along.
I just never had an ex who insisted on staying friends immediately after initiating a breakup with me before. This completely confused me. In the past, if I had a breakup, no matter who initiated it, we always went our separate ways. If someone who broke up with me made contact again, it was usually for a reconciliation. I am a nice person and I suppose I felt that I was being “mean” and “not cool” like his other exes for not remaining his friend. I guess I care too much what he thinks of me still. Silly huh? When I told him I couldn’t be friends, he would email me saying, “I miss you. Please reconsider! I don’t ever want to lose touch with you.” It made me think that he may really still have cared for me. Instead of blaming him for being a coward and a sneak for being disloyal (he insisted that he hadn’t cheated with the other girl by the way) I blamed myself for doing everything wrong and putting him off somehow. When a guy talks about how great the girl he leaves you for is to the point that he can’t help how he feels about her, it’s a big blow to your self esteem. It’s just been a hard situation and one I have not experienced before. Thanks again.
Lisa,
Just hang in there. You said it yourself, you can not be his friend right now. That is all you need to know. Become comfortable with yourself, and know yourself. You will be glad you did later. R
Thanks. I’m trying to hang in there. I just feel so angry at myself that I still miss him after his disloyalty. I feel jealous that he is with the other girl and not me. And I feel guilty and wish I could have kept in touch as friends because I miss talking to him. What is wrong with me? I must be nuts. Grrr! lol. Anyway thanks again Ralph.
I burned myself last week when I contacted the ex out of concern for her. I too felt guilty, that I had abandoned her. All of the pain came back in droves. I has doing so well before the contact. I hurt so much right now. I have to accept that I’m only human, that I am not capable, at this point, of loving her in a detached way. I am not that strong and I have to accept that.
Ralph, Ben and Lisa… the three of us, suffering from contact with the ex. Susan says we are not supposed to do this, I think because it just causes us more pain and setbacks in our progress towards healing from the breakup. I dont know about you two, but I make up a hundred excuses for why I should maintain a friendship with the ex. I like their company, we share things in common, we have ties financially and busines wise that force us to cooperate, we have dogs to share, etc, etc. And some of these are vaild reasons. I can ill afford to totally break contact from a financial perpective, and it will be a while before all the financial areas are divided. I am uncertain how to maintain an attitude of cooperation on one front to keep the peace involving financial/dog ties, while at the same time have no contact as a friend. Not that mine is any more difficult than anyone elses situation, it is just mine. Susan says make all your contact business atmosphere only, and otherwise stay clear of the ex. Since we decided to spend time apart (we were seeing each other daily after the break up , or at least on the phone) I have quickly come to realize what my part was in the breakup. I am now just realizing it, and it took time apart for that to set in. I am a pleaser, and I bend over backwards to please the ex, to the detriment of my own comfort. This is not good. I was so absorbed in her/her needs/ her desires, that I forgot who I was and paid no attention to my needs. I did not know how to tactfully say no, so I just went along with all her ideas, whether I thought they were good ones or not. Now I find myself in a position of loss, loss of my self, my identity, and my relationship because of my actions. I know I was not the only one to blame, but I did play a part. I think I just said yes all the time because I had too many stresses thru the past years, two ailing parents with multiple catastrophic events, death of a friend, death of family member my age, all the sort of things one has heaped on them. I dont think either one of us knew what was happening to the relationship, it just happened. And when we realized it, it seemed to late, well to the other party it did anyways… because she refused to get counseling. So, now I am trying to figure out how to get Humpty-Dumpty back together again. Peace. R
Lisa,
I think you and Ben and I share something, we tend to dump every bad event in our own laps. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY HERE. Try this, for one week dont think about ANYTHING but exactly what YOU want, WHEN you want it, and HOW you like it. Be 100% self absorped for a week. Think you can do it? I think we should try it. R
You’re right Ralph. Though I shouldn’t and wish I didn’t, I still miss him. I feel badly that he and I don’t talk anymore because I care about him. It’s a hard situation. When it becomes particularly upsetting and I have feelings of guilt, I have to remind myself exactly why we don’t speak and I remember that it’s because he decided to date another girl instead of me when he and I were still together and thing were going well (or so I thought because he sure never indicated otherwise).
I was happy and in love and wanted to continue seeing him. If he was unhappy about anything, he sure never let me know. He only broke up with me after meeting the other girl. He gave me “I met someone else” as his primary reason for suddenly breaking up with me…with “I guess if I had been completely happy I wouldn’t have noticed anyone else” and “the distance was always conspiring against us anyway” as backup reasons for what he had done (after the fact). It just all felt like a kick in the gut. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over what happened because I didn’t do anything. I didn’t choose to go after another guy or choose to end things with him but still I did beat myself up for being “not good enough” and “not as good as the new girl” for a very long time. I am still working on fixing my self-esteem because the way things ended with him. I am starting to do better but I have a ways to go. Thanks.
Lisa Anne
Hi there, I’m glad I stumbled upon this site. It’s good to see there are others who are or were as confused as I am.
To cut a very long story short, my boyfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago after us being best friends for 3 years and in a relationship for 9months after that. Many issues: his family is very religious and his parents don’t approve of me, he still likes his ex, we get on each other’s nerves so much sometimes and the kind of relationship he wants (allbeit a serious one) is one where we wouldn’t be spending all our time together (his parents live apart through work) which is NOT what I want. Despite all this, we get on SO well together.I’ve never clicked with anyone else the way I click with him, and I’m sure he feels the same. I thought he was the one and I was positive we;d end up together. But he was away all summer and things were fine up till the end, when his mother stopped talking to him because he was coming back down to me. That’s when we broke up.
But of course, he said we’d stay friends and we did -talked on the phone every day etc. And then when he came back down a week later, we slept together. I was so happy, but turns out it was totally lust driven, and we broke up again. Part of me will never forgive him for that, and he suggested we spend some time apart because he said he still wanted to be with me but he knows it owuld never work out. I was so angry with him and so pissed off that I was going to be losing a friend that I told him it was a bad idea and I’d be fine being his friend – pretending I’d already got over him! So we did and naturally we began a “friends with benefits” relationship. That’s been going on for 3 months. We hang out every day and used to feel guilty about it, but we spoke and at first we thought we were btoh getting what we wanted – sex and friendship.
But now I’m looking for more. I need to have some kind of closeness like that of being in a reltaionship. When we hang out now and don’t sleep together I leave feeling empty and alone. I have huge problems with being alone these days – I stay out until the early hours of the morning driving about after class every night because the thought of going home to an empty bed depresses me terribly. I’m terrified he’s going off of me because I want to be the one to end it if this is to end. My parents are so angry I’m still hanging out with him, they say I’m far too good for him and truthfully I know I am. He has commitment issues, that’s his excuse for why he doesn’t want to be with me as a boyfriend and I feel I’m cheapening myself by submitting to him whenever he wants to hang out, knowing that we “might” sleep together. It’s beginning to get me down. I want to move on but I’m too scared because I want to be with someone, even if it is jsut a good friend who I get affection from sometimes.
Thanks for listening.
Karen, you get what you put up with and you’re settling for a lot less than you deserve.
The fear of being alone drives people to do desperate things and desperate people are taken advantage of by people who sense their desperation.
My suggestion would be to LEARN to be alone and then you will not accept crumbs from the table of life which is what your ex is offering you.
If you do not ask for more from life and relationships, you will never get it and you will NEVER get it if you are afraid of being alone.
All good things come from learning to be alone and to be ENOUGH on your own. The paradox is that once you learn to be alone, others who are strong and healthy come into your life and then you are not alone.
HUNGRY PEOPLE MAKE POOR SHOPPERS. Stop the hunger. Find some interests and hobbies and learn to be okay when you are by yourself. A whole wonderful world awaits you.
Try it. You can do this.
Thank you Susan, thank you. People tell you things like this and a lot of the time in the past I have just let it skim the surface, but it’s really starting to hit home now. Thing is, I have SO many friends whom I care for as much and whom I know love me more than he does, yet everything I do revolves around him. but that is going to stop and I’m beginning to enjoy being myself again. My sporting activities really help with this.
You know you’re right – he is offering me the crumbs from the table of life and I know I deserve the full meal. Problem is, right now he seems to be holding me at arms’ length from it and I need to be strong enough to push past.
Thanks again.
Hi there,
I have just split up with my boyriend of 5 months.
We really loved each other andstill do but he had told me he didn’t think he would be able to move to where I live (I live in England he lives in Ireland) and as we argued a bit he didnt trust our relationship enough to leave his job friend etc.
I couldnt move there as i have got a lot more commitments.
So, since we split he has been texting a lot and says he misses me and still loves me.
I have asked him for no contact for a while so we both can have head space and think about things.
The thing is I am itching to send him a message and all I really want is us to get back together but I don’t want to be hurt in the future.
Help! lol
x
Man this is good advice. If it is over, it’s over. Let it go and get over it.
The quicker you can move on with confidence the faster things will go your way. It is cliche but very true – there are more fish in the sea.
Don’t take too long getting over someone if it just isn’t meant to be.
Paul
________________________
Get Your Girlfriend Back
Hi Paul, it’s very easy to say let it go, but the process of doing it is so much harder, and I am sure you will agree.
My ex broke up with me last July and I still wasnt letting it go until I decided to contact him again by email on October which served as my wake-up call because by then I have somehow unattached myself from the situation, saw him for what he really was and then the letting go process became easier.
Sometimes even if our family and friends tell us ‘he is no good, there are better people out there’ even until we are blue in the face, not until something happens, like a moment of clarity, or an epiphany of sorts, that we can really say, enough is enough! I dont want this anymore! And then it happens, finally, you find yourself letting go. It may take longer for some people but they will get there.
I wanted to move on quickly but all it did was send me back to square one. I realised that even if I didnt want to that I needed to wail, bellow, cry, question, mourn for a good couple of months until my entire system and my heart just got tired of it all. I am not completely healed, but I am moving on and have truly let go.
I have said this repeatedly but this blog has been instrumental in my healing and I am sure a lot of you who have found Susan’s blog feel the same. Take care of you more than anything else!
i just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. we lived together for the last year, but he got too comfortable. he moved in with me, paying basically no rent and never seemed to have the ambition for us to move out. i was ready to get married to move out. he was not. it become me pushing and pushing and pushing. he retreated, lost jobs, never had any money, and never seemed to care about anything. it wasnt until the last push over the phone i told him how sad i was, he never came home. i called 3 hours later to find out he was staying with a friend and that he wanted to end the relationship “it would be the best for both of us” he said. he also said “he’d rather not do it face to face, these things don’t end nicely or they don’t end.” i freaked out, but then took a deep breath, changed my status to single on all my websites, and stayed with a friend. he continued to write me how sorry he was what a mistake he was making how he wanted to try harder and i kept replying NO. my friend and i moved all of his things out, and i am now alone. i know the relationship was not healthy, but i lost my best friend. i can’t sleep. i find myself unable to focus. i got onto his myspace and facebook to read about his days. i want to call him and email him. i realized he was missing a few things and so i emailed him about that, but i feel its an excuse to keep connected. i miss him, but i know we cant be together. i want to sit down and talk to him one day. hopefully ill be able to sleep. it’s really not easy. (this has been since wednesday, today is only monday)
thank you!
Mimi: hang in there. It sounds like he is a little boy who doesn’t really want to grow up. I think your actions were good but we all backslide a bit when the weight of the grief hits us. Take care of Mimi.
Mimi, this sounds so tough but you sound strong! (“I took a deep breath…”) I lost my best friend too…and got out of an unhealthy relationship at the same time, like you did. These past two days have been hard…I realized tonight, that for the last three years, he and I saw each other at least twice a week…I’m trying to keep in mind that I need to surround myself with positive people who truly value me. I did the myspace thing too for a while- I cancelled my account so I wouldn’t be tempted!
I was invited to a party and warned that The Ex might be there. We broke up on very bad terms upon my discovery of his lying and cheating about a month and a half ago.
I’m pretty sure seeing him will cause me more pain than is fair to put on myself, but I’m upset at the thought of giving up on seeing people I like when he is the one who did wrong.
Someone told me I should be the bigger person, but it seems more like sheer masochism, giving him any kind of access to try and manipulate me again at all.
Thoughts?
Rebecca
I never know what the hell “be the bigger person” means or why anyone would use that as some kind of barometer for behavior. It’s NOT what you should be shooting for…where the HELL does that get you? Oh, I’m the bigger person. Good, now you get to comfort yourself with that idiotic sentiment. Arrghh.
You should take care of YOU. Sometimes it’s not fair and not okay that you have to give up other people too but the number one concern should be YOU TAKING CARE OF YOU. There will be other parties. For now, be good to you.
Hahaha, thank you. That helps and pretty much matches what my gut was trying to tell me – Great, I’m the bigger person, so what? How does that help me when I go home and cry myself to sleep, having ripped open half-healed emotional wounds?
Thanks,
Rebecca
I was dumped on New Years Day by my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. She was acting strange since Thanksgiving, went away just before Christmas was gone 10 days, never heard from her until 1/1. Said it was over, said she loved me ( she rarely would say it ) I was a great guy, we have so much in common, please call her and still be friends.
We are both in our early 50’s. We started dating seriously when she was recovering from chemo, radiation, and (partial) reconstructive surgery after having a radical mastectomy from breast cancer. I fell head over heals, did not mind her scars, told her she was beautiful, she would reply ” glad you think so..”
Needless to say I am crushed. I am glad to read this advice, because I’ve wanted to contact her, but now know that it won’t do either of us any good.
I still hope that we will be together some day, I’ve made her the center of my life, and the rejection is very painful. I’m glad that I was able to spend her healing time together, and maybe gave her the confidence to go out and find someone who can give her what she needs.
Some days I’m OK, some I’m a mess. She really just wasn’t that into me.
Thanks for listening.
It doesnt seem like it is about someone else in this case. She might have issues with her health problem, so it might just be about herself and the fact that she has gone through mastectomy. It is one of the biggest female issues and I can imagine a person is never exactly the same after that. And it doesnt seem like it was you fault that she wasn’t into you either. It seems like she was going through some tough times and you ware the only man who is a man enough. It is a rare quality you’ve got, Rob. When your healing process is over you will find an amazing woman who wil be less troubled and luckier to appreciate you.
Welcome Rob. Glad you’re here. She sounds like she had a lot of complicated issues and maybe she just needs time alone.
Like Waterlilly says you sound like a special person. I’m glad you’re here with us and that you are working through. Keep sharing.
Peace,
Susan
mimi: i cannot believe what happened to you! this man you spent 4 years with, he is such a coward, he can’t even have a simple conversation face to face. he is a coward and he runs away from problems. he seems to be looking for someone to replace his mommy- cooking, cleanig, taking care of him, giving him space and protecting him, comforting and pleasing him in every way. as soon as he realized that actually you want to be his wife and partner, and not his mother or patron, he is out. what a loser!
This is a follow-up to my post on 1/10.
My girlfriend was basicly raising her son alone for 7 years. Her husband would visit once or twice a month. He was verbally and physically abusive and constantly belittled her in front of her son. She was very protective of the boy, and I think did not have good boundries. She even had him change dressings after her mastectomy, the boy was only 15 or so. There were female neighbors that would have done it for her.
Her husband took her son, divorced her, and in the past year has sort of reconnected with her son now that he’s in college. She told me that her son was angry that she was dating me, (she just told him recently) and quicly added that “he doesn’t run my life”.
So, I think she dumped me in order to get her son’s affection back. I couldn’t ever compete with her son. The saddest part is that I don’t think he will approve of her dating anyone, and she doesn’t realize it. She is sacrificing her happiness with a man she really loves and who loves her because she wants her son back.
I think that once her son realizes he has that kind of control, she will never be able to be happy. Her son learned well from his father how to push her buttons, and probably will repeat his fathers treatment of her and other women in his life.
I’m glad that I’m out of the whole mess now, and can leave with still loving her and knowing that I did my best for her while it lasted and it would never work.
May the son have mentioned something about the ex-husband planning to get back with the mother? If the son is on his father’s side, both men (or the father through the son- or the son hoping that his parents will get back together) could be influencing your ex-girlfriend.
Either way, Rob, this is not an excuse for her to have let go of you. IT DOESN”T MATTER who is influencing whom. She is an adult and is responsible for her own actions.
Rob, she sounds very enmeshed with her son and that it goes back a long way. Not only aren’t you ever going to win this, but it sounds like these people have a lot of issues. Be good to you and move on as best you can.
I did all of those things and my ex-gf just went off and started going home from the bars with different guys like I didn’t even exist. Thanks for this post. I am working hard to let go of her because someone like that is just not worth my time.
Hello susan, thanks for your wonderful website. I feel like being blessed after reading all of your advices and other people’s experiences and concerns. Why?..I just had my break-up this 27th and it was a 3 year long affair. Me and my boyfriend were college mates and then we fell into love with each other after 3 years of college. It was me who approached him for a relationship. Why I am mentioning this here is, because he often used to say, that he could have never ever proposed a girl, even if he was in love for any period of time with that very person. I must admit, I somehow, sensed this and took the initiative. I was like, it doesn’t matter who approaches whom when two people are in love. Our relationship was going very well for 3 continuous years. In the mean time, we had normal fights and conflicts as are bound to happen in any relationship. It was all going well, until two days back, when he told me that he can not continue with me any longer. It was a shock for me. I could have never ever imagined that even in my weirdest of dreams that he will be dumping me someday. I have never took him for granted. But this belief of me that nothing bad can happen happen between us, got broken when he said those words that he hates me like anything. I have done every possible thing to make him happy. From helping him in his studies to helping him financially ( he was from a rich family than ours, but he was always having NO money). We used to be very good friends before our relationship started and we both were very happy to have our friendship converted into a relationship. He has even talked to his family about me and taking this relationship further till marriage and same was there on my side too. We were from different casts, but as I said he belongs to a very reputable family, he and his family were open to such things and moreover same was there on my side too. So, there was nothing that can be called “imperfect” between us, until this doom’s day (atleast for me) when he said those harsh words to me. I asked for the reason and he said he just feels bored and want to try different things. I said, why he needs to break up with me then, he can even do this while keeping this relationship with me. But he explained that I have not been behaving the way he expected me to behave. He has already talked about this to his elder sister, whom he trusts the most in his family. I argued with him that he could have solved the things with me instead of telling them to his sister firsthand. He got angry and started abusing me like hell. It was a period of great shock for me and I feel still in the denial phase. Whats wrong with him? What has happened all of a sudden. He is unpredictable at many time for sure..but I have never thought that he will be doing this to me. I have cried a lot and yelled in front of him to get back to the relationship..but he is insisting on the thing that he hates me! I can not bear this listening from the person whom I have literally worshiped..Its hard phase of my life. I have my exam on this 15th and he says that I he has done right by telling me his plan for future that he will not be marrying me and now if I want I can drop my exams and take some other course. Its making me more mad when he says that all he did was for my future to be good.What the heck? I feel totally confused. I have been trying to talk to him past three days and he is always ignoring me like I am trash. I said please don’t be so cruel and he asked me to remain friends with me ( I hate when guys offer this..cowards) I got furious over this and said that if he hates me, then how can he be a friend of mine! He said he will be giving me preferrences over all of his friends and blah..blah..but my gut feeling is not to get involved with his selfish motives..because he can not stay alone. He always needs company. Before me, he had a time pass girl as friend (just a friend from his side..but the girl actually liked him..she disappeared when he accepted my proposal). Please help me with this. He calls me weak and unstable..when I am not at all..its actually I tend to react earlier at things and thats all..so. he calls me unstable. I have now switched off my phone since yesterday and although I had feelings of calling him and sorting things out again..but after reading the NO CONTACT thing here..I am alarmed. yes, that can happen with me too. He can humiliate me too by not responding to my calls or emails. Please help me with one thing.. I want to ask, if whatever I have done is really right? I don’t care what he thinks about me..but what concerns me the most is his family, to whom I was bound like a daughter since our relationship. I will not be contacting his family too..Will it be rude? I am really confused about all this. I have my exam too..I don’t know what will be happening in the time to come. Please tell if this is the way to deal with such a situation? I am not worried about my exam as I am already prepared for it. Much thanks once again for this wonderful blog. Will be looking forward for your advice. Thanks susan!
Myself: Yes it is the way to deal with it. You need to worry about you, taking care of you and getting over this. That is your main concern righ tnow. I know it’s tough with family. My ex inlaws were out of my life for 12 years and they are back now but I had to take care of me and even though their son treated me like crap, he was their son.
I know it’s hard but you need to be your first priority now and if people think you rude (my ex inlaws thought me rude and crazy) then what they think of you is none of your business. You HAVE to be good to you!!! Hang in there!
Glad you’ve joined us! You’re in the right place.
Oh dear.
I bumped into the ex last night, and instead of doing the grown up thing that I have managed for the last 6 months, I did the stupid thing of inviting him round to talk. Thankfully that was all it was “talking”, but I feel totally devestated today. I’ve tried talking to my friends and family who have been so supportive through the whole thing, but I think theyre losing patience with me. I know I shouldnt have suggested talking to him, Ive just been having such a hard time recently and seeing him was so familiar. My friends and family have seen what the break up and relationship did to me, and therefore dont want to see me hurt myself anymore. And I dont want to hurt myself anymore, but I have.
And now I dont know what to do, I dont know if he has gone off with the impression that we could get back together, I ended up telling him that in some way I still love him. But that’s not what I wanted to say, and if I hadnt have been drinking I would never have said it, or invited him over.
I just feel awful.
D
Dear Ralph, Lisa, Myself, Susan and everyone else…
God, I’ve been struggling with the same thing. He gave me cards, love poems of how I would always be a part of him etc., how much he loved me and how he would never get close to another girl, not even friendshipwise… well what do you know.. he was introduced to a friend online….young hot girl, he started chatting her up, txting and calling her. They finally met (they live apart) and I go out the window after 4 years of being together. The last conversation we had was him yelling because I asked him not to drink too much (he’d always oblige to a few drinks only, I was expecting the same from him) and then he lashed out at me telling me not to tell him what to do, he can take care of himself etc. When I told him to keep a distance from this new friend who’s a girl, during the same conversation he was like ‘why do i have to show you her chats’, I will get close to her if I feel like blah blah… and he yelled and hung up and never contacted me once for 3 weeks… I felt like I was left for dead and he spit on me and walked away. He had tried to break our reln in a similar manner (with no explaining, just yelling on some topic and cutting communication) but we patched up coz I knew he wasn’t interacting with any other woman so I still wanted us to work things out and we got back together…. even a few weeks before that last harsh conversation he was so loving and caring. I don’t know when what feelings he developed for this other person. He contacted me after 3 weeks with a horrible voicemail just saying hi..not asking how I am or sorry for the last conversation…nothing. This time I never contacted him in the meantime because I wanted to be different, I always went after him when we had problems… I didn’t return his call. He left me one im, I called him back and he said he hadn’t seen my emails (from a month ago) but he was talking to this new girl every day… even now (i have them both on instant messenger, she was introduced to me from a common friend) he is in touch with her txts her, calls her all the time… my no. used to be the one showing up in the phone records… for 4 years… no one else u know… imagine how that should make me feel. I see them on im and it hurts so much. I have had no other contact since. I put away all the stuff he’s given me (started to the last time he broke up) but it’s so hard to get out of this thought cycle. I can’t believe that he could give me such sentimental cards and just flip the switch after meeting her. Does he not feel any guilt or remorse. Clearly he does not care abt what the hell I went through for that one month while he was contacting her every day. How does one overcome this stuff… he was everything to me and made me feel the same to him but then he changed. He never discussed if he had a problem. Even now, I wrote him an email last week, the last email getting everything out… telling him how i feel coz apparently he wanted to know which is why he called after 3 weeks. But no reply. I see him online daily but he has no face to answer the questions I have. I can’t believe that somone can be that selfish and such a coward. He’s just avoiding confrontation … to his own feelings and carrying on in this new relationship. I wonder if because he’s doing a rebound thing if it will ever hit him hard. I also wonder whether what goes around comes around…will the hurt I’ve gone through and all the waste of my life this has been ever hit him as hard too? I wish it would!
good luck to you all… i’m so glad i’m not the only one going through this!
I also wanted to add that when I returned the phone call he gave me after 3 weeks, I ended up ending the call all upset and telling him to spend all his time with this new girl as he doen’st have any time to even read an email from me from a month ago. I did call him selfish and said that he was not the guy I thought he was. After I hung up, he called me back twice and left me a voicemail saying he wanted to talk about how I just said I felt. To me, I don’t think there was anything that could be patched up or talked about as the trust had already been broken and though he was texting her and calling her for the last 3 weeks almost daily , he said he had only once or twice. So I haven’t called him back since. I’ts been very hard to go through all this by myself as I live alone, no room mates, not alot of people I know to hang out with either (whereas he’s with room mates or friends all the time and he knows that this is much much harder for me than it is for him).
Since I never called him back, I sent him that email with all my feelings last week and no reply to that.
Now I know his claim will be that he called me back, but I never called him so we never sorted anything out and hence I’m a major cause of the break up (but inside he knows what he has done). I don’t even know why i’ve been with such a guy for so long. The sexual chemistry was great, not sure if I’ll ever feel that with anyone else and all the love and care was great too, but still…see how I was treated in the end and dropped like a hot pot. Sometimes I wonder what is it you should feel stable when you have in a relationship? Or when do you know you have a good relationship? I was with another guy long time ago (who still might be interested, not sure)…he’s a great honest, decent guy, always respected me, very friendlike however the sex had to be worked on alot and it never really improved. I don’t know if that can be compromised, but I feel all the other qualities in him are really mature and life lasting.
Thanks.
Oh my god, I can’t stop writing!
I didn’t get any ‘I love you’s’ (I did up until his last harsh shout out and claim that he can get close to anyone he wants)…no break up talk… nothing..how the hell am I supposed to feel after all those years, promises, hopes and dreams. If he had so much of a problem with how things were, he never had the decency to come to me and say .. he we have to talk abt this… let’s work it out… nothing! Just dropped me like a hot pot and claims to miss me or care for him (he thinks he does) but if he did, I wouldn’t be where I am today I guess.
Broken Heart,
He sounds rather emotionally immature, if not verbally abusive. There’s nothing you
are “supposed” to feel except what you feel. Your feelings are valid. They may feel overwhelming right now, but they are normal and they will subside. Not answering
his calls? Also valid. Saying nothing is an effective way of saying NO MORE. Read and
read and read about No Contact and other topics on this blog that speak to you.
Journal, journal, journal. Get the yucky feelings onto paper (but for you, not to share
with him).
Be patient and gentle with yourself. Breakups are hard. We do survive them.
Hi Kathy,
Thank you very much for your reply. I do appreciate it. Since I’ve been online today after a month looking at him and her being online, he just sent me a message saying he’s recieved my emails and that he needs time to reply because he is in the middle of a job change (like i’m supposed to feel pity for him that he’s struggling?!) … one email he dind’t reply to was from a month ago… and i still have access to his phone records where he and she are back and forth all the time and they are online all the time. The second email he was to reply to was sent last week. He’s just playing me….
He’s crazy to think that I am waiting here giving him time…. hell no.
When he messaged me, I just replied ‘ok’ , nothing else…. maybe if he really does reply I’ll be better healed by then and can walk away from it.
He knows what he has done, but whatever happened this time round is beyond repair.
Yeah, I hope we all survive… all the sites say that there is a better life ahead… I can’t seem to envision it now, but I’m willing to be as strong as I can.
Broken heart:
The great love of your life is not someone who “plays you” or even makes you FEEL like you’re
being played. This may seem harsh, but you are playing a game of your own if you are reading his phone records and watching his IM activity. I’ve been in your shoes and done those things. I was wrong. I caused myself a lot of pain and hurt. I was not acting from a place of integrity when I made those choices. It made the breakup harder for me. Your ex is with another woman. You have no reason at all to respond in any way to his communications. You do, however, have many reasons to completely ignore his communications and start moving on with your life without him.
Hold your head up high and worry only about how fabulous your life is going to be once you’ve properly grieved this ending. It is difficult, it not impossible, to grieve if you are
in contact.
Keep reading and processing. Journal. You will begin to envision that better life ahead
eventually.
Hi Kathy,
Thank you. Yes, I have avoided checking most communications (so that I can avoid pain caused) except I have been checking the phone record like once in 3-4 days. I just see both of them online, I have no idea what they chat on messenger etc. But anyway yeah, I guess I feel like I’m still holding on and hence I check to see what he’s upto or wonder how he’s doing etc. Thoughts of him are coming in waves especially after last night the few lines he communicated to me start a spiral of so many emotions and thoughts. I did block him and the woman last night on my messenger (I can unblock them anytime, but want to try and go 20 days without doing that atleast for starters) and I also have vowed not to log on to my other messenger at work coz when I see him online (i’m not ready to delete him yet) it just reminds me of how things were and how i’d be the one he’d log on to to use the messenger.
Feels stuck sometimes. I will start to journal.
It just hurts to be broken up with like this… shows me how much he valued me and the relationship but kept leading me to believe all his words were true, if they were I wouldn’t be in the place I am today I feel.
Anyway, thanks again. It will get better… I want to believe! :)
I was broken up with in December of 2007. The relationship lasted 8 years and he was the only person I had ever really been in love with. He was my best friend and everything I could have wanted. And even as it is now March, and I realize I have a lot more time ahead of me to grieve, I am noticing that I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. These steps for getting over a break-up don’t really address what to do when you hit this identity crisis. All the things I used to love just don’t rouse me anymore. I don’t quite know what to do. I feel like I don’t have anything interesting to say anymore and that if I managed to meet someone new, I wouldn’t ever be found interesting enough again. Since leaving college I’ve noticed how much harder it is to meet people my age…and I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. It is making moving on extremely hard to do.
Also, how does one look past the strange feeling that maybe YOU are the one that was the good riddance part of the relationship? What if it wasn’t the other person who should be feeling “too bad”? What if they’re the one sighing the big sigh of relief and not you?
Sara, you are feeling numb. That is grieving and I also didn’t love the things I loved before.
You’re right about the difficulties of meeting people after college. But there are ways. Try online groups like meetup. There is a huge group in my area that presents a lot of social opportunities. But I know also right now that you perhaps aren’t up for it. But you will be more up for it after you start feeling a little better.
And you weren’t the lesser. Everyone is special and unique and deserving of love and appreciation. People aren’t always right for one another, but that’s different from one being one-up. You may have some personal issues to work on, but who doesn’t?
Start reading through all the blogs here- there are a bunch of months to the right. See if any resonate with you. And be willing to change- your future is ahead of you with hope. This is just a short blip in your life.
I am one of those ppl who knew the relationship was over, knew he wasn’t the right one for me, and knew I should move on, but I got back together with him many many times. I was so scared of feeling the pain I felt when we broke up that I kept begging for him to take me back and we kept getting back together. I care for him deeply and I based my life around him for a year. I finally decided enough was enough and we broke up last week. now I have to move out and completely change my life – no more comfort of him holding me or going out to dinner together, sleeping in the same bed, having a partner and friend for whatever I do – and it is killing me. I’ve been crying for days. I know it’s the right thing to do – but how can u justify tossing someone out of my life completely when u both care about each other so much? I don’t want to be in a relationship with him but I deeply care about him. deeply. that’s the problem – its so hard to kick a person out of your life. and whether or not its what’s right for you, it just seems sad to leave a human being out of your life who is a genuinely good person and who has touched you so deeply.
I just broke up with my partner of 9 years today. I really love reading the information in this website. My partner was the son of alcoholic parents, was sexually abused as a child and has been a sex addict for years. I never realized that for a large part of our relationship I have been codependent/coaddict. After we separated 7 weeks ago, I started reading so much stuff about codependency/coaddiction. It’s funny how alot of what you need to do to break the pattern of coaddiction mimicks what you need to do during a breakup. It is all about taking care of yourself and luckily I have a 7 week start on my expartner. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and am ready for a new life. I am not that angry. I know I fell in love with my partner, but I have learned so much in the past few weeks about myself that it just makes it hard for me to be angry. I know I will love again and I know I will have much more to offer someone else, that will hopefully be the better person for me. My case is so extreme, I feel fortunate in some cases to know exactly what to do, because I was involved with a sex addict and I was a coaddict. I would encourage anyone to read about codependency. There are things probably anybody can relate to, take from it what helps you cope with the pain of a breakup.
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my best female friend told me today she no longer wants to see me again – beacuse she cant deal with my issues – i feel lost alone – in this world – i have no one except this site – sad arent i
My 9 year relationship ended 4 months ago and in so many ways I feel wonderful despite the pain endured at the beginning. It shredded my world when he left me, but in a way gave me my freedom.
I thought I went through every emotion and was doing well, but still a quiet love remains, and I miss him. Every day.
I have moved on mentally, physically..but still lingering is that love and I dont know what to do with that,
Melissa.
Melissa,
good to hear how you write about moving on. About feeling wonderful etc. I am curious: Do you think you actually miss HIM or is it more an idea of how you would like to see him (or yourself with him)?
My 5 year relationship ended 5,5 weeks ago (kinda mutual, but very painful, both cried etc and I was the one to initiate it, but I think it was not lack of love – on neither side – but it was just such an unhealthy and dramatic relationship full of turmoil, so it couldnt continue…..
And I now see the danger of idealizing it sometimes (well, part of me) and thinking “I miss him” to an extent that I think “why did we do this? we love each other, why cant we be together” and of course I remind myself of the reasons (and my notes that I took at the time plus my family and some friend does remind me too) and yet….its hard. Time will tell, but I am determined to stay away from him. It was really a long, long road, before I arrived at the point to say “I want this no more” and actually acted upon it. Now I have to grieve and move on.
My relationship before that ended differently, it was b/c the guy left me. I was madly in love with him. I stopped all contact for 1,5 years and when I met him again, I was still in love. We never continued the relationship but that experience has taught me that you cannot really fight your feelings. They are just there (or not).
But dont let them rule your life or even change the direction that is good for you.
I hope that makes sense for you..
What does being there for me mean, my EX GF told me that but she always had a drama going on and that seemed to be her response is “That you never there for me”
Melissa…
My 4 year relationship also ended 4 months ago…
I too, have gone through all kinds of hurt, emotions and I think I am gettitng better–but I also MISS HIM EVERYDAY!! Little things remind me of him and I find myself crying sometimes thinking that it is really over. I have to stop myself from calling or texting on a whim because it would mean nothing and make me worse. I am trying to move on and I am sure he has…. We have NC and I will never hear anything about him b/c he lives 45 min away from me and we have no “mutual” friends. That’s actualyl a blessing.
Greenroses, its true—you have to FEEL the feelings. I used to block them out and just hang on…he always came back to me and I ignored how much he hurt me. Well–this time he isn’t coming back and I am faced with the reality of the situation. I have never truly grieved him until now… It is very hard when I am alone in my house, thinking, wondering—-but lately it is easier to get past those moments. I had a bad night recently in NYC…. (he lives in the city)…I was out with my friends (first time in city since Feb.) and I actually cried in the bar!!!! I was thinking I was going to see him, or he would magically come and find me! Yikes! Its hard to go into his world and not be with him…it will get better in time!
Anyway—I have made it this far, and I know I cannot look back. It still hurts and I still have urges, but I talk to my therapist, read this site and journal a lot… I am nowhere near healed, but I am living and functioning and wanting to move on so that’s a good sign. My therapist says I need to get MAD!!! I never do–I just get sad…with al people in my life that wrong me…Working on that too:)
Sundays are hard! UGH! I keep thinking—what I don’t know can’t hurt me. I want to stay NC and get my power back. I never thought I could do it—but I am! Yay!
Greenroses are you today???
Hi jen,
thanks for asking. Have not done much, have actually stayed in bed most of the day (was also tired both physically and emotionally) but discovered the good things of last night also, the fun I had, the new people I met, there were some very intense moments, and I had danced like I hadnt in a long, long while. I felt like being rather open and spontaneous, and my energy has been “floating”. Today, headache, feeling weak and sad (b/c of crying last nite) so I decided to be gentle with myself and had breakfast in bed today. Did some reading and journaling. Originally I had wanted to do some work, too, but I guess I needed a silent day… had some moment of “I want to go back to him! Help!” but gladly it passed. Tomorrow I shall “celebrate” that it’s 2 months since I ended this for myself…hope I will have a little break in grieving this week. Or can at least continue being good to myself. New month, new luck….?!
I agree…I am hoping for a new month…new luck too!
I am having a NOTHING day as well… I also went out last night and drank and feel sad today. Its like everytime I go out I come home alone and miss him terribly. I think he is prob with someone else and not thinking of me at all. ANYWAY—- I am looking forward to the work week and getting back to a schedule. I think the weekends are much harder….
I think I am ready to possibly date. I wonder if I am just lonely and missing the attachment to someone more than him as a person…
I feel I am not at all ready to date. Of course I also miss that intimacy (emotional, physical, everything) but I am definately not ready yet. The other day, when I was in France to visit my friend, she said something that is helpful to me (I think it was unintentional), we were talking about the positives and negatives of each life situation (like being in a relationship or on your own) and she asked me whether I would not also feel a certain joy in this time “in between relationships”, to be doing what I wanted, etc, and it was so natural as she said it, it made me think “yes, this is a time in between relationships”, meaning I will find love again. I mean, I dont really doubt that normally, but the way she said it made me realize it on a “clearer” level how transient everything is, including this “grieving and not being in a relationship”. Plus, it is a blessing for a while, once the grief becomes less, as it is a special time when you can do so much that you may not be doing when in a relationship (travelling, etc). I don’t like the word “single” anyway, as I think we are all “singles” in this world. Or is there something like a “double”? Everyone is an individual, and alone, on some level. So I prefer saying “in a relationship” or “not in a relationship”. And all is transient, mostly…
I rarely respond to these message boards, but I wanted to thank you for your no-nonsense approach to the matter. I can now see all the crimes I’ve committed in my post-break up attempts toward letting go. I was angry, and with right, but I was trying to elicit emotion and regret in him, which I now recognize is worthless. You’re right. It simply doesn’t matter. This is the most helpful advice I’ve receive in the month since we’ve split and I can’t thank you enough.
I found this message board very helpful. I have been struggling for 5 months but have finally found the strength to move on and adopt the NC rule.
I am a 32 year old woman, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me about 5 months ago. I was devastated. We had a very happy relationship, very little fighting, although we did have the occasional row when we drank alcohol, normally about very small things. We share a big group of friends who we met through our mutual best friend (she set us up). We had a very busy social life with lots of parties. All these people only knew us as the couple and everyone was completely shocked that our ostensibly perfect relationship had come to an end.
We both talked about marriage and children, not in a serious planning kind of way but hypothetically and generally when referring to our future. He called me his wife and I called him my husband. We were desperately in love and we were both happy. At the end of 2007 he said to me “lets talk about getting married next year” at Christmas 2007 I said “lets talk about having children in a few years”, we discussed our future together, buying a place, getting married and having children – it was all positive, we were so in love and we were so happy.
The day after he broke up with me he told me the reasons were that I wasn’t the one, that after three years him not being sure (if he wanted to marry) meant that I wasn’t for him. He said he was younger and wanted to be single and not answer to anyone. He moved his furniture out, we had various communicaitons about various practical things.
In the first month I was so sick I threw up everything that I ate, I forced myself to eat and sleep (pills) and barely worked, I didn’t exactly stalk him but i did call a few times in tears, in agony. He was firm but kind. He never called or initiated contact – not once in 5 months. We ended up in bed a few times in the first 2 months after our break up (after functions of mutual friends), on these occasions it was physical with some conversation about our relationship and some release of anger from my side and words of kindness from his side. It wasn’t stated between us but I made a decision not to end up in bed with him again after the third time.
So the mutual friends and weekly events as well as my state of mind of continual hope that we would get back together (my inability to let go) has all led to weekly contact between us. Always initiated by me, usually 1 line emails or texts to which he responds in a very dry manner, at a party a few weeks ago as soon as I saw him I had to leave the party to cry myself to sleep the greif was too much for me (he didn’t witness me being upset but did email to ask why i left in such a hurry and why i didn’t talk to him). In my day to day I did seem to be getting better but as soon as I would see him at a function or go out with our mutual friends (particularly his sister in law) I would become teary and sad. I was beginning to bore myself sick with it all.
Last weekend I found out for the past three weeks he has been seeing a mutual friend of ours (a girl from the group). I was devastated (back to square one).
As painful as this has been it has provided me with the push I needed to MOVE ON. On the night I found out against my better judgement I sent them both mean text messages. I have had a response from him and she removed me from her facebook……
I have only just realised that he has moved on and I have not, I have now realised that I need to institute the No Contact (I really wish I had have done this from the very beginning). I have been making excuses to myself for 5 months of torture mainly related to the having to see him at mutual friend’s functions. I’ve realised though that I don’t have to attend events I know he’s going to. I also realise that for 5 months I have been putting our mutual best friend into a very bad situation by asking about him. A light has gone off in my head, I now know the ONLY way forward is to let go of the past, to never contact him again, to never ask our friend about him and to avoid running into him in group situations. I also think I have bored all my friends sufficiently with my heartbreak and from now on I will not mention his name.
I am going to see a professional who specialises in letting go of past relationships and opening up to new relationships and I CANT WAIT TO BE OVER THIS…. I want ME to be my first priority! I feel like I have taken a little step in the right direction and it will snowball from here. I have finally made a decision that I will stick to for my future.
He text me earlier this week that he is sorry and he wants to talk and I am pleased to say that my reaction has been NOT TO RESPOND!
Thank you for cementing my new resolve. For anyone reading this post please don’t leave it as long as I did to do NC, make the decision as hard as it is and throw your phone away, change your number and change your friends.
Thanks
Thank you so much for having this site available to heart-broken people…..it has made a huge difference in my life. It was really the slap in the face/reality check I needed to quit wasting my time paralyzed with the what-if’s. My boyfriend of one and half years broke up with me (for the countless time)…each time he broke up with me, the minute I was over him – he would want me back – and of course I took him…I didn’t even make it that hard for him…finally the scenerio repeated itself but this time I managed to resist his reapeated attempts to reconcile (even a marriage proposal) while we were living together. Unfortunately, I fell apart when I came home to the empty house and started to let him back in…after some time I of course started getting treated like a doormat once again, I happily accept this and excuse it all away while being confused but confident I can figure it all out and I can be this or that enough to make the situation work. This last time was different though, as I thought I was pregnant. When I told him (after a initial jerk response) he was showering me with affection – this always feels like the sun is shining on me and what was I ever worried about? He wanted me to have an abortion – something I did not feel comfortable with….I sense he was just telling me all the things I wanted to hear..so I said a few things and let him assume I was no longer pregnant – the change in him was immediate and swift…he slept with someone else that night. He could barely find the time to talk to me about it, and what he did manage to say made me end up feeling like the whole thing was somehow my fault, he has a great knack of excusing his behavior by it just being an “effect” of whatever behavior I do, like not answering his phone call right away or any other number of things.
A few days later I called to tell him the truth – I tested positive and was indeed pregnant but I had managed to become strong enough to realize that both I and the baby were more valuable than to be put through one week he wants us/the next not scenerio. He told me I was selfish and he hated me…but nonetheless would be determine to be a part of the babies life when it came. Call him upon arrival of the baby until then never talk to him again. This was a few days ago.
Through this website and other reading (I have been in counselling for a year), I have been able to let go of him and all the trash that rolls around in one mind after a break up. I have decided to firmly institute the NC rule…unfortunately, I had a miscarriage and now have a little tiny guilt in the back of my head – I do not want to tell him because part of me envisions him at least slightly messed up about this and feels vindicated in leaving him in that state as he often did to me…surely bad on a few levels. I also wonder about him believing me at all since it was already a on again/off again pregnancy – I am sure to give him evidence of my “craziness” that he firmly believes about me (I wish I had the NC rule in place earlier – before the crying and shouting, which did make me look slightly askew, lol) I feel a few different emotions and am unsure as to how to handle this situation…and if I do tell him..how? text…yikes – what a mess life can become..anybody have a broom and dustpan to help me clean this up?
I’m not a fan of these forums but I like this one for its straight up approach. My Ex broke up with me late last year and we had been together for 5 years we had a pretty tight friendship but we were pretty easygoing aswell. I guess I knew it was coming because we were at that point where we were too young to get really serious and it was important for us to find our independence (I understood that). The breakup crippled me but I was determined to get better, I cut contact ties with him over summer which helped me rebuild myself and I went about focusing on making myself Happy and healthy. He continued to email but I never replied. We ended up in the same city again in March and there has been a constant dribble of contact (arranged coffee meetings, bumping into each other, Same friends etc). I have tried to stay focused on doing whats best for me and when I felt this contact was becoming too hard I backed off as much as I could. I have found him to be really selfish in the sense that I just cant do the friends thing but he cant bear the thought of having contact completely cut. He is a really awesome guy whom everybody loves so it is difficult to hate him or cut him out. I feel like I’m at the point where I just want to move on and put him in the past and I am lucky enough to be moving to another country so I know I wont have the problem of bumping into him. But after all this time I still have this last bit of ‘healing’ i guess you could call it that i just cant get on top of. I’m having problems completely getting him out of my head because he has continued to say during the breakup and even now, that he believes we will get back together someday. He has stayed single and shows no sign of starting a new relationship, even though I know for a fact that there are alot of girls out there that would love to be with him. We are both enjoying the freedom of single life but I’m ready to open myself up to someone else but cant when I have him in the back of my head. I know it is selfish of him to say ‘maybe later’ and I should just move on but its been over 9months and it just aint happening, I almost wished he’d get a girlfriend so it can be more final but I feel like deep down I’m waiting for him to finish playing out his single life. I know this is not good for my selfrespect letting him drag me along like this. I have let him know that when I move I want to have nothing to do with him (in the nicest way possible) yet he still wants to stay in contact. Please tell me straight up how to deal with this and move on. I will have him completely out of my life in a few months but I’m scared that he wont be out of my head. I feel like I have platued and im not moving forward.
Mj,
you sound pretty clear and reflective, even resilient. I just guess that moving on has little to do with either of you seeing someone new, but more with being at ease with yourself. When you say you’d be ready to open yourself up to someone else, it may be that in a way you’d want this, but are not really ready yet, given that you are not completely over your ex (which is ok, it takes the time that it takes). Maybe he will never be “completely out of your head”, because a 5year-relationship is long and there is likely to be a strong attachment (even if just to the past). This does not mean thinking about him constantly, and I think you are doing very well by cutting the contact off, but it may still take some time to get over all of it. It does not sound as if YOU had the hope or wish to get back together again (no matter how much you think he is “awesome”) so again, you are doing well in rejecting his attempts for contact. It may be flattering that he still appears to be interested, but it’s much more key to stay committed to what you feel is best for you. And maybe not to expect too much perfection of yourself, i.e. it is ok to still think of him at times. If you feel his behaviour is selfish and does harm you in any way, I’d try and tell him this (kindly, if you wish). Do whatever you think is good for you and your self-respect. Keep going, you are already doing well! Maybe this is the best you can do under these circumstances. And, in a while you will be moving, so that is going to make things easier as well.
This site has been so helpful to me. I have just ended a 13 year relationship. I am interested especially in this part of the process because we never married but did buy a house together. I have moved out and he is remaining in the house supposedly until it is sold. We do have it on the market. I have had no contact with him other then after the initial shock that he had been carrying on an affair for awhile (he had some of her things in the house before I could even get all my stuff out, which I’m sure was done on purpose) and I sent him a text because he was out of town to tell him that he should never consider himself a man because a man would have been honest. I’m just wondering I had gotten close to his sister who is contacting me and has assured me she could careless as to what he is doing but wants to keep contact with me whether I should or not. I do not want to hear anything about what he’s doing but don’t know if I’m in contact with her if I could refrain from hearing things. I beleive she is trying to be a good friend but I am scared of how it may effect me. Would appreciate any info any of you may have regarding the above situation. Also if any of you have had to deal with the sale of house so there will be no contact with him at all. Right now I am dealing directly through the Real Estate agent but I think he is very biased when it comes to giving me info.
Any help will be appreciated.
TB
TB, sorry to hear that you are going through this rough time. You’ll find a lot of support here and ways to handle the many emotions you will face. No contact is a great start. You asked about the sister and what to do about that, it sounds like she wants to continue a relationship with you. Depending on how connected you are to her, why not talk to her about your concerns? If she is a real friend she will have an open and understanding approach and not just dismiss your concerns.
People that are healthy have a deep understanding that when there is a breakup and you request some seperation time from any association to the person you had the break up with, that you are only doing that to help yourself. They don’t take it personally. And a good friend would understand what you need and support you. The conversation could sound like, “I value you as my friend and I’m counting on you to help me and be supportive as a friend. I really need some time to step out of all connections and associations with your brother. It’s a process for me and I care very much about you as my friend, however, I need time away for a bit. I want you to know this does not mean I want to end our friendship but just a break. I will heal from this and I will be in contact with you very soon.”
It doesn’t have to be just like that but the jest of it is that you care about her and yet you have to take care of YOU first. People that really love each other as friends know that they can seperate for awhile and come back together as friends. Friends make your life easier, not harder and they understand what you need. It’s when you just abruptly end the friendship without an explanation that hurts others. If this friend is your true friend, she will let you heal at your own pace and in the way you deem best for yourself. She will stand by you and support you and be happy the day you call her back and connect again. If not, it’s just a hostage situation and not really what loving someone is about.
I hope that helps in some way?
As far as the seller of a house, you do not even have to be at the closing, you can sign all the papers ahead of time and your realtor can represent you at the closing…it’s the EASY part, being the seller. Make sure your realtor knows your wishes, (like not providing the keys until the check has cleared, etc…) and is experienced in closings that you will not be present. It’s done all the time. I had a closing that she was out of state. It really isn’t a big deal at all. There are so many ways you really don’t have to contact or talk to your ex in any negotiation unless children are involved.
Best of luck and keep reading…you’ll learn so much.
Cat, thank you so much for your reply I found it very helpful and will follow your adivce. God I have days I feel so strong and good that I finally found out what this guy was really about and am happy to be away then I am having days I can’t get him and his girlfriend out of my mind, whats she look like? do I know her? how after 13 years can he just throw me away and move her right into my place especially the house (it stopped being a home when I left as far as Im concerned). It drives me nuts. I have read all the articles and find them so inspirational and helpful and they do give me strength and then I have days like today.. I just can’t wait to be able to go on and be happy again because I do know I am worth it and he just lost the best thing he ever could find. Thank you again for all the advice..don’t know what I would do without this site.
I was friends with my ex for 3 years before we got together. Love came 2 years ago. I never expected to start having feelings for him.. But I did and it was mutual.
The first time we broke up was because I did something terrible. After 5 months he came back to me. We lasted another 8 months. Last saturday he broke up with me. He came back from a holiday with friends and the first thing he told me was that his parents were getting a divorce.. later that night he wanted to talk to me. He said I’m a very important person in his life, but he started to look at us as friends again. This was before he heard the news about his parents. I really don’t understand the hell of it..
I’ve been a bit distant to him lately but he sure wasn’t. That’s one of the reasons I really didn’t saw it coming.
I’m devastated about his parents.. and about our break up.. He and his brother are very good at blocking things out.. But I know they are confused.. and so am I.
I told him that I would like to be friends again and that I hoped I could one day.. He’s going away for some time now and I think that’s good. On the other hand I can’t bare the thought of not seeing him for a long time. It just feels like I’ve lost everything, again. But now for good.
I know I’m young and all and so is he, both seventeen.. We were each others first love.. I just can’t stop crying and I can’t stop thinking about everything we’ve been through together.. I just can’t understand how this could happen.
Thanks for posting it. I was feeling sad for several years after the breakup of a long-term relationship. She just left and never told me what happened. After reading your “Other Topics: Communications After The Breakup” section, I’m finally convinced that it really doesn’t matter.
I tried to convince myself many times and my friends have told me more than a thousand times, but I just couldn’t let go. I hope that the others can see this article and get back to their lives quicker than I.
Lost pretty much describes me right now. I am a loner and pretty have been my whole life. I met my current ex online about 3 years ago. I lived in MD her in VA. Once we met IRL we were nearly inseperable. She was in college at the time but would still come up to see me and stay with me for days on end. She had casually mentioned to me that her ex before me was 53 and that she found older women attractive. I was just like hey that’s cool no big deal. After about a year she started suggesting that I move out of my apartment with my roommate and move into a new place with her(she still lived with her parents). I was a little hesitant at first because I was 26 and she was 22. But we did it and it was wonderful as far as I could tell. Sometimes financially it was tough but we made it. She was even discussing children with me and hinting that she wanted a ring. Being lesbians there wasn’t much else we could do without going to Canada. I got it for her and she started telling people she was married when they asked. I helped her financially with school and anything else I could. We were each others’ world and that was fine by me. I never forced her to stay home with me..I even encouraged her to see her friends as much as she wanted.
Fast forward 1 year and she has finished school and landed a pretty good job. She tells me all about the great people she works with especially this one older woman around 50 who teaches a pilates class during their lunch hour. I tease her about having a crush and we laugh about it. She was always talking about how hot some older actresses are and I would tease her about those too. It was never a big deal. She convinces me that I am too good for my lowly stocking job and that I should go to college. She said she wanted to help me financially because I did so much for her. I bite the bullet and go for it. School is scary after being out of it for 10 years, but she helps me through my first 2 semesters.
Now just this past June, on our anniversay no less, she comes home from work and says she needs to talk to me. She tells me that she no longer wants to be with me. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship period. There is too many things to she needs to achieve and being in a relationship would just get in the way right now. Also her preference for older women is now a fetish so I no longer “work” for her. She says she was starting to feel resentful towards me because our relationship was preventing her from sleeping with all these post menopausal women. But she still wants to live with me and have me in her life because I have given her more love and attention then anyone, even her own family, ever has. I am the most wonderful person she has ever known and can’t imagine living with out me. She also wants to live with me because she doesnt want to get serious with anyone anytime soon and have to go through all this with someone else.
Now I know financially I could not make it on my own with a new car and school tuition. Also I don’t want to lose her either. I don’t have or want a lot of friends so this closeness I feel to her and can’t walk away from. She says she feels the same way about the closeness anyway. She also says that if she gets involved with someone and they can’t except the fact that I am in her life well thats too damn bad for them.
Fast forward to July. Things are going ok for the most part. We still have crying sessions once in awhile but I’m dealing. Then one days she says shes going to hang out with her friends for the weekend. Once shes gone I realize that she is actually staying with some much older woman. She finally tells me the truth and it gets pretty ugly between us. I tell her straight out that in order for this to work she can’t be lying to me all the time. She doesn’t have to tell me anything but dont make up stories about what she is doing. Ok that is all settled then. She tells me that she wants to be my life partner just not in a sexual way. I then ask her to leave for a few weeks so I can clear my head and adjust to my new role in her life. She thinks its a good idea so she goes to stay with her parents. After a few days Im feeling pretty good about everything. I let her know that she can come back whenever she wants.
So now we come to today. She came back after being away for 1 week and a half. She was acting tired and I could tell something was on her mind but she didnt want to say it. Finally I got her to spill it. Shes in a commited relationship with the woman she saw in July. Right now she is claiming they wont be living together because the woman lives 4 hours away. Now I am right back where I was 2 months ago. Its like she keeps lying to keep me around. I pointed out to her that she wants all the benefits of being my girlfriend without having to make any of the sacrifices. I asked her what is the line from girlfriend to friend. She says sex it what makes it different and thats all. I told her that I don’t see it that way. Sex really isn’t that big of a deal to me, it was doing all the little things together that made her my girlfriend. I told her that I’m gonna have to just go into barely there roommate mode with her for now. I am afraid that this is going to push her away but at the same time I’m pretty sure she’ll end up leaving me anyway.
Lost — You sound like you’re suffering a lot right now. It also sounds like you’ve made every effort to accommodate your girlfriend and her needs. But, as you’re saying, it doesn’t seem to be working; the two of you are getting farther apart rather than building something that works for both of you together.
I also hear you talk more about your girlfriend — what’s probably going on in her head, what she wants/needs/feels, etc., and less about yourself. She is definitely your focus, and you might consider changing that since she apparently isn’t willing to participate in a reciprocal relationship with you. I can’t see the point in sacrificing yourself for no reason and, from how you describe it, that’s what staying in any kind of relationship with her is going to bring you… What do you want and need and how are you going to rebuild your life so that you are happy?
That’s what’s most important in the long run, I believe. I wish you the best in this very difficult time…
Lost,
How come you don’t deserve to be in a loving reciprocal relationship? How come you aren’t taking care of yourself? How come this person who has moved on is still taking advantage of you?
Don’t you deserve and expect the best in life? You should!
Thank you for the responses.
Meredith I don’t know how to be happy. When she walked into my life she completely turned it upside down. I can’t even imagine being truly happy without in my life in some fashion. The thing is is that she says the same thing about me. She honestly believes that she can have this emotional relationship with me while trying to have a relationship with this other woman.
Serenity: Before her I never cared about being in a relationship. I was perfectly fine on my own. What I want to do is get back to being that way. To me love just isn’t worth it in the long run. I am trying to take care of myself. I still eat, go to school and work..you know all the usual stuff. Its like this during her time away I got used to the fact that she just wants me to be her best friend. I can deal with that no problem. But now she tells me shes in a relationship and I feel like I have lost my place again. My role has been taken away before I even got used to it.
I guess bottom line for me is I need to know my place. I function better in life if I have defined boundries and expectations. This whole blurred lines thing is causing me much anxiety and making me an emotional mess.
Lost,
You have control of defining boundaries and expectations. That is your responsibility, to keep your side of the street clean. The blurred lines don’t have to be that way, you sound like you had a strong sense of who you were before she entered your life, now that she’s exiting (and she is, just in a slow grueling keeping you on the back burner kind of way) your life, you can return to the full person you were before becoming dependent on someone to emotionally be your best friend. Set those boundaries and take control of your life and the decisions. There’s a great little easy book called, “Growing Yourself Back Up.” The main difference between being an adult and being a child is CHOICES! You get to make every decision you want to make that affects your life, isn’t that cool!
I’ve been through this type of relationship and I promise you, if you lay down the boundaries and walk away clean from this, you’ll see how little regard she has for you as a person with important feelings. I’m sure there are many reason “WHY” you don’t want to let her go, ie. money, rent, school, job, but resourceful souls will find creative safe ways to make ends meet. You can do this! You deserve better. Take care of you, it begins when you decide that you’ve had enough of the crazy makers and move toward healing.
Cat: I hear what you are saying. I know all the decisions are mine to make. She actually keeps leaving everything up to me. She keeps telling me that I need to do what is right for me. If I want her to go she will go, her preference is to stay, but she will honor any decisions I make. I started laying down some boundries/ground rules last night with her. She wants to help me through the pain, but at the same time knows that she can’t really because she is the one causing it. I do not think that she is keeping me on the back burner. She has made it clear from word go that she doesn’t want to be my “soulmate”. She is waiting for me to come around so she can have her best friend back.
I think that is what I want more than anything actually. I want to shed this needy pathetic skin so I can get back to who I was and see her as just a friend. I know its sounds really egotistical of me to say this but I am pretty sure I am/was the best thing that she ever had. I’m just basing that off of her stories about past girlfriends and what not. And also the fact that she has said this very thing to a mutual friend of ours. In a strange way that is helping me somewhat.
I am five months from my break up (April 2008) I had been living with my partner for almost two years,we had met online and once we met soon after things were quite intense.
Everything was marvelolus for a while but my depression (which I suffer from) started to come back after I left a job and I found it hard to pick myself up.
My partner at this time was the only one working and had been going through A LOT fo stress with her work.
Things worked previously when we had nothing which was Ironic and for a while while I was unemployed we got by well supporting each other.
In the end my incresing habit of becoming less finctional and the stress of my ex-partner having to bring the money in split us up.
Three months from the end of the releationship she started to emtional commit to another man and went to see him one weekend which was the death knell of our releationship.
I still can’t get a grip on things since she has lost her job and home and in a very bad place I have tried to help her as much as I can and as much as I feel I should.
The problem is I still love her deperatly even if it’s possible she is with another person I sent her a message via forum Private message system that we are both memebers of and told her I love her and only wish her the best even it isn’t with me.
However I feel emtionaly crippled and on the edge of tears most days it feels like I am in retrograde emtional.
Is there anything I can do?
have you seen a professional for your depression? are you working again? I would stay away from her and get your life together. do your grief work and move on. stay close to the blog and talk here in the check in posts. read all the posts on here. There is much to keep you busy. You can get through this
Thank you Susan
I have recently started a group conseling course which I hope will help me out with issues around these and other things. I am also putting more effort into doing things for me and even though it’s hard staying away from contact with my ex.
I am working my way down the posts too as I see there are quite a few helpful things in them.
Thanks
James
I wish we had more support groups in the UK – they are totally non-existent for things like this.
Pants!
my ex broke up with me 8 months ago, I too have depression, and it has hit me harder since the breakup, i am completely obsessed with her an her new partner.
We share a child, so I have to have contact, although for the last month this has come via e-mail.
I have to see her when she drops off my son, or collects him from me.
She started seeing a co-worker straight away, he was ‘just a friend’ who kept texting and calling her in the last months of our relationship.
I am so consumed with self pity, although I have found comfort recently in sites such as this one.
I want all the sordid details, why do i want to revisit the pain?
for the first six months of our break-up, i was in contact, i begged, pleaded, argued, manipulated, every wrong thing to do, i drove her deeper into his arms, and i hate myself for it.
I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist, yet i am so stuck after 8 months, it still hurts like it was yesterday.
I cry alot, even though i am a 42 year old policeman, i am so down, i am wallowing in self pity and cant find my way out.
i am on anti depressants, anti psychotics (as a mood stabaliser).
she knew i was depressed, and i guess i was just too much like hard work, but after 7 years together, i thought i could get her support, when it didn’t come, i was all needy, clingy, possesive etc.
So i drove her to another, now her life has taken off, they are active, always doing things, getting my son into motorsports (a hobby of the new guy).
I feel so replaced as a father, partner, best friend, lover.
I just sit here at my computer and search for answers, they are not coming.
She is so cold and hostile atm, probably because i was so needy in the past year, with and without her.
I dont know how i can continue in this pain, i need to get out of my rut.
I have two children to my first wife, they live 3000 miles from me, so i dont see them very often at all, but when i talk to them i just cry, my daughter is 20, son is 13, and it is not fair on them.
When I have my four year old, every second weekend, i just dont know what to do with him, he just watches tv, or plays. I go to a friends house when i can with him, so there are other kids around, and i can talk to my friend about my ex, i cant seem to stop talking about it. It consumes me
Martin,
my heart goes out to you…hang in there! YOU CAN DO THIS.
I have been battleing depression for 5 years, and I know how alone it can make you feel. DONT GIVE UP. PLEASE.
How long have you been on medication? It can take a while to get it right. I certainly got worse until the dose got right.
I am going through issues now and I have increased the dose to keep me functioning with some degree of perspective.
Get outside when you can.I know its hard. And exercise.( I know its harder!) but it really does help. A LOT.
When you have your 4 year old, take him outside and play with a ball. He will love it.
HANG IN THERE MARTIN.
x
I have been on various medications for about six years, only since the breakup have i seen a psychiatrist, and been on ‘better’ ones,
i am in the middle of a washout period now, before commencing yet another anti depressant.
I am seeing a psychologist as well, but i havent progressed very far there either, i am just stuck.
problem is i cant be bothered doing anything……..i feel like if she came back all would be well.
Yes, but in truth it would not fix the problem would it?
I know depression is exhausting, and you get so sick of the fight, but stick with it.
You will feel the sun again.
no it would not fix the problem, saw her today, actually starting to dislike her, she was cold, distant, aloof, and tried to rile me up a little with our sons toilet training, i cant allow him to go to bed without a nappy yet as i do not have a mattress protector for my bed, as he comes in early am from his bed. perhaps if she had given me more than two days notice i could have arranged something. that is just petty stuff i know, but, her getting angry with me is over the top……
It sounds like she is maybe feeling a bit bitter? She is probably hurting too, in her own way.
Oh, and the other guy will never replace you as a father by the way.
Just gab a matress protecter and humour her.
Play with him, love him, he will always be your boy.
typo…GRAB a matress protector :)
ps….a split garbage bag under his side of your bed works ok in the interem.
i have got a protector now,
i wish we could fast forward to the friends zone, but thats not going to happen while i still want her back.
I am so sad still about it all, and her little niggles just hurt as well
Martin,
“Studying Again” is absolutely right. That guy will never replace you as a father. Talk to your son and just spend time with him. The grass is always greener on the other side until you get there. Make time for yourself and do things for yourself. Don’t let the remarks and expressions of your ex take away from you. I know you feel stuck, but keep pushing forwards. Focus on you and your children. You and they are all that matters. It’s a long hard road and it does get better.
Thanks JHSBB, and Studying again,
I feel so lost and replaced, i know deep down he cant replace me as a father, but it do hurt so very much.
I ache for her, and all that I have lost as a result.
I am in so much pain, today is 8 months since I left the home at her request, I just cannot believe that her co-worker was chosen over me.
I guess my depression got the both of us in the end.
I do love her, I do wish she would come back, i write in here the words I cannot say to her.
I just hurt, I am searching the web for answers, but they do not come.
Thanks for the kind words
martin
Martin,
I know you are very hurt and you feel lost. You need to take one step at a time and each day as it comes. I still continue to get those days when I cannot focus on anything else, but I’m so appreciative of the good days that I do have. There still is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think of him and some days are worse than others. I still love him and he will always have a special place in my heart. He loves her and I have to move forwards despite how I feel about this. I was where you are and I never thought I would see any good. But there is. Life is too short. Don’t let it go by before you have a chance to see the good and you will, I promise. With regards to depression, we don’t choose it. It chooses us. Keep reading Susan’s site; keep a journal and make entries daily; do something special for you and enjoy your children. It will get better. There was a time I could not pick myself up. When I hit the bottom, I found this site. It does get better with time. Unfortunately, that time differs with everyone. At the end of November, it will be a full year for me. At the end of this month, it will be 10 months I wasted my thoughts on him. My thoughts should be solely with the people that do love me. Currently they need me and still I waste me thoughts on him. I regret that and always will. Focus on you and those who care about you, not those who don’t. We won’t get this time back.
Martin, why are you blaming yourself and the depression for this?
Sure depression takes its toll on a relationship, but if things were healthy between you two then surely she would have stayed and supported you ?
You have had a long time together, it will take a while to heal. Dont expect too much of yourself. Take care of yourself and do the things that feed your soul….
I feel like and act like such a victim, all full of self pity, and i just dont know how to be any different, I think I have always played the victim, so hard to be positive about anything at the moment, People keep saying it gets better, but i dont see it yet.
She has moved on so fast and completely, it has just left me shell shocked and empty.
I am reading all I can in this site and others, but I am searching for answers that aren’t there, I am asking the wrong questions…….
I blame my depression, because i became so needy and clingy with her, i repelled her with my overwhelming needs, i feel like i pushed her into the arms of another.
so i do blame myself, i am so needy, clingy, and i became possesive and jealous of this guy when he started texting her when he was just a friend.
Hi Martin,
Your ex sounds like my ex.
Hang in there.
I was going to post this yesterday, but didn’t. I wish I had. You can do this. Keep reading Susan’s articles and the posts here. We are all here to be a support for you.
But please, stop looking back to your ex. She can’t give you the support you need.
Are you ready to try something new? Seems in my experience, if you do the same thing, you get the same.
The best thing I did was re-invent myself to myself.
I could be whomever I now wanted. I gave myself permission to change, and put it into action.
So I had begged and pleaded, so I was clinging and wouldn’t let go. So I was down and miserable. But I didn’t have to continue just because I had done it before. Or said it. Or acted it. So I didn’t. I stopped dead in my tracks. And consciously chose to be the opposite.
I handed all my perceived personal power over in those old actions. And the ex became the power driven monster from hell. He was on the front foot; I was on the back foot all the time.
The ex’s power play keeps you in your place, and you keep in your place because you are a stable, consistent, reliable and good person. And because of the things you have said and done already (pleaded, etc) and taken on the ‘pursuing’ role.
Unfortunately it also makes you continue to live by that behaviour, or you might be seen as ?? Inconsistent, insincere,?? I’m not sure, but here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter.
Well – when I finally accepted how I was feeding the monster, I could starve it.
Somewhere there for me was a mix of wanting to please others, having their approval, and living by my word, that I had become dinner for the beast. And I was a mess.
So I stopped. And it was hard to do, and it was a leap of faith. But I acted it until it became real.
I stopped caring what he thought of me, even if that means i prove him right about any/all those things i was accused of ( because I cant remember them all)
I stopped caring if what I did met with his approval (it usually didn’t)
I was cold and unfeeling ( neutral actually)
I stopped offering any information.
I stopped putting myself in the way.
I withdrew, stonewalled – all those thing I would NEVER do to anyone I thought of as a friend.
BECAUSE HE WASNT.
And i had to accept that. He was not going to be in my future, because now I choose that his thinly veiled hostile offerings were not good enough FOR ME. So it didnt matter. He made his choice, and I now made mine. All in or all out. And I was out.
You don’t want all of me, you get none of me. I now don’t think you can be friends with an ex, I tried.( and tried and tried)
Run your house your way, do what you want with your son, on your time. Don’t care what she thinks, don’t bother to analyse the whys and who did whats. THEY DON’T MATTER. Not to where your new great life is going.
Give yourself time, and be patient with you. All the time you spend thinking about how great it would be if she came back ( are you sure?) is taking up the space of SOMEONE BETTER FOR YOU GETTING NOTICED BY YOU…..You have to clear a space before you can fill it….
Look forward Martin, don’t compare lives, hers probably isn’t all that, and yours is just waiting to take off. But it needs you in the drivers seat.
Sorry this is soooooo long, but you can do this.
Thanks janae,
I am sure i will get there, your post wasn’t too long at all, i can see what you are saying, i try to make myself indifferent to her, but as you say, i am in my place, and i wear the victim mentality like a shirt, it is with me everywhere i go.
Thanks for your story, and kind words, they are inspiring, i will try to do better.
Martin
I like the monster analogy, i am feeding it, she has all the power at the moment,
Also Martin,
I know how you feel, shell shocked that her world seems to have moved on so quickly, but it probably started a while ago. You cant measure. But what happened, happened, no matter who did what. Stop blaming yourself. And blaming her and him doesnt solve it either. Everyone has choices as to how they act, and what they do next. You didnt make her do anything. Choices.
Most important now is what YOU do next.
Do something each day, see someone, go to the local store. Build a new routine. Have outside interactions to give yourself something else to think about, reflect on and mullover. Rather than thinking about her, him and the whole messy business. And if your thoughts go there, practice stopping. Say stop, out loud if you need to. Use an anagram (STOP- So Think Of Positive,) and then list 5 small good things that have happened.
( For me , It has gotten to a point where the thought of my ex triggers thoughts of all the little good things that would never have happened if we were still together, automatically, and then I am already smiling, before I know I am) and they are little things-like running into a girlfriend I hadnt seen for ages, but i wouldnt have been in that spot if not for all the events in my life.
Read as well, the more you know, the better you do. Susan recommends some good books, and online searches have enlightened me as well. The BEST help I have found is here though. Some straight up tough love and clear insight into why we do what we do, and why we need to stop doing it!
Thanks Susan and bloggers!
Stay with us Martin,
And the right questions? Probably ones that focus on you.
Take care of Martin first.
Hi Martin,
I just read your reply.
You know, and I’m listening too, we worry too much what people think of us. I think that is what keeps us in our place. Worried in case we might do or say the wrong thing and jeopardise some future chance…. but there is none in this case…. so it really doesnt matter what we do next or if we offend them.
So do what is good for you. And your kids. That is your only concern.
And the most promising bit is you dont know what tomorrow holds, it really is what you can bring to it. Some will be good, some not so much.
Baby steps. Baby steps.
Stay in touch
Janae you are so right.
My GP has spent 5 years telling me to STOP labeling myself and STOP worrying about the opinions of others. I now see that doing so has been a part of my depression. I am in the process of rebuilding my life as a free being. Martin, take hold of your freedom, do some things you have always wanted to do, but have put limits on yourself. For me, that has been becomming a Personal Trainer, and going to University for 09 as a 33 yr old. But for you it may be something else entirely. When I was really sick with my depression I spent months on the couch, my body aching all over, I thought I was actually going to die…but I didnt. AND NEITHER WILL YOU MARTIN. Make yourself a priority.Nurture you.
Studying again,
thats fabulous you are off to uni. Congratulations!
Bet you didnt think you would be doing that, when you first broke up.
Yay to you. No limits. Wide open horizons.
Martin, I realised my STOP always starts with the same first good thought – my kids get to know the real me, not the person being crushed ( inhibited, censored, suffocated)by the ex….I am free to be me.
rehearse a few to get started so you have them up your sleeve, and use them when your thoughts go in the wrong direction..
Janae,
You have given me so many words of wisdom in your post. I completely feel what you’re saying about being true to your word by continuing to be the pursuer, continuing to hand your power over to the ex, feeding the beast. That is exactly me. We’ve been doing the whole “trying to be friends” thing, and I want it to continue because in my twisted thoughts that means that he will come back to me eventually. But in reality what that means is that he calls or sees me when it’s convenient for him. He sleeps with whoever he wants. And I take it. I say, “it’s okay, I still love you no matter what, blah, blah, blah.” You’re post has really given me a lot to think about. Thank you!!!!!!!
And Martin,
I have been clingy, depressed, needy, etc. too. And my ex moved on IMMEDIATELY – which actually leads me to the conclusion that it was going on before we actually broke up. But Janae is absolutely right. Just because we have acted that way in the past, does not mean that we have to continue to behave in this manner. We have the power of choice. And I too was in a seven year relationship with my ex (we didn’t have any children though). I was talking to a friend this morning who has seen me throughout my entire relationship with my ex and he was reminding me of all the times I would call him upset about something my ex did (or more often said he was going to do, but didn’t). It was not a good relationship towards the end. It was beautiful at one time, but had not been for awhile. So me wanting him back is me wanting something that has not existed for a long time. The relationship wasn’t working, period. Yes, he cheated on me. Yes, he has moved on very quickly to a new, much younger partner. But in the end it is neither his fault or mine. We wanted different things and thus what we had could not continue. Anyway, just know there are others out there like you and it’s really, really hard. I think it can be easier to obsess over your ex than do the really painful work on yourself. At least, that’s what i’m discovering. It’s been four months for me, and it still feels horrible and I still kind of half expect him to walk through the door. But the other half of me knows that’s not reality and if he did do that, everything would not magically be okay.
Sarah,
My ex left me too for a much younger person. For a long time I felt old, betrayed, hurt, lost and worst of all I hated me. While I’m still lost at times and hurt and angry, I don’t hate anyone, including him or myself. Our situations sound very similar. I like your positive outlook. At the end of this month, it will be 10 months for me. You have come a long way in four months and a lot further than where I am right now. Your comment that it was no one’s fault in the end was so intelligently put. It’s what I wish I was able to say to myself before.
JHSBB:
You wrote: “It’s what I wish I was able to say to myself before.”
And though I know you wrote it to be words of encouragement to Sarah (Sarah I too wish you well – not only can you do this, you ARE doing it!), I find myself wanting to ask you to please be gentle with yourself enough to stay in the present moment.
The past is the past…
But, today – today you are able to say this to yourself – and today is all that matters :)
Continue to be good to YOU!
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Agreed SmilingAngel. I’m reading a really wonderful book right now called “The Mindful Way Through Depression” and while it deals mainly with issues of depression generally, it really speaks to the way in which all of us handle loss, rejection, sadness, etc. Basically, it’s main tenant is that by trying to “fix” our sadness or hurt, or figure out what is it that we did wrong, we are falling deeper into the quicksand of depression. The book advocates being in the moment, being okay with sadness, feeling your feelings, but not obsessing. A lot of it also has to do with meditation. I’m only on the second chapter, and I haven’t really begun implementing the meditation techniques yet, but I do have to say that it has already helped me. When I start to feel anxious or feel the loss of my ex most exquisitely, I open the book and just read. And JHSBB, I’m sure as anyone that has read my posts on here knows, I am not “there” yet so to speak, and I have my good and bad days and moments just as all of us do. Today happens to be a good day. We are all getting through this, we ARE doing it.
SmilingAngel,
you are so right “the past is the past” and “Today is all that matters”. I have been a lot kinder to myself these last few weeks, however, I do have to work harder at staying in the present moment. You really are an angel and I’m sending a big Hug your way. Thank you.
JHSBB:
Just got your big Hug; brought a huge smile to my face – thank you so much :)
Sarah:
That sounds like a fabulous book! A friend of mine introduced me to guided imagery which is similar to meditation and it really does help me.
When I start to feel overwhelmed and can’t get outside, I’ll quietly sit for a few minutes alone and visualize my “Little” and just let her be. These days we mostly ended up playing in a beautiful garden on a swing set – very happy and nice times that help me connect to the present moment and remember to love myself – “Little”, “Big”, and all :)
My boyfriend and I of 8 months broke up 3 days ago. I had a hard time sleeping that night and cried all day the following day. Then yesterday after some more crying, something happened to me internally and I realized that I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I don’t want to pine over someone who doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I will always keep good memories of him with me and wish him well, but he’s no longer in my life and I need to move on. I called up all my friends and started planning a trip with them in the near future. That way I can have something fun to look forward to. I also am happy that I can finally save money! I mean, I have to admit, dating is a bit expensive especially when I was dating a law student who was not working. For the first time in awhile, I get to focus on ME and it’s such a liberating feeling. All the money I spend will go to me and everything I do will be for my benefit. Besides, someone told me that with every broken relationship it will only bring you closer to the one you’re supposed to be with. I don’t regret dating him and appreciated our times together, even if it was for a short amount of time, but it’s time to move on and make something of myself now. There are times when I think about him and am wondering what he’s up to and then I stop myself and think, “WHO CARES? DO YOU CARE? I SURE DON’T” He wants us to remain friends, but I really don’t see the point. Not yet anyway, maybe in 6 months. maybe even a year. maybe never. It seems very rare when exes become good friends, the most they can become are mere acquaintances. and really, what’s the point in that? I don’t need another person to make small polite talks with. especially when that person and I used to share so much more. I am still sad, but I think i’m getting to the point where I can accept it and move on.
Thanks so much for your site. It really helped to read everyone’s comments as well.
Good luck everybody! :)
Sarah,
I know and I did not mean to imply otherwise. I was amazed at your rational way of thinking and wished I had not waited so long to feel those words for myself. The truth is, maybe even if I would have heard those words sooner, they may not have had an impact on me. It’s just today they did.
SmilingAngel,
I’m smiling too!
JHSBB,
You are amazing. And I thank you for your kind words, and I feel the same way about so many amazing posts on this site. Ah, this journey – it seems interminable sometimes, but we will all be stronger and better for having gone through it.
Hugs and love to all!
I would not be where I am today without all of you! Right now, I feel extremely lucky.
I whole-heartedly agree. The love that is shared throughout this community is both humbling and awe-inspiring.
Thank you…
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
I found this site looking for answers from the pain and hurt I am causing someone. The guilt I feel from hurting this person makes me feel terrible.
I force myself not to call her though I miss her I know it just causes pain for the both of us if I keep contacting her.She said she was moving on with her life, but I know she is greiving like I am. I know it should not be about the way I feel because I am to blame I just feel terrible, and I don’t know what to do but let time past.
The crazy thing is that I can’t imagine her with another person, and I feel I will be crushed that someone else is loving her they way I had, but these are the consequenses of my acts.
The thing I take from this experience opened me up to the true person I am. I hate hurting someone, and as tough as I think I am I am still human with compassion for other human beings.
I am so sorry and I wish I could do more to erase the pain and grief I caused all of us.
1inamill.:
On your ex’s behalf, THANK YOU for going NC. As in your own words (“…I am to blame…” and “…these are the consequences of my acts”) you are NOT the *One* for her. So, PLEASE continue to let her be so YOU BOTH can heal.
And if you really do love her – as in “love is an action” – then not only will you maintain NC, but – after you have done your work on YOU – someday, without pain, you will want someone else to love her in a far better way than you ever had.
Now, this does not mean that I think you are horrible person. I think it is HONORABLE and COURAGEOUS of you to admit that YOUR behavior is why the relationship ended – rightfully so – and that you are doing your best to make AMENDS for all that YOU have done by LETTING HER GO.
So do your grief work – get support, journal, practice affirmations, and be gentle with yourself – so you can move forward in a way that allows you to have a healthy relationship with YOURSELF and someone new; one where you have nothing to feel terrible about in terms of your own behavior.
Live well,
SmilingAngel
Yes…so true I miss her though we shared a common bond for a long time. I do want the best for her. At times I wish I could change everthing and be the*one*, but I have lost her trust and my integrity is damaged. I know one day this will all subside,but right now it just feels like a long slow ride. Thanks for letting me in. I know I am on the otherside because it was my fault. Though I feel the lost of love everyday right now.
Let the sun shine in
1inamill.
1inamill,
sounds to me as if you were demonizing yourself a little bit. In my opinion, it always takes two for whatever is created (or even destroyed, apart from extreme cases). So by saying or thinking that it was just your fault, you are imagining (in my opinion) a power that you do not have, that no person has. I do not know what exactly happened in your relationship, but know that you are not on the “other side”, I think we all have made mistakes in our relationships. I myself initiated the end of my recent relationship, but it was kind of a mutual split. And we both hurt terribly, but we had both messed it up (though I guess that many things happen subconsciously, because in reality we wanted this to work out). It’s hard to say “whose fault it is” because none of us is an angel, and we all make mistakes, or let’s say sometimes it just does not work out, it’s just not meant to be, it’s not a good fit, or whatever.
My take is that you may try to be a bit more “humble” in that situation, accepting that it’s probably not all your fault (as it rarely is that way in human relationships), so accept that there are things outside of your control. It can be a relief to accept one’s own limits. And btw, good that you went NC.
1inamill, Susan says on her mp3s that sometimes the very *best* thing we can do when we screwed up is change ourselves for the better. That is what we can do to make up for the past. Contact is 99.99% of the time the wrong thing to do- Susan recommends you only do it with a therapist’s recommendation, and then it is a very rare thing. So, instead, figure out what was up with what happened and your behavior. Figure out what will make you a better, happier person who will not do the things you feel were wrong. And then change yourself into a better, more positive person and make the world a better place.
Thank you Greenroses, and Serenity…thanks to everyone on this site especially the creater Susan. I spoke to my closet friends about my thoughts and feelings, but hearing it from people outside my friends and family makes me feel just as good. I can say I am on the path to a greater awareness about relationships and myself. I have been working on my ways and actions toward people as well, I wish success in everyone’s life as long as it’s positive and compassoinate. Thanks again and bless you all. I will inspire and uplift someone when I am able and when they allow me. That’s what people have done for me.
“efforts rewards are reveiled when a person refuses to quit”
1inamill.
I hate that I got involved with the most charming 29 yo ..I am a much older married female . We had the most amazing 2 months and I fell in love..then after I did some stupid things and I kept bringing up the age differnce, he has called less, not texted..(we used to 10-15 x a day) and talk in the am and pm..not it hurts so much to not hear from him..of course I realize the whole thing was stupid of me to even get involved..there was no light at the end of the tunnel..but the pain of not communicationg…yesterday I texted him all of this mean stuff(I wished I’d seen this site forst)..of course he has not responded..I gotta just get through this…I have so much going for me .you would not believe it…but I’m devastated..
My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago after almost 4 years of relationship. He was my first boyfriend. He was the one who broke things off with me. He said he felt bad that towards the end of our relationship, he wanted to be with his friends more than he wanted to see me. He was very busy with school, and he usually has little time for anything else. But he still would rather hang out with his friends than with me. He said he felt bad thinking those thoughts, and so whenever we did went out, he said he wasn’t treating me right as a result. At the beginning, we decided to take a break from each other. But then a month or so later, we broke up for real. Everything was really initiated from his side. He said he was confuse. Part of him still love me, but he doesn’t know if we are meant to be together. He thinks maybe by seeing other people, that will determine if we are really meant to be together. He told me consider him and I broken up, but there is a good chance we will get back together in the future.
I don’t know why I can’t move on. I keep wondering to myself why I would miss someone who doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. I just miss him so much. I miss talking to him, I miss his company, etc. I know there are plenty of guys out there for me. I am a wonderful person and it is his lost. At least that’s what I keep telling myself everyday. I think he is seeing someone now, and it just pains me to know this.
I still have some contact with him. I can’t seem to let him go completely. There was a period in the last month that we talked online almost everyday and we got together too. It was like the good old times when we first started going out. But then all of a sudden, he turned distance again. All our exchanges became very cordial and short. And my pain became worse again. On a clear mind day, I told myself that I should really try the no contact rule. But then I can’t get myself to do it yet.
I am very depress right now. I can’t sleep and have lost some appetite. I think all of my friends are sick of hearing about my feelings already. Everyone keeps telling me it will take time, things will get better, and there are other men out there for me. I know I need to take care of myself first. I just joined a gym as the first step of taking care of myself. I am just still very depress about this breakup. I miss him…
But with help of my family, I think I am feeling better now…
Hey wow this site is really good. I’m liking how people leave really long comments because I always write loads!
Well here’s my story:
I went out with my now ex (first serious boyfriend) for 4 years. I’m now 20, as is he. When we first went out it was amazing. I never thought anyone would love me like he did because I was verbally bullied at school by boys and as a result experience shocking low self esteem and social anxiety. We were (still are in a way) such similar people. I really felt like I had found my soul mate. He was shy like me but I didn’t mind that because he was just like my hero.
Our major problems began roughly 2 and a half yrs after going out, when we went to different universities. I became very confident after first starting uni, but when I went to see my boyfriend (at the time) he seemed ultra ultra shy and really lacking confidence after starting uni. This will sound really selfish, but I totally freaked out and panicked that my ‘hero’ wasn’t really there anymore and ended it.
However, after a couple of months it really started to hit me how much I missed him and that maybe I had been a bit too harsh on him. We got back together (my decision!) and stayed togeher for a good year and a half more. This time round though just wasn’t the same. Things slowly started becoming increasingly boring. In short, we got in a rut. We were like an old married couple, doing each other no favours at all.
Fairly recently before we broke up again (July and then end of August), I became very critical of him. Although he has some great qualities and is a genuinely lovely person, I could only see the negatives in him such as being too quiet, a bit boring etc.
I just can’t work out whether we just drifted naturally or whether my insecurities and lack of self-esteem dragged us down and blurred my view of him. Either way I guess I feel that ultimiately we weren’t really working anymore and I definitely need professional help. I have started CBT very recently to sort out my social phobia (eating). But at the moment I just feel like a lost soul. I miss him so much I can’t put it into words. I cry all the time. I’m worried because it’s starting 2 affect my studies. I miss him with all my heart, but know it’s not going to work. What a mess lol!
Thanks for reading
Jackie, I’m impressed at how you’re taking responsibility for your side of things and getting help. I also had a switch like this with a boyfriend who I met abroad- in his home country where he took care of me. When he came to my home country, a lot of the chemistry I had for him left- I was taking care of him more than vice versa. Now I realize the issue was in me– I had some dependency issues that I needed to work on (despite having become pretty strong just going through bullying like you did, etc.). I wanted my father and mother to protect me when I was a child, and they didn’t, so I was trying to get that as an adult. Anyway, it sounds as if you really have a lot to work on personally. It’s best for both of you if you stay apart and go “NC” (no contact) for at least 4 months…You can read the postings here about it. The feelings you are having are natural feelings from leaving someone- they can be very very strong and they are both biological and mental/emotional. The best thing to do is to reach out to as many close friends that you can and bond with them at this time. Also, if you feel sad just let yourself have a lot of good cries. If you do that, you can release a lot of this sad energy and move on to a bigger and better life.
Hey there. I’ve been looking at this site for so long now. It’s been really helpful, but has still left me confused.
It’s been 3 months since my girlfriend broke things off with me. We were together for around 4 yrs. In that time, there was a lot of uncertainty from her side. For some reason, her words wouldn’t follow through on her actions. I stood by her through a lot of things, as she was quite younger than me (we got together when she was 20, i was 26)….In the 1st year, she got caught cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend, which was also her 1st love and someone she found hard to let go of. After some time, we got back together but i needed that support and committment from her to help us overcome the situation. I had thought the situation would bring us closer, but the more i expected from her, the less she was giving me. I feared her lack of committment and noticed her changes of attitude towards me. It was like either i wasn’t enough for her and saw in the way she would act that she wanted the best of both worlds. This went on for quite sometime and we eventually broke up again with her blaming the situation on me and the fact that i couldn’t let the past go. We tried again afterwards, but things never seemed to change on her side. 3 months ago, we broke up with her claiming that she wasn’t in love with me anymore, then 2 weeks later taking it back to try to get me there again. Within these 3 months, she would send me text messages at least once a week, to try to keep me around i guess. She insists that she doesn’t know what she wants and blames the relationship breakup on me ‘picking fights’ when all i was trying to do was get the best out of her. To this day she says that she is confused. In my heart, i know that this seems like a big game to her, to go out, have her fun and mess around and still have me there to come back to. So i sent her a final letter, basically stating my feelings, my story of what happened and what i needed, and in simple terms said that if she couldn’t make a committment after 4 years that it was her problem and this wasnt good enough for me and that i was leaving. Now i’m sitting here confused on whether i did the right thing or not. As much as i love the girl, i feel like i have been nothing but a doormat and a security blanket with no rules and concequences. It’s even embarrassing to talk about coz i know that it should’ve probably ended a long time ago if her actions weren’t there.
Whatever thoughts anyone can bring would be appreciated..
…..just to add to the above, the reason why i wrote the letter is coz i felt like as long as i kept the door open, she would never give me an answer. so i wrote the letter basically excepting the breakup and closing the door.
Her personality is kind of immature. She’s not the type of person to confront a situation, more so run away and avoid. She is more giving to the people that treat her badly and not give her attention. She is the type of girl that would dress kind of skanky to get attention, not realising that the attention she gets is not the kind that would be respectful. In her bad choices and decisions, she would not feel much guilt or care towards how i felt.
In saying that, she was once quite the opposite. I helped her see a lot that she was doing and she was once very loving towards that. But that didn’t last…
My boyfriend moved out at the beginning of October and we had lived together for the past year, but have been together for four years. I wanted him to move out, but not necessarily to break up. He has always been in contact with a long-term ex girlfriend, but during the last year, I believe he was faithful. I wanted a committment, something he has avoided throughout the relationship. I didn’t want to continue living together without marriage. He wouldn’t even talk about specifics, just wanted me to ‘wait’. There was no sex during the last few weeks we lived together because he refused to discuss my feelings. I believe he moved in with the ex (but I’m not sure) and now he’s made contact a few times. I still am not sure we’ve actually ‘broken up’, or whether he really does live with her (they do share children). He’s coming over tomorrow to get some things he forgot and I am not sure how to deal with seeing him again after a few weeks.
I am so happy that I came across this website.. My bf and i broke up about four months ago.. It was the worst experience of my life thus far! I felt as if i was loosing myself, my sanity and who I was.. Whenever I went out I used to cry uncontrollably, because I missed him so much…
The thing is.. I love the guy.. But when he broke up with me.. I begged for a second chance so many times.. he kept saying no.. so off and on we saw saw each other, still called each other everyday.. but my heart was breaking because he didnt want to get back with me.. eventually I told him.. Im letting go.. No Contact! Five days passed.. he called me saying how much he missed me.. Then the cycle just started again.. he would see me.. but he didnt want to get back together.. I said NC again… He called me saying he misses me.. I gave in again.. but he still didnt want tto get back.. eventually.. I called him up and told him … “Please stop being selfish and let me heal.. if you dont want me.. then leave me alone.. Suzan.. in your article you mentioned that if the persom doent want to let you go, they are holding you back, for selfish reasons! I agree…
He apparantly is respecting my wishes.. he hasnt called me in two weeks.. Im doin better.. there was a time when i thought that i would end up in a mental institution with chronic depression.. I still cry sometimes.. because I loved the guy.. when we kissed.. or touched.. I felt it all the way to my toes.. I felt safe.. I would love to fall in love again.. but im scared that it would not feel the same way it did with him..
Good luck to all the Broken Hearted Ones out there… Im still hopeful that Im goin to meet a great guy… I hope you get to fall in love too..
P.S To WC Bird.. Hun.. Your story mirrored mine. The thing is.. If he is not man enough to fight for you.. he is not man enough for you! You will get someone better.. I believe in Karma.. let the Gods work their magic.. you just work on getting better!
Welcome to the blog Caribbean Queen. Glad you are here!
Here’s the deal, I had a two year tumultous relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. We had great moments for sure but 80% of the time we fought. She broke up with me several times, cheated on me twice with someone “who didn’t matter” and finally after several days of agonizing I weighed our relationship and broke up with her. She has reconciled with her ex who she is “madly in love with” although 6 months ago she stated that she was never in love with him but did love. This happens to be the same ex she was cheating on with me. She wants to maintain a friendship with me and I told her that I am in no way comfortable with that and that I think it is madly unfair to him and that I wanted to respect their relationship. She claims that he “knows her” and trusts her completely but of course didn’t share that three weeks ago she was over my house attempting to kiss me and act like we were still together. I have cut off all contact with her but she recently found out through mutual acquantainces that I am dating again and now she is mad as hell! Like what the hell, you are with someone that you are madly in love with so why does it matter!? When I was working through the pain (which is not completely gone) and crying and upset, she wanted to come over all the time to comfort me to which I vehemently said NO! She kept reminding me that I broke up with her and then we would fight and cry and argue and I told her again that this is why we didn’t need to be friends especially since every conversation turns back to the horror of our relationship so I don’t see the point. Of course if I wanted to be back with her she would say, I am in a relationship now and I can’t do that. So basically you just want me around at whatever cost for what?!?! I told her that right now there are things that friends do that I cannot do with her because there are still feelings involved and she just doesn’t seem to hear it. I even sent her the link to this page and she claimed to understand but started calling me 2 days later. What does she want from me because I have deleted my social networking pages (myspace, facebook), changed my email and I am about to change my phone numbers. I haven’t contacted her in weeks which is USUALLY my issue but I cannot seem to not pick up the phone because I feel bad. I am to the point now where I let my answering machine pick up and I keep my cell phone in the car while I am work. Why am I not strong enough to stop this?
I have come so far and then I go to the mall and see Christmas decorations and I feel bad that this will be my first Christmas alone in 34 years, although the last few were not that “Merry”. I know that I have set backs, but then I know that I have grown too. I see couples together and they are nothing like we were. I notice a man helping his wife on with her coat, that never happened to me, or I see a husband guide his wife by the arm to help her off a curb, never happened to me either. I am starting to notice how things should be. What I had was not “normal”. I had no relationship and it has taken 6 months to start to see things clearly. I have been living in a fog for so long. I was not physically abused, I can only imagine how hard that would be to get over, because the mental abuse and lack of any kind of demonstration of love was never there, was bad enough to get over. I see the loveless, father he had and realize that npd could also be related with children in school who have detachment disorder. You know I always thought that if I loved him enough he would love me back. Wasn’t that so sad. It never happened. I know I’ll make it. And when times get tough I sit and read through all of your posts and find comfort and the strength at times to keep going. Although I am now getting lonely, I don’t miss him. Maybe it’s the holiday season getting to me. Thank you for all of your wisdom.
Dottie,
The holiday season is always a hard one for me, especially because it is cold where I am so I tend to want to stay indoors. It doesn’t help that all of my relationships have either ended in aug-sep right before holiday season starts or my personal favorite, between thanksgiving and christmas. I really don’t like Holidays much because my family used to argue and fight a lot at family gatherings during that time when I was a child so it’s not a positive time for me. It’s hard, but it sounds like you have a grip on what the real issues are (I’m getting lonely but I don’t miss him) so you will be able to push your way through this. The great part is you aren’t wasting your time anymore with someone who didn’t do all those things that you see others doing; when you are ready, if you want a relationship, someone will come along and do all those things because you know you deserve it.
Dear Jovan,
I left out that like you, my family argued a lot too. My mother especially, always had to have a major blow up, then went on as if nothing had happened. Her father was an alcololic. I also live in a cold climate and it gets dark so early, – endless nights. I tend to want to stay inside as you do. I hope I will be able to be open when someone comes along, but fear is still with me. I hope this will be the best holiday season that you have ever had. You deserve it too!
Dottie,
you may also use that (cold weather, dark early) to your advantage and go for long walks, feel the cold, feel how your body reacts to that, perhaps take a hot shower or bath afterwards, bring some extra light to your home, light a lot of candles, get new lamps, and make an effort to get out of the house every day, even if you do not *feel* like doing so. It’s good that you can already distinguish between feeling lonely and (not!) missing him! By getting out of the house and in touch with your surroundings/ nature each day (and being committed to that) you may make it easier on yourself to actually have that sort of realization (ie that it’s a good thing to not have him in your life anymore) again and again.
I broke up with a guy two weeks ago. We’d been seeing each other for a year and have been casual friends for ten years. Our relationship progressed very, very slowly, pretty much completely on his terms. We only got to sex after almost a year of seeing each other, and almost came to a point where we might’ve called it dating, or being a couple.
I was frustrated, lonely and unhappy for the most time. He was never able or willing to give me the amount of attention, time, closeness or intimacy that I wanted. We saw each other maybe once a week, maybe less – most of the time it was just like as friends, with some additional kissing and making out, and towards the end, sleeping together. I, however, fell for him more and more, and the little time we actually spent together was great. It’s the times in between that weren’t.
I genuinely thought that we were slowly but surely heading for a serious and deep relationship. I loved him. I was more patient than I’ve ever been in my life, giving him his time and space and freedom, figuring that he’ll come around in the end. I tried to break off the relationship twice, but he begged me to give him another chance and convinced me that he really wants to try and be with me and all that. So I believed him and trusted in us. Things were looking slowly more happy.
Then I realized that I cannot stay in a relationship which isn’t based on love and trust. I told it to him, and he admitted that he just doesn’t love me.
I haven’t had any contact with him for two weeks, which is a little bit hard as we completely share the same friends, being friends first ourselves. It’s helping. I was so completely heartbroken in the beginning, but now that he’s out of my sight, he’s slowly moving out of my mind too. I still find myself thinking about ways we could be together again, but less and less as I gain perspective and see how the relationship really wasn’t a healthy one, and wasn’t going anywhere.
It’s so difficult and painful to let go. Some days are good, some days are just horrible. Today he’s on my mind a lot and I cannot bear to listen to any music. I want to erase all the “if only..” -sentences from my mind. There is no “if only”. If only I could get that through to myself!
Jaqueline:
BRAVO for putting yourself first! What a healing and LOVING (as in “Love is an Action”) way to treat yourself :)
Letting go is painful and you are right about good days and bad days, but if you stick to doing your work – get support, journal, do your affirmations, absorb the healing and empowering words on this site, let how you feel and where you are in the healing process be okay (because YOU and “it” ARE OKAY) – and remember to celebrate each step you take along your healing path, you’ll find that not only will that phrase “if only” disappear from your vocabulary – you’ll find yourself being grateful for what happened because it lead to the unfolding of a life more wonderful than you ever could have imagined before your split with the bananahead.
You DESERVE a life that YOU LOVE and you are already on your way to creating it! So keep up the great work :)
Many hugs,
SmilingAngel
Way to go Jaqueline, more power to you for continuing to build your own life. I can really relate to how you feel, but eventually I start wondering why I just adored someone who didn´t adore me, why that level of attention was enough for me? Now I just focus on doing exactly what I want to do, and building a healthy sense of myself, so I won´t stay in something like that again. Why did I not think I was worth me than to be treated like that? Why not hold out for someone who adored me back? The faster you start rebuilding and concentrating on you the more likely that guy who actually does love you back will come into your life. The good thing about doing the work … hard as it is sometimes … is that it effects the whole outlook you have on life. There are things that used to scare me and make me so down or anxious … I´m sure that´s why I kept my ex in the picture, he was good at protecting me from reality in lots of ways just because he was such a dominant personality. But the more work I do the more the fears just disappear … I feel different about life now … I can handle it by myself … and I want someone who adores me … I don´t want any less now ..
Lola
And Lola, you deserve NOTHING LESS :)
Hi Susan,
I have been reading your blog for last two months. I am in great dilemma; my boyfriend of 11 years cheated on me and I am responsible behind his cheating as I was not in best of behaviors with him. He loved me unconditionally and was there for me all these years. But I on the other hand loved him completely but felt there was something missing… I always came first in this relationship and he provided everything I wanted. He is a nice man. But for some time I ignored him, called names, was irritated all the time, was angry with him no reason. When I found he cheated on me it was a weak up call for me; I begged him to stay with me and he did in the condition that he will see if I will change and if his feelings for me will come back. Since last one year I have been improving myself, I take care every needs of him now. I do everything to make him happy. He says he loves me but in different ways and doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. Our relationship has improved a lot but we are not intimate yet. I am helping him healing from the pain and hurt I had caused him. I am completely broken inside because of his rejection. I don’t know what to do anymore…keep doing what I am doing or just move on with my life (I know that I cannot live without him).
Please help me!!! I feel I am in complete dark!!!
Thanks SmilingAngel, it took me a LONG TIME to come to this realisation, that if my ex´s disdain (by the end) towards me, was enough, there was actually something a bit weird in my thinking about myself. I spent years blaming him for being such a distant weirdo … whereas I was the one who needed help for staying with a distant weirdo. It made sense that he would stay while he couldn´t be bothered changing anything, he was living with someone who loved him and did everything she could to knock herself out to please him … but not anymore … now I´ve even gotten to the point where I don´t care if this is it and I´m alone forever, beats being ignored and treated like nothing … that´s just not good for the soul … massages and chocolate and going out with friends and travelling the world doing the thing you most love … now that´s good for the soul … I´m having fun now …
Lola
Bravo Lola!
I wish you (and the rest of us too!) nothing but many more years of “massages and chocolate and going out with friends and travelling the world doing the thing you most love” :)
Many hugs,
SmilingAngel
I made it 6 whole days and then I got a call at 4 in the morning. That was the usual time for a check in call that I would get from my ex when we were together. Luckily it was my sister calling; however, when the second call came i picked it up thinking it was my sis again and it was the ex. It went coldly cordial for like 5 minutes ( I panicked) and then somehow we ended up in relationship territory and a fight ensued. I cried, she cried of course bemoaning that she still loves me and will love me till the end of time. Finally she tells me to change my numbers so that she can’t call me, then when I asked her why she couldn’t have self control she says she will change her number and swear on a bible not to call me. WHAT?!?!?! I don’t call her so I don’t understand how that would help. I just don’t understand how you could go off and be with someone else and profess your love for your ex like that?! I just couldn’t do that to someone and claim to love them when I am all broken over my ex. People make my head hurt sometimes. I make my head hurt. I want to kick myself HARD for not looking at the phone before I answered it…
So.. it has been exactly 30 days since I saw him or spoke to him… (NO CONTACT)…Is it normal to still wake up, after 4 months have since our break up, and miss him? Is it normal to think about him for at least 10 times a day? I know that Im so much better than I was before.. I dont cry anymore. I can sleep without taking meds. I go out and I have fun now.. But I feel stupid that I still miss the bastard… I dont hate him.. I wish I could..
I deactivated my FB a/c lastnite.. I saw that he wrote on his friend’s wall that he made out with a girl in a club.. when i saw it, i wanted to throw up.. my heart still broke, and I had to call up my gf.. I havent kissed anyone else since we broke up.. It bothers me a bit, that he has moved on.. I dont go on dates, when i go out, i go out for the sole purpose of having fun.. but that wall post shook me up!
I carry around a LIkE/DISLIKE list with me all the time.. to remind myself why breaking up was a good thing.. the Like list has 4 things, The dislike list has 23..
Tell me Suzan, why is it that im not 100% over this person yet.. I feel as if im a weak individual everytime i think about him.. and i ask myself.. how could you still be in love with that Acholic/Marijuana/Cocaine/E/chain smoker/no ambition guy.. as someone mentioned above “still lingering is that love and I dont know what to do with that” and i feel like kicking myself.. truth is.. Im never goin to get back with him.. Im a psychology major and i noe that I have co dependency issues, and i also know that the fact that I havent rushed into a new relationship, is a huge step up (yay me)..
I am so much better you noe.. like this no contact concept saved me.. I just wish, I could wake up one morning and not let him be the first thing on my mind..
Good luck every one! Im still fighting the good fight!
Thank you so much for commenting <3
It’s difficult to keep up “no contact” when sharing the same friends. I ran into my ex at a party during the weekend, ignored him and walked right on by. He found me later without my girlfriends and came to talk. He insisted on being friends, on having contact again, that it’s been long enough now and that our friendship is so important to him etc.
I said it takes time and things need to cool down. He had had a few drinks, so he didn’t really listen. He kept hugging me every two minutes and insisting on the friendship part. He kissed me on the cheek and then on the lips. I slapped him and told him off. He said it was an accident, then that it wasn’t. Then he seemed to agree that we should keep on having no contact for a month, and asked if we can do that (kissing) after that month. He asked me to go have a cup of coffee with him someday soon and talk about “unfinished business”. I said I don’t think it’s a good idea.
After seeing him, I’m completely messed up. I keep thinking about him nonstop again, I keep missing him although I try to tell myself he’s an idiot and NO GOOD FOR ME ANYWAYS. I feel I’m taking huge steps back and going back to the part where I remember all the good stuff and fantasize about all the possible good stuff. I miss him so bad it hurts me every moment, and am so annoyed that the good process I’ve made is taking a hit.
I have no idea how to proceed. It’s not possible to have no contact. We’re going to see each other regularly, and unfortunately in occasions where he’s going to be drunk enough to want to talk to me about these things. I know I should make an effort to normalize the situation and create somekind of a light, carefree friends -situtation, but I cannot see how that’s possible… my heart just breaks when I see him.
Jaqueline:
Hmm – the bananahead certainly showed his true colors, didn’t he? I can completely understand why you are “messed up” after this experience…
However, the only person you have any control over is YOU. The only way to ensure that you no longer find yourself in situations where you could be “messed up” again is for YOU to make DIFFERENT CHOICES about what YOU DO.
Granted I don’t know the specifics that lead you to believe that “It’s not possible to have no contact.”, but I do know that we all have choices about how we live our lives – where we live, what we do, who we do it with, etc. – and though we may not always like the choices we have before us as the healthy choices don’t always FEEL so good at first, we do have them just the same.
That said, unless there is children involved, I do believe it is possible for you to go completely No Contact (NC) if that is truly what you want to do – and believe me, YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE HEALING BENEFITS – PEACE & SANITY – NC BRINGS.
You CAN stop putting yourself in any social situation where he may get drunk and harass you by just making the CHOICE to not show up where he is and/or leave if he shows up if you’ve arrived.
And believe me, I understand that right now is a very painful and confusing time. There are lots of thoughts and feelings running around rampant and though it doesn’t FEEL great, it is all part of the breakup process. It is all perfectly normal to have thoughts and feelings that are conflicting.
However, please know this Jaqueline:
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTING FROM THE BANANAHEAD.
YOU are worthy of ALL the LOVE AND HAPPINESS the Universe has in store for you. But achieving all this is a CHOICE that takes ACTION to get there. I KNOW if you continue down your healing path, you WILL GET THERE because YOU ARE A STRONG, COURAGEOUS, and BEAUTIFUL soul who honesty deserves NOTHING LESS.
So please as you continue to move forward, think about what different choices you can make to be kind to yourself. Remember to do your work – get support, journal, affirm yourself, complete the relationship and life inventories (such great tools to help get perspective on what the reality of your relationships are/were), and do your best to make the healthiest choices for yourself in the moments you have to make them.
I know this is a tough time, but I promise you have what it takes to get through it and create a life far more wonderful than the one you are living today…
Many hugs,
SmilingAngel
You know what scares me, I fear that i may never date again. Like all of my friends are either married or engaged. Me I have to start all over… Ahhhh.. but what am i to do when im only meeting Toads and pigs… :-(
I realise that Im getting bitter as the months go by… I hate him for hurting me this much!
I wake up at odd hours and i feel sorry for myself. My liming partner is my gay cousin, who is old, jaded and bitter himself.. we drink beers, then go home.. Sad! What am i turning into?
Hello,
I am writing here again because friends and family have moved on and are not listening with any patience anymore and think I should either not talk about it or to ‘get over it – it’s been 6 weeks now’ to how i feel and to help clarify the thoughts which seem so confused by all the emotion.
It was not my choice, no warning, and life has little meaning – it is full of meaning but i have no energy to see it, nor care about it and i feel completely unsupported. – due to the negativity.
I accept that my dear ones may not know how to communicate with me at this time – so I between trying sometimes when it gets really bad and i need to connect with another I am silent and it really hurts – inside there is a constant silent scream that no-one can hear and ignores the presence of. and it is not recognised or validated by even my mother or father.
I’m doing the work, working hard and seeing a therapist.
It’s a lonely path.
So i thank you for reading in advance to my response to yesterady.
I visited a girlfriend who had a baby a few days ago, and saw the support and love for her in her husbands eyes and words towards ner (not over the top very subtle) her strength and clarity – and after the visit I completely broke down, It was intense, a feeling from the very foundation of my being, i wanted to die, calling out to God to take me away. So I called my sister and she was supportive for 5 minutes then said ‘you will be fine and had to go’ – i felt so alone. I really needed her to come and get me I could not drive (i rarely am this unfuncional) I sat with myself in the car praying for God to take me away from this whole life.
He did not. and i’m at work today with a hole inside.
and all the usual ‘wanting to call’ anxiety, pining, thoughts are there and to bring the contrary to mind to counteract the negativity (though it doesn’t feel negative more like a purging of the truth of the pain) is there.
Thank you for this oportunity to blog in a place where others understand.
Sharna
Oh, and he who ended the relationship so suddenly and without warning is probably fine, achieving, happy, moving through life.
And I don’t know if that is even real, It feels real. I know it is none of my business now and that in itself really hurts.
I feel lost and broken – no matter how hard I try nothing I do seems as though it is ‘good enough’ or ‘interesting enough’ (which is not real because others think it is) it doesn’t seem fair that i am suffering (even when i put my mind strongly on other things theres a constant underlying uncertainty and hum like an untuned piano) and he is (or may i don’t know) not.
Somehow if i knew he was upset, or unhappy or something it may make me feel better, or not i don’t know.
Something has to make me feel better, I feel speaking with him might do it – but in the past his no response has only made it worse. So I am sitting with the feeling and watching it. It’s really hard to not respond to the feeling – I’m just so tired! and i have to work for 8 hours, then go for an appointment then teach a yoga class. I really just want a hug.
thank you for reading the expression above.
Hi Sharna,
I can really feel your pain and it is hard trying to deal with life when it seems he is as happy go lucky as a lark. I mean, how can he just act as though nothing has happened?
Think of it like this, it may seem he ended things abruptly, but believe me, he had been contemplating this much longer than you realize. He just finally decided to put his plan into action.
It will take much longer for you to heal if you constantly wonder what he’s doing, how he’s feeling and what happened. You may never know the reasons why. You must not make contact with him, talking to him isn’t going to help you at all, but it will give him an ego boost, and who wants HIM to pity you?
The longer you stay away, the sooner you will heal. You will care for a long time, but the sting will subside. Continue allowing yourself to feel the feelings because without that, the healing CANNOT take place. Stay in therapy for as long as you need to. Continue working and mingling with other people. It feels strange and it’s almost like you’re in some kind of twilight zone, but in time it will pass. Focus on you and not him. He’s the last thing you need right now. He left, remember, why talk to him? Do you believe he really cares what you are going through? A man who cares will at least give you some warning that things are coming to an end BEFORE they actually leave. Cowards leave without warning because they are too immature to deal with things as adults.
Keep posting and be kind to yourself. Don’t allow him to occupy your thoughts continuously.
Ice Queen
You’re going through a break up, one of the most painful things anyone can experience.
I don’t plan to date for a while because I am bitter as well. I wouldn’t make a good choice right now because I’m vulnerable as well as bitter and that’s a horrible combination.
I have decided to not drink because it only depresses me more and I’m much more prone to anger.
Allow yourself to feel the anger, bitterness and pain. You have to go through it because if you try to go AROUND it, it will find you eventually. This is a painful process, but healing will happen if you go through the necessary steps.
I have to believe it can only get better at some point.
Take care….
“I have decided to not drink because it only depresses me more and I’m much more prone to anger” – Marie
I second that. Drinking may numb you at first and ‘take the edge off’ but afterwards it’s still there. Also, while your drinking you suddenly have this rush of emotions (anger, fear, hurt, pain, shame, guilt and on and on) and are more prone to act on those impulses. I can’t count the times I’ve had my cell phone out ready to text/call my ex while I’ve been drinking. Luckily I never did but the impulse was extremely powerful. The next day I was feeling very weak for getting to that point.
Dear Marie,
Thank you for responding.
It was difficult to read your final paragraph, my head was spinning, my throat choking up and tears coming before my mind could become involved – As your words are all true and accurate.
Phew! – hard to realise he was planning for a while and pretending for just as long without communicating at all! That’s awful to do to someone.
So untruthful, weak, deceptive. . . . i can write this, and feel it, for a moment and know it and it hurts so much (and it’s okay it has to clear through) – if my perception can switch between me not being ‘good enough’ or ‘interesting enough’ or ‘not educated enough’ or ‘whatever enough’ and perhaps change to how he did the ‘wrong thing’ and behaved as a ‘coward’ maybe I could feel my feet back on the ground – even for a moment.
You are correct about it feeding his Ego. . . . ouch – so true. . . it would be a waste of my sincere feelings & expression etc to speak with him from such a deep place inside – and then my mind throws up – well how do you know if you don’t try, something inside of him may have shifted and he is too proud to call. . . . . it is your intuition speaking call now and it will fit with what he is thinking or feeling at this moment and it will be a universeal placement.
Sigh – The mind can be the enemy or the friend.
Logically I can work it out and talk about it – emotionally its quite a different story.
Hanging in there – just.
I pray ’something’ will happen, his fear will reduce, he will realise it was not me but his indecision in his life career that was making him sad or whatever. That something will occur and he will contact me and want to ‘talk it over’.
Is God real?
Sharna
It could very well be that he was ‘afraid’ to face things and maybe somewhere down the line he ‘might’ want to discuss it with you, but you need to be prepared emotionally for that ‘possibility’. Some people don’t feel the emotions as others. Some are emotionally bankrupt and just are not even able to consider another’s feelilngs over their own.
It is the ‘hoping’ that will keep you miserable. Believe me. You need to move beyond that. Think of it like this, even if he does ‘come around’ can you really trust him anymore? If there was a reconciliation, how long before he would become ‘afraid’ again and leave? Is it fair to you to live under that cloud of uncertainty?
A good deal of your time is spent ‘trying to get inside his head’ and that isn’t healthy. The more productive thing is to get your head together and get stronger. There are so many ’sociopaths’ out there. They seem to be able to function without any care to what the world feels. They seem to drift in and out of relationships, moving on at will, causing all sorts of pain to others. Trying to reason with them is like banging your head against a wall.
I believe God is real, but he never promised we wouldn’t experience pain and part of the faith is knowing once we put our lives in HIS hands, he’ll be there for us and not simply ‘walk’ away. But I also believe he expects us to pick ourselves up and move on when we KNOW people mean us no earthly good.
It is nice to respond to others, knowing my situation isn’t the only one that’s screwed up.
You take care and start working on Sharna. Your ex is who he is and may never change–you can only change yourself.
Hi Shara,
My heart goes out to you. I am fairly new to this site but i have been reading all the posts including yours. I went through the similar situation like yours but the only difference is i am still living with my bf after the break up. Believe me it is much better and healthier just to move on with your life than living together a love less life. I was too scared to live on my own so i begged him to stay. He is aware how weak i am so he tries to walk all over me. Even though we live together the passion has gone, love is not there and I do not trust him anymore. Everyday I wish I could just walk away from him but I am afraid. We were together for 11 years and he is my first real love. He cheated on me and was sorry for what he did. The other woman is not willing to continue with him so he is heart broken and depressed. It is been 7 months since I discovered that he cheated on me. We have been trying to get back together so badly but it is not working. I am trying my best, giving everything I have to this relationship but nothing seemed like enough. We both agreed to take break for 5 months and live separately and I am scared to death that I am not sure how I will survive.
I see you as a brave girl who knows what is right. I can not give any suggestions to you but you are my inspiration. So hang in there…
wondering:
Please know that you ARE also a BRAVE soul who is capable of taking really great care of herself :)
Any time we approach something that is new and unfamiliar to us – like living on our own after an 11yr relationship ends – fear is involved, hence the phrase “the fear of the unknown”.
So please know that this fear is NORMAL and that even though you may not feel this way, YOU ARE STRONG and COURAGEOUS enough to move forward with your life without the bananahead.
Perhaps if you – with or without the help of someone you trust – made a list of all the things that make you afraid of being on your own, you can find a way to look at them objectively and as a result put new practices into place to help you through them.
That coupled with doing your healing work – getting support, journaling, affirming yourself, completing your relationship & life inventories, and remembering to celebrate who YOU are and where you are in the process – a life more joyous than the one you ever could have had with your ex will begin to take shape :)
Many hugs,
SmilingAngel
SmilingAngel.
Thank you. You are an Angel. I am already feeling better reading your post.
I am going through lots of pain. I want to believe that I will get better. I want to get better with our without him. It is hard to see that I am the only one who is trying so hard to save this relationship while he fantasizes about the OW. I know he goes deep down when the love songs comes up in the radio or MTV. He is struggling to cut of the tie with her. I know he loves her (he denies constantly).
I get anxiety attract if the text message pups up on his cell phone. I get panic if he does not pick up my phone. How can I live a life like this and still not strong enough to leave him!
I will be the happiest person in the earth the day I could walk away and say goodbye to him for the last time. I don’t know why I am so weak! Don’t know what I am scared of! But one thing is I know, I still love him to death. I don’t know how to turn off the switch of all the feelings i experience so I couldn’t feel anything for him. I blame myself for our failed relationship. This guilt is killing me. I feel like I was too selfish building my career (I went away for 3 yrs to complete my school, leaving him alone). I was too busy to help my family and unknowingly ignored him. I don’t know how to work on these guilt’s.
Because of this guilt I stayed in this relationship. I am hopeful that we might get back together one day and love each other crazily as before …very lame hope….
Sharna dont do it! We are all barracking for your team here! Dont call, dont contact. To me it seems you are rushing yourself, if you are looking to feel anything remotely resembling “happy” for a little while. You are going through a major change! Give yourself lots of care and do everything you can to be comfortable during this time, treat yourself like you would someone who was exhausted and very stressed (which you no doubt are at the moment).
Massages, fun movies, nice things for yourself that wont destroy the budget, do the things you love the most. But dont push it and expect yourself to feel better about this for a while yet! Let yourself recover! Be gentle with yourself! And stay away from the cause of the pain … ie the ex … dont even think about re-involving yourself in any kind of situation that will only prolong the pain and make you feel worse. And that is all it will do. You need time and you need nice things in your life while you are looking forward to something better … which will come faster if you detach from this guy and let things take their course naturally …
Lola
Marie, Lola, and all the other words here on this blog, and Susan’s articles it has been heart warming to feel my feet touch the floor and some clarity come thoughout the day with the responses from you both.
Sometimes the emotion simply ‘hits me’ from no-where. Suddenly I crumble and try to hold on tight. And i Hate it! hate it hate it! As i’m sure lots of you on the blog do. we are not alone.
I have received support, and advice so i thought i would ‘give something back’ during a space between the emotion.
I read yesterday that a useful tool (when you’re not too flooded to not think clearly) is to be completely aware of the emotion arising – label it as ‘pain’ or some other word and then watch it, give it respect and love for being there, and the key is not to try to interpret it through words or the ’story’ – because the thoughts then create further emotion which intensifies the pain.
emotion – label – no words – respect, allow and go with it
- it’s worked a couple of times so far. sometimes not if I haven’t caught it quickly enough – or if i’m hungry or tired or overwhelmed.
I still yearn, search, scream inside – the process of learning to not ‘beat myself up’ for trying to rush this process is continuing.
For those of us who feel deeply who are ‘real’ – respect yourself, love yourself and value your feelings as this is real! love yourself through the grief.
Don’t ignore it.
Im really working on the work with moments of resting and crying in between.
Sending you all peace and dignity and self-respect and love for yourselves.
As this is what i wish for myself and for all of you who are in pain and working through it. – Working on it!!!
with tears of hope and fear and bravery and love
Way to go Sharna. The more I read the postings of everyone here, the more it looks to me like the universe is simply trying to give people space to make a better choice in partner. It might feel grim, because most of the people who post here are very giving and very affectionate and we BOND and KEEP TRYING even when things really aren´t that great, or aren´t great like they once were.
But if it fell apart, in reality it wasn´t strong enough to go the distance, and shaking free from it and building yourself up into a stronger character who can stand loss, I think it usually leads to a better relationship. It might not be incredibly happy work, this in-between time, but it can be comforting and comfortable in a really deep way, because you are addressing and looking at things that you were usually too busy to notice. I found out LOTS about the way I deal with things, and looked at what had caused some of those behaviours. And a lot of it wasn´t pretty and had caused me to hang onto nightmare situations REALLY TIGHT! Thank god the universe decided to draw a line … I´m pretty sure this is the situation for most of us here … let it go the way it´s going to and keep moving forward, you will be stronger and feel different about a lot of things after you do the work, not just about a partner. I am glad for this time, I would never have found out a lot of things about myself if I had stayed in that awful (in retrospect) relationship. Bask in the time and opportunity you have been given, in reality it is something very special …
Lola
Hi Sharna,
Just so you noe, in 6 weeks, I was still a mess.. it has been maybe 5 months now. I still miss him, sometimes.. especailly on Friday’s like today.. But you know what, it does get a little easier as time goes by. It is indeed harder to cope with, when the breakup occurs without warning..
I identify with you.. I used to wish, that i never woke up. I used to OD on sleeping pills.. but you know what girl.. I am single, no potentails to date, and he is out making out with girls in clubs.. The thing is.. we tend to forger the bad.. I made a list of my likes and dislikes of him.. you know what.. my like list had 4 items, and my dislike 24! I carry it around in my bag to remind me when im being nostalgic.
Thanks for responding Marie.. I guess i do need my time to control my anger and bitterness..
Everyone heals at their own time.. Im a softie, so my process is taking longer.. im working on becoming an icqueen!
Thanks for this great website. I just found it yesterday and it really opened my eyes to what I need to do to move on and get over a terrible breakup with my Ex. I have made every mistake and done everything wrong this article addresses, but now I know what I have done wrong and realize what has to be done on my part to move on.
My ex-girlfriend and I had a relationship that started as I was moving out from my ex wife. My ex-girlfriend appeared out of nowhere and seemed to understand all the things that was wrong with my marriage and told me over and over how sorry she was for my failed marriage and somehow she knew exactly what was missing from my life and seemed to be the perfect woman for me. We didn’t start seeing each other seriously until after I moved out, all the while she encouraged me to try to work through things with my wife – which I did – and at the same time telling me how sorry she was for my failed marriage and the hurt I had experienced, telling me and doing all the things I felt was missing from my marriage. I really fell in love with her. She had been married three times, each marriage a very abusive one, both physically and emotionally. I did feel bad for her past, saw lots of good things in her and accepted her for who she was knowing her past may cause issues between us. I believed that if all I did was love her and treat her the way she deserved, we could overcome those issues.
The relationship was very tumultuous, she would push me away saying how guilty she felt being with a married man (however I was separated) and then pull me back telling me how much she loved me and wanted to make me happy. This frustrated and confused me and honestly made me want her even more. She would always blame bad things happening to her on the fact that she was with a married man (even though I was separated and divorce proceedings were commencing) and God was punishing her.
Finally I was on vacation with my son, we took a three day trip just the two of us and while there she sent me a text saying she was ending the relationship. I was quite hurt that she did this while I was on vacation and later found out that (at least her story) that the night before she broke up with me she was nearly raped and blamed it happening on us being together.
I told her what I thought about that, said my goodbyes and was ready to move on but then she wouldn’t leave me alone, calling, texting begging me to be her friend. I had strong feelings for her and would give in each time. I don’t know how many times I told her I couldn’t be friends and then relented and started the cycle all over again. I tried everything, being mean, being nice – nothing worked, she was relentless. One of the occasions where I had told her to leave me alone she came back to me and told me she had a serious form of cancer, and couldn’t have a relationship, of course then I felt very bad and relented again. This was the final reason she gave me that she couldn’t have a relationship with me, that she still loved me but simply didn’t have the energy to have a relationship. During all this she came over and we slept together – BIG MISTAKE. This went on for three months and was literally emotional hell. Finally, I had enough, told her to leave me alone – that day at lunch she came pounding on the door of my apartment, calling me, texting me for over an hour. I was strong and ignored everything, she tried to contact me for a week then stopped. Two weeks went by and I was feeling better.
At the beginning of the third week a mutual friend told me she had a new boyfriend and “was so in love with him”. I still had feelings for her and absolutely lost it and made the mistake of contacting her and telling her what I thought about that after what she had told me about not being able to have a relationship. The cycle started all over again, she has her new boyfriend, they met four days after she had come to my apartment pounding on my door, is so in love with him but still wants to be friends, told me they were getting married after going out for only three weeks of dating, starting the emotional roller coaster all over again for me. She still calls me, says she misses her friend, still texts me, and every time she did I answered, feeling better only for a little while then plunging back in to emotional despair, I sent her emails telling her what I thought of her then would feel bad and apologize, over and over again knowing all the while it was bad for me.
Finally I understand what I knew from the beginning, being friends with her is only delaying the inevitable and I have wasted so much emotion and energy on her instead of investing it in myself so I could get better and move on. I have to find the strength in myself not to let her get to me any more, it doesn’t matter what she is doing, it doesn’t matter what I think of her, what matters in this case is ME and only ME and moving on.
Thanks again for this wonderful article, I have it bookmarked and whenever I feel weak will read it again so I will remember to do what is right for me and not let her allow me to be her platonic doormat.
Hi Mr.B,
it’s good that you decided to move on and do what is right for you. One single thing strikes me as a little odd though: the fact that your ex has “a serious form of cancer” is being told in an almost “by-the-way” mode. What did this mean to you? I am sure that if it’s the truth (and from your story, I dont quite know whether you are suggesting it was a lie or not), then I can imagine this fact having some impact on the whole situation. I am not saying she does the “right thing”, not at all. I am just a little surprised at how “btw” you sound when giving this (crucial) information….
Greenroses,
Yes I mentioned it as a btw because that was exactly how she presented it to me, during one of the episodes when I was trying to separate myself from her, almost like a “feel sorry for me” ploy. I do have serious doubts about her illness, I say that based on other circumstances and fabrications told to me that I won’t go into details about.
Honestly, the point of my post was not to sound like I was pointing fingers or placing all the blame on her. I do know there are always two sides of the story as to what happened and why it didn’t work out.
The bottom line is, I really loved her and would have done anything for her, sick or not. I obviously was not the person she was looking for since she moved on so quickly and is engaged after only three weeks of dating this guy. I have to accept that I wasn’t the one for her as much as it hurts me but I don’t want excuses, I want the truth – just tell me straight up if I’m not right for you and let me go on my way. Don’t use cancer as an excuse real or not and turn around and get engaged three weeks later to someone else.
I do feel played with, used and manipulated and whether I was or not just the fact that I have these feelings and suspicions is a red flag. I should have been strong from the beginning and broke it off completely, no contact after she ended the relationship. Since I didn’t it has led to 3 more months of constant humiliation, pain and heartbreak for me which could have been avoided. If I would have just taken the lead and ended it once and for all, I would be well on my way by now to recovery from having my heart broken.
Mr. B,
thanks for the clarification. Re. the “I should have”’s : may I suggest you start by stopping to beat yourself up? “What if” or “I should have” are not expressions or ways of thinking that – in my experience – are likely to help you move on. It’s so easy in hindsight to say you “should” have done this or that differently, but at the time you just did not know that (or perhaps knew it intellectually but did not choose to act like that) and that’s okay. It may have been wrong, but we all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up. Be gentle with yourself, that “should” be the first step I guess.
Mr.B,
I couldn’t help but read a really unstable person is the person you were involved in. It may be a good time for you to do the Relationship Inventory and the Life Inventory that Susan has posted on this site. This is a great opportunity for you to learn about your own history so as to not repeat it in the future. And I wouldn’t wish a relationship such as the one you described on anyone.
Thanks for the responses, good advice – I will stop blaming myself for the mistakes I made. I can see how that will help me move on for sure.
BeClear, yes I have realized she is an unstable person and I attribute her abusive past as the catalyst for that. I’ve tried to analyze everything that she did that indicated such but it’s a waste of time. Why bother. And like you I would never wish what I have gone through on anyone either!
She called again yesterday, probably to tell me how happy she is now like she has done so many times, she even told me once she wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. Needless to say I was less than pleased by that and told her NO WAY. I ignored the call yesterday and have resisted the urge to call her back. A small victory for me! One step at a time.
Mr. B.
Your story is indicative of an emotionally unstable person and when you love someone, things usually happen which make no sense once we’re ‘in the clear’ so to speak. I hope you are able to remain in a non-contact role with her to remain objective since this is truly the best way to get strong. I think time will make you less vulnerable to her ‘out of the blue’ attempts to stay in your life.
I unwisely thought that my ex and I could work something out without living together after he moved out. I was so miserable at the beginning of October, but I had begun to work out again (after a huge weight gain over the last two years). I felt hurt that he just walked away without any attempts to work with me, but also stronger that I could stand my ground. I gave in to my emotions and even though I want a committment, was willing to ’settle’ for at least an ‘engagement’ status while he ‘made up his mind’ since his constant comment is that ‘I have to wait’.
Well, he’s been here each day and night, although he no longer has a key, he’s still in my life constantly. Things have not progressed at all and we’re right back where we started from, except that he doesn’t ‘technically’ live with me anymore. I suppose I’m just someone he’s dating now as opposed to the ‘girlfriend’ I used to be?
I don’t know what I was thinking. I, as you, could have been much further down the healing road had I just left things as they were, but something in me kept saying, ‘but he does really care, he just doesn’t know how to say it’.
Meanwhile, we don’t even go around his family as a couple anymore, which makes me feel even more an outsider than ever. I guess to keep family attachments would mean that he’s considering the ‘engagement’ and he won’t even commit to that?
We haven’t talked about ‘us’ in over a month because I decided I wouldn’t harp on it, supposedly giving him time to make up his mind. I think that as long as I allow things to be as they are, it will always remain as it is.
Your comment ‘platonic doormat’ was interesting. I could reamin in this limbo forever and he’d be just fine. Why can’t I just surrender to the fact that he doesn’t want a committment with me, for whatever reason. I keep thinking that I’m the one who’s being unfair because I want something that’s apparently ‘outdated’ or ‘unnecessary’. But I do want to marry the man I’ve loved for over four years, and I don’t believe that’s unreasonable.
I guess it’s time to ‘re-breakup’. Here I go again.
Good luck to you, Mr. B. and I’m glad you’re off the ‘merry-go-round’. It’s time for me to get off this ride as well.
I saw the ex lastnight… as i entered the bar… i saw his friends… i asked my girlfriend if she saw him, she said yes.. we went to the bathroom to freshen up… i looked at myself in the mirror and said ” be strong Stacy”… as i walked out our eyes met.. I walked up o him and said hi.. he rushed out hug me and his hug lingered.. i quickly stepped away as i felt that the connection was still there.. i have not seen him in over a month.. we have spoken in that same amount of time.. he tells me ” i thought that you were goin to pass me straight” I said “no why would i do that?” he tells me “it is so good to see you” i say “thanks”. I then told him, take care of your self and proceeded to walk away.. A guy we both know was hitting on me all night.. we hugged, and snuggled.. until i realised that my ex had ran off and he didnt say goodbye…
I felt like i won! I felt so proud that he felt pain to see me in the arms of another. I didnt kiss the guy, we just hugged and i made sure that i was msilin all the while! But at 6am, I woke up, wanting to cry, i felt as if i hurt him unnecessarily.. I still love him, he looked so handsome.. but i will not be nice to my ex- boyfriend! He will never know how i feel!
I hope he did cry himself to sleep..
Sorry about the spelling errors… :-(
Im having a bad day at work… I have been here since 8am, it is now 9pm…. long long long day!
Thanks so much for writing this article! I went through a lot of what you mentioned and can really relate, seems like a lot of people appreciate it too! I just had a two year relationship with a college friend and it was a struggle throughout because of our differences and habits, a lot of what he was good at, I was bad at, and vice versa, and also he liked to discuss over our problems while I was more emotionally expressive. Finally he broke up with me 5 months ago, it was frustrating on both sides, but he wanted to stay friends, I said it would be difficult and i would need time before contacting him again. However, I ended up falling in love with him deeper after we broke up and ended up chasing him for 5 months, getting rejected each time I tried to get us back together. Finally, I stopped contacting him for two weeks but he started sending me romantic text messages and I fell for it by responding back, which seemed to ruin the progress I made in letting him go because it just made me want his love again, while he doesn’t want a commitment but seems to be sending me texts out of having old feelings for me. It makes me feel mixed up and most of the days I spend not being able to concentrate on anything because of my emotions. But I’m focusing more on my work now which has been suffering a lot and hopefully get it back on track before I lose that too.
I really need to vent… I met this guy… in fact he saw me and tried to get to know me.. we started goin out and he told me that he loves me blah blah blah.. he broke his hand on Sunday.. i went to the hospital with him.. he was only calling for me to be with him. his friends told me to go home and they will pick me back up later. He had surgery and apparantly he is in alot of pain..The funny thing is I have not heard from him since the accident.. I try getting info from his friends.. and Im not getting any.. what do I do?? Should I wait until he recovers? Or should I just aacept the fact that if he really wanted to contact me he would do so? Also if his friends are feeding him crap about me and saying that i dont want to see him.. Is he believing that?
What should I do.. back off? Dont bother myself.. carry on living?
Dears, I need to come back here and pour out a little more of my heart… I was writing earlier about a breakup that seemed to go pretty well after all. It’s been nearly three months now. We stayed in NC for a month, met after six weeks to talk a little, and have been on and off contact after that.
He finds me online when he’s unhappy and needs someone to talk to. He texts me when his Christmas holiday is a mess. He keeps talking to me about his problems and worries endlessly, but not having much contact besides that. It’s his nature, he’s a pessimistic worrier and a dweller of the miserable past, and it’s my nature to be an enthusiastic, emphatic listener and prep-talk-person.
Our conversations often leave me feeling drained, much in the same way I remember feeling with him a lot of the time in our dysfunctional love-relationship-a-like. I give a lot of myself, it’s natural and feels right; he doesn’t return the energy or whatever it is, and even though I don’t believe any relationship should be about giving and receiving in equal amounts as it’s not a business transaction, he leaves me feeling drained, empy, hollow, lonely, frustrated and sad, although a lot lot less so than when we were dating.
There are moments when we talk about other things than him. He has repeatedly told me he values our relationship for how real and deep it is, and that I’m one of the only people in his life whom he doesn’t believe secretly thinks bad things about him. He’s rather paranoid really. I think he really feels that this is meaningful communication… and in a way I agree, it’s just so very one-sided.
We’ve talked a little about our ending our relationship as well. He says he wanted to get away from something, not sure what, and back to the familiar loneliness and smoking pot.
We’ve also talked about getting together to hang out. We’ve even agreed on a date a couple of times, but something always comes up and we end up not meeting. Today he’s supposed to call me up but I know he’s not going to. Half the time I feel very happy and joyful about the prospect of hanging out, other times I feel a darkness and like it’s so good not to meet, even feel like going back to NC…
…and why, well, because the stupid truth is that I do still miss him, although I don’t know if it’s him at all or just my idea of something we maybe had, maybe didn’t have…. but I miss him, sometimes painfully so, and there is a thought in the back of my mind that maybe, if we got into real-life contact, he’d see how he really feels about me and want to get back together… and that maybe I would, too.
It’s all so confusing because I know why we broke up, I know why it’s a good, great thing, I really do. I KNOW IT’S GOOD THAT WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. But I miss him, and I dream of him, and I hope for a second chance for us. Sometimes I think he feels something similar. Sometimes I’m afraid he doesn’t. Sometimes I know he doesn’t. Sometimes I just don’t know anytihng… Don’t know what to do. Do I just sit here and wait for the longing to slowly die completely?
Jaqueline,
This sounds (to me) a bit like a dysfunctional therapist/patient relationship. I had relationships like this myself; my role as the “therapist” (giver, caretaker, ego booster) felt natural to me, too, but now I know that “natural” really meant “familiar” and what was familiar to me was unhealthy, codependent behavior. It’s good to sit with your feelings and allow them to come and go, but I don’t think sitting around waiting for things to change without actively seeking change is the way to go. While you’re feeling those feelings, you can do some proactive things. Maybe start with reading Melody Beattie’s books about codependency to learn more about your role in a relationship like this. Have you done the relationship inventory? Life inventory? Of course, NC would give you some distance to reflect more objectively on things, but that advice is all over this blog, so I won’t push it any more here. It’s up to you. I hope you’ll decide to take all that caring, loving energy and lavish it upon yourself–you are first and you deserve it.
It lifts me up to know of this place. My ex broke up with me saying she needed to concentrate on her dying best friend and herself.I told her I understood and packed my things and went back home. We stayed in contact through e-maile about her and her friend until she passed away.I contacted her after the funeral to give my condolences and told her of my feelings of love for her. She still needed space. Few days later e-mail telling all the faults she saw in me, but that she was moving on and that she wished me the best. I was so stuck as to have no contact but wanted to know how she was doing during her friends grave illness.But in retrospect no contact would have been the best for when I talked to her after the funeral and got that e-mail the pain started all over again only worse because I took to heart the things she saw wrong in me. But reading these comments help to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jaqueline:
In answer to your question – “Do I just sit here and wait for the longing to slowly die completely?” – NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Sitting there, waiting for something to happen will only guarantee that you stay exactly where you are today – alone and miserable! And you, my dear Jaqueline DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! So instead, I LOVINGLY – as in “Love is an Action” – ask you to start doing your healing work…
Get support from healthy people – be it family members, friends, a therapist, a life coach, or a support group. And I can’t recommend 12-step programs enough – they are a FABULOUS place to find great people, never mind the structure and direction the 12-steps and 12-traditions provide to help live a present and ACTION filled life!
Journal every day – even if you have to roll over eyes the entire time cursing my name. Set aside just 10 minutes a day to start. Susan recently posted a thread about how to journal which has great suggestions about this process, so if you haven’t read that post, please look it up.
Affirm yourself MANY TIMES A DAY. Once again, Susan has created great tools on her other website (see link on right to GPYP) for how to do this in an effective way. And believe me affirming yourself in an ineffective way is possible, and many even put you further behind, so take a look at her stuff.
Get to work on the relationship and life inventories. They are invaluable tools to help you take the focus off the bananahead and back on to you and in way that allows you to take ACTION that is good for YOU.
Let you and your feelings be okay. Feel them, but don’t ACT on them if the end result is harmful to you in ANY WAY. Remember, you may not FEEL good or comfortable as you go through all this, but isn’t suppose to be all pleasant feeling, but I promise you there is gold in the darkness of healing your grief, more than you could ever imagine…
And celebrate EVERY STEP you take on your healing path – no matter how big or small – be it writing in your journal every day, maintaining NC, remembering to affirm yourself at least once every day, etc – because YOU and THE ACTIONS you take not only need, but DESERVE to be honored.
So please, be good to YOU. Please make a commitment to yourself to create a life for yourself, one you love more than you ever dreamed possible and then follow that commitment up with the ACTION of these healing tools Susan has shared with us here.
You can do this Jaqueline! You have the power within you to create a life you love. All that is needed today is to just take a first step. Then tomorrow take another, etc…
We are all cheering for YOU because we KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS :)
Much love,
SmilingAngel
I lost the love of my life on dec18th 2008. It has been so hard for me. Not seeing her for Christmas, and i was alone for new years for the first time in 11 years. Yeah, 11 years we were together. She left me because a lot of feelings she had for me just died out. She said she doesnt appreciate me anymore and can not love me the same. She felt like we should have been married and had children by now, she feels that maybe we were not meant to be, and if we were meant to be we would of had a family together and had been married by now. I never commited. We never married. She grew tired of waiting. This all hurts me so much because I was going to ask her to marry me on valentines day this year. I guess I’m too late now. I feel like its all my fault. I had plenty of years to do so, and i didnt for so many reasons that i can’t fully explain. I hurts to know that she is gone and that there isnt anything that i can do about it. I can’t force love if it isn’t there anymore. I’ve made my mistakes, and I have appologized to her, and shed tears on her shoulder telling her how sorry i am for hurting her. I told her that she is the love of my life, and that i had plans and goals for us this year. All she said back to me was that it’s too late, and that shes done, and she needs and wants to be left alone. I can’t think straight. All my motivation is gone. I miss her so much. I blame myself. I told her that I will always love you and be here for you, and maybe one day you can forgive me for the hurt I’ve caused. My mind lingers on a hope that one day we will be together again. It’s not easy to walk away from a relationship that lasted 11 years. I’ve heard people say that love will find a way. I’m so confused. I feel so lost. I wish I could just start all over. I’m trying to stay stong, but it’s not easy.
Thank you for your loving and wise words. I take them all to my heart and start to study and apply them. Will tell you later how it’s going, thank you a lot!
Hi Sinatra Fan
It saddened me to read your post, for you and your ex. It sounds like she was hanging on waiting for marriage and children with you and has gradually lost hope over the years.
11 years is a long time and I can understand how lost you are feeling but NOW is the time to focus on YOU and perhaps get to the bottom of your own issues and find out the reasons why you have found committment to be so difficult, especially when you were with someone who you felt to be the love of your life. You can use this grieving and healing period to start over with yourself and learn how you can become the best person you can be, then in the future you will be able to reciprocate 100% in your primary relationship. There are so many topics on this site and experiences from many who post here which can help you in your process. If you research it you will be able to find plenty of literature on committment issues. Working on issues alongside a good therapist can be or enormous benefit if it is an option for you.
Good wishes, KB
Klarity Belle:
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. You are absolutly right when you say I need to focus on myself now. The grieving and healing period is the hardest part. I want to believe that I have done enough crying. I know that it will take time to go through this breakup and probably plenty of it. I will fight the good fight as some might say. At least I’m eating again, and my appetite is coming back around. I will stay strong, and be around those that are as strong as I am.
OK, here’s a different one for you.
When I was 18, I loved a girl. She approached me, and I returned affections, but then I went away to college. I returned in 2 years, and was shocked to discover that I was _in love_ with her. But she was busy “visiting” as many men as possible, and had no interest in me. I was terrified, and went absolutely crazy. “I’ll never love again,” I felt, and moved two states away.
Sands of time, and she’s gone from my mind.
Found a (new) girlfriend, had a child with her, and raised the child with her _for 8 years._ We are very good friends, though we never, ever, (after the child,) have sex, and that hurts me very deeply; Many nights of crying myself to sleep — sex without my partner’s love (yes– the woman I am with,) just doesn’t do anything for me. (I know: I tried it once, at my partner’s recommendation, and it felt horrible.)
Years passed, and not a single thought or feeling for this girl from so way very long ago.
I make a diagram of my life at one point, and realize, “How strange, how curious, that I haven’t fallen in love ever, in the last 8 years; How can that be?”
(My partner and I love each other, but have never been under any illusions of being “in love.”)
A year passes, another year.
For some reason, the answer suddenly comes to me: “You’re still in love with the girl from 10 years ago.” I look into my heart, and I see her face. The feeling is unmistakable; Like a panic.
I write to her, after all this time. She’s married, went through a string of horrible relationships, is working much too hard right now, but can’t handle the depth of my feeling, and doesn’t ever want to me to talk with her ever again. She loves the same books, holds the same thoughts about the world, but we are not to be. “OK,” (to put it lightly.) No more messaging.
Now, I am 31 now. When I was 20, I was under the impression that “you can fall in love again,” and that if I just never thought about her again, things would take care of themselves, and everything would be fine.
But the empirical evidence (I think 10 years is a pretty good test) is in, and it says that “no, being truly in love is something real, it wasn’t put there by you, and it’s not something you can surgically remove or bury deep enough.” Further, it seems, “You only ever fall in love once, though it’s possibly perhaps maybe conceivable that it could happen again. But don’t count on it. You’re just not lucky.” I have noticed that 99% of married relationships are based in __friendship,__ not being in love. Se la vi.
So what is one to do?
A separate thing, but still on the theme of “separating,” is that I have to leave my girlfriend, the mother of my daughter. We’ve been together 8 1/2 years. She tricked me into giving her a daughter (ye olde “I went to the doctors for the depo shot,” without mentioning that she didn’t _take_ the depo shot,) but on the whole, our relationship has been good and stable. And yet: NEVER any sex, and I’m an intensely sexual and feeling person. I go through periods where I cry every night, or on porn marathons trying to “get it out of my system.” We are such very good friends, and we get along so well, we share so graciously, and yet I’m being shredded apart and feel my life dripping away from me day by day, month by month, year by year.
I am gearing up for leaving; So many have told me, “YOU NEED TO GO! You’re in this for too long!” I feel so horribly selfish, but it is a fact: I am a sexual person.
No real moral, no real lesson. But an update to the facts: 10 years appears to count for *absolutely nothing* to the heart. And: I may be requesting your help soon, for my immediate separation.
– Sexless in Seattle
David,
There was sooo much about your post that made me want to beat my head against the wall.
You don’t think it’s possible that you just closed yourself off because you didn’t do the work after being hurt by the girl the first time? And then you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy? And stay there for 8 years?
Read this blog. Read the popular posts, just pick random months from the archives and start reading … seriously. It sounds to me like you can use Susan’s no-nonsense approach.
You don’t “get over” a lost love just by not thinking about it. You don’t surgically remove it or bury it. That’s the exact wrong way to get over it. You learn from it, grow from it, use it to figure out what you need to work on for yourself. So that you don’t end up in a relationship that has a key part missing. And now, you haven’t left this relationship that you are not happy in … why, exactly?
Right. Your daughter. I’m guesssing it would be far better for her to see her parents model good self-care by being in healthy relationships that make them happy, even if they are not together.
Just thinking the idea that we only fall in love once makes me sad. And the fact that it’s not something you have any say over is … silly.
Seriously, I hope you take a look at yourself and do the work to grieve this girl that is your “only love” and then move on and get healthy.
Lavender
Hi all,
it’s been nearly a month since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. We were together only less than 3 months before he dropped the bombshell on me out of a sudden. We are both 18 and this was my first relationship ever. After a week of not seeing him over the school holidays, we finally went out for a date. He was acting all distant the whole day.
Then in the evening when he texted me as usual,I stupidly told him I was tired emotionally.But what i meant was that I was tired with him acting all distant that day. Then instead of trying to comfort me like he would usually,he said he was tired too. He didn’t even say the words ‘break up’ but it seemed to be pointing to that direction. I told him I absolutely didn’t want it at all. But he seemed to have made his decision. I was panicky and stupid back then because I acted all desperate in my messages. And yes,you could say he broke up with me by text. I tried calling him but he only told me to calm down and not waste my money on calling him. In the text I tried so hard to make him change his mind but it was so helpless.
I just could not comprehend what just happened. All the promises he made,all the things he said,all empty now.I know i’m grieving really deeply because things were going quite well and this being my first time. I know about the No-contact rule, but what if i had to see him everyday? We’re classmates! it’s been nearly a month now and now i’m on week 2 back at school already. I’m really going through a miserable cycle of emotions now even though it’s been nearly a month already since it has happened.
Now that we’re back in school it hurts even more. We’re classmates and although we don’t have all our classes together, I am still bound to see him in class. And the worse thing is having to sit through it while trying to concentrate on my studies as well. But he and his friends sit quite in front of me and so i do have a full view of him. I know i should’nt be looking at him anymore, but even if i don’t,my heart registers still registers that the person i once held so close to my heart is in the same room.
And i really can’t stand the sight of him talking to other girls just yet. I know it’s really immature of me to feel this way. But i’m really trying my best not to be bothered about it. And he doesn’t seem too. He doesn’t talk to me either and acts like he has nothing to do with me,just living his life without me.And this hurts so much. Because it is in the same place where we started our friendship and then our relationship.And yet i’m forced to go back to it everyday to face the fact that it’s gone forever. I know i’m torturing myself but i can’t stop thinking about him. And yet i have to act like i don’t care as well but it’s really killing me from the inside.
I’m really trying to get myself back on track, but i know seeing him everyday is stopping me from it. I feel so helpless. I still cry about it almost every evening i come back from school. And the urge to contact him comes back every now and then,but I know I really shouldn’t because i can almost be sure i will be more hurt by the outcome. And part of me is so frustrated because we’ve only really just started and when he feels there’s a problem and then he just gives up on us like that! 3 months is short period of time when compared to the most of your stories here, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.Before we were an item we were already texting each other really constantly so you could say that the feelings started months way before it actually happened. It’s like not getting to watch your child grow up,i guess. And it hurts just so badly.
But please, can someone tell me what i should do about my situation? I can’t really be crying and telling my friends about it anymore because i don’t want them to get sick of me. Please help. Thanks.
DAVID When I read your post yesterday It made me angry. I have been SEXLESS IN CANADA for 3yrs. My ex had some issues around SEX, only with me. He slept with other women to satisfy his needs. It destroyed me as a woman, no longer felt desirable, suffered in silence. I stayed with him hoping it would change, it didn’t. Whatever his THING was he was keeping me around, wasting my life and time. He wasn’t MAN enough to tell me he didn’t want to have sex with me he just kept stringing me along. Your partner deserves passion and you should decide what you need to do to allow everyone to have what they need. My ex would only touch me if he was drunk and then he would often call me someone elses name. This is a touchy subject with me and YOU need to do the RIGHT THING!
Debbie P, I have no idea why you’re upset with me; You do understand that it is She (my partner) who is the one who is the libidoless unfeeling one? I didn’t say this, but she’s had brief affairs several times with other men, over the years.
You do understand that She and I are fully in communication, and it’s *she* that doesn’t ever want to have sex? And you understand that it was She who **told me** to have the 1 affair I’ve had in my life?
So: Wouldn’t that make me much more like _you,_ than like your husband, and in which case: Why are you angry with _me?_
I am *never* drunk, I *never* do drugs, I do *not* smoke, I work *very hard* to make the money to pay the bills (and her credit cards, and her car payments, and, …)
I don’t understand how you can say that she “deserves passion,” when passion is exactly what I’m asking for.
I get the sense that you’re trying to make me conjure up “I love yous,” when neither of us have *ever* felt an “I love you” for the other.
Did you not miss, that She consciously (and admittedly) **tricked me** into getting her pregnant? That being in love was *never* a part of our story?
Do you believe that I can psychologically manufacture being in love with her? I can understand minting garden variety friendship, but _the sense of being in love?_
to HJoy:
Actually, I spent about 1 year grieving after my dissolution with the 1st girl (“M.”)
It was an intense process, very difficult, but there were major steps, and I finally made peace, moved 2 states away, and started a fresh new life at 20.
Between losing M and meeting the 2nd girl (“A,” who I am with today,) there was a period of 2 years.
Yes: The reason I stayed in the relationship that — in all other respects, other than sex & initial conditions, is wonderful and good — is because where I come from, you don’t abandon your daughter who you love deeply, *even if* you were tricked into having her. Leaving infants is very not cool with me.
As for minding the advice of this blog, it’s advice is very clear: Grieve, and then BURY.
That is, from the top of this page, search for the text: “BURY IT.” You will see that “burying” is *exactly* the advice that this site gives.
I did grieve. I did “process.” I did feel. Good lord knows how much I have suffered. But yes, I did grow from the process, and yes, I did grieve, and yes, I did feel, and yes, I did write, and yes, I did *bury,* which is the last step.
10 years later, and the bones come right back up. They do not decompose, they do not go away; Everything is perfectly and exactly how it was.
Yes, I *do* find the idea of only falling in love once “sad.” It *would* explain why the majority of our marriages are _friendship_ marriages. (Do a google search on “what makes a successful marriage?”, and 99% of the responses say, “A GOOD FRIENDSHIP!” Hardly anyone says “being in love.”)
And it’s _not_ silly that we don’t have anything to say over who we fall in love with; It’s just a fact. It’s an unfortunate fact. But deep feelings appear in our hearts automatically. They cannot be synthesized or manufactured.
If this breaks your concept of the integrity of the universe, then that’s too bad. You’d like a world where “everything works out,” and all things are accounted for, but I just don’t see how it can be. If I could make myself fall in love, that’d be great. But I’ve never experienced that, and I’ve never even heard of people being able to do that.
Perhaps women have a magical ability to engineer feelings of being in love; I don’t talk with many women about the subject. But I’ve talked with many men, and none of them, whom I have talked with, have ever been able to do it. I mean, if you’re doing something, then you clearly know that you’re doing it, right? It is so fake and artificial. It’s not being in love; It’s crafting a theatre show. Perhaps women by history are just more comfortable with theatre.
DAVID I stand corrected and will apologize, I misunderstood your post, I thought you didn’t want to touch her, I am sorry, it is a painful experience, I now realize YOU were in the same boat as me. When I read it I saw RED, this is a very painful subject with me as well and it will take time to recover my sexuality if I ever do. I definately don’t expect you to conjure up any I LOVE YOU’S, no one should say that unless they mean it, so easy to say, meaning it is another thing. So I am deeply sorry for the mistake and I feel your pain as I lived it for 3yrs and that was long enough, your 8yrs in and I sympathize with your pain, once again, SORRY!
Thanks; I understand. I’ve mis-read things many times before.
And, I mis-typed: I *do* love “A” (the woman I’ve been with for 8 years,) I love her very deeply. (And I tell her so.)
It’s just never grown and developed into an “I’m *in* love with you.” I keep hoping and praying and wishing that it would, but it hasn’t; There are qualitative differences.
David,
The integrity of my universe is dependent on what I believe, not what others believe. So, have no fear that your post destroyed anything.
I’m not sure why you are here if you believe you can’t move beyond your past. That’s the name of the blog: Getting Past Your Past. If you think you moved past it, then it just came up perfectly the same 10 years later and that’s just the way it is … there’s not much here for you.
I think maybe you think you grieved because you were sad for a year, but you didn’t really do the work. You didn’t really try to figure out what you’re getting out of holding onto love that isn’t returned, what attracted you to a girl who was not only not loving or caring about you, but was busy “visiting” with all the men she could.
That’s what doing the work would result in. You are the kind of guy that so many women in this community are struggling to get over: emotionally damaged, aware of it, but not doing any real work to get over it because it’s so much easier to just say “that’s how life is.”
If you truly believe that this woman who doesn’t love you, who never really loved you, who has rejected you repeatedly is IT for you, your one love …. then why are you here?
Seriously, read the blog (and not just to find support for your theories…. the bury it above was in response to that often immediate response to a breakup that says “I can be friends with my ex” because that just leads to more hurt. It’s not a general guideline for pain) and figure out what you need to do.
I hope you find what you need.
If you’d talked with me 5 years ago, and reminded me about “M,” I’d say, “Oh, that’s long over with,” and I’d continue doing whatever I’m doing, and we’d go on to other subjects.
Your evaluation of me would have been, “Oh, he did the work of grieving,” especially if you’d talked with me, and asked me about what it was like, what I did, what I felt, how it played out. “He did the work.”
Now I feel like, because I found the theory in error, — that if you’re in love, that it _doesn’t_ just go away — in light of 10 years evidence; I think that you’re concluding “he must have did it wrong.” What I’m saying is that I think you’re dismissing my testimony, because it doesn’t match the theory.
I’m here because I’m part of the human project, the human experience, and a big part of that is the experience of love and loss, and further, what it is to be in love. I’m hoping that the addition of this perspective, of “my experience, 10 years later,” can add to our lives.
From what I can tell, every person’s one love — it’s rarely a requited thing. I have met two people in the world, in my entire life, who experienced requited being-in-love.
Maybe people can fall in love more than once; I don’t know. I haven’t seen it, though I have heard of it.
The “bury it” advice on this site goes deeper than just “immediate response to a breakup.” I think it’s actually burying. If the bones decompose and become part of the Earth, I’d say, “okay, that’s a crush, or ordinary loving.” It’s a beautiful thing.
But I found that, while that happened with most every relationship with women I’ve had, that for M: that despite the depths of digging and careful placement, and then mounds of dirt — that she’s just as alive as ever. “This is crazy!, this doesn’t make any sense!” And yet it is.
My theory, which is newly formed, is that you never get over being in love. You can bury, but it doesn’t really ever go away. Crushes will fall and heal with time, but some things are just larger than life.
I visited my aunt in Florida, who’s 70 years old, and we talked about love. I related (what I have said above here,) and she told me her own story, of her own “in love;” She was 16, he lived in North Carolina. She said, “You always, forever, have a soft spot in your heart for that one person.” As she spoke, I saw her as 16 again, and everything was fresh again.
It seems that every older person whom I can talk with at this sort of level, has had an experience like this; How can that be?
It is painful to think that the world may be like this, but I see how my love for M has developed me as a person, and makes me more whole, even though the love is unrequited.
So, this is my witness and testimony. We may be at an impasse, and so be it. But you might be glad to read this, 10 years down the line, and not feel so alone.
Take care.
I feel so silly, posting the story of my relationship here time and again. I don’t know what else to do. It’s comforting to know there are people going through something similar. Maybe my story can also comfort someone, at some point in time.
So… it’s three months since the break-up. We’ve started talking again. Saw each other briefly before Christmas. Missed him horribly during the holidays. Started talking a lot over the net again. First I felt he was just piling his misery on me, but someone here said something about co-dependency and I realised that it’s also my fault, for slipping so easily into a role where I just listen and listen and ignore myself.
So I did the other thing: brought some fun, playful, bubbly, flirtatious elements into our talks. Made him smile more, too, and we met a couple of times over lunch or coffee. It was very nice. The talks on the net became more light and fun.
Yesterday morning he’d left a message for me. He’d had a difficult, scary experience. Asked me to come over, please. I did. He talked for some hours about his experience: I listened, not much else was needed. It was the closest we’ve been to each other since the break-up, mentally, emotionally, physically. It felt so incredibly natural and normal to be there, sitting next to him in his flat, talking slowly about the big things that affect us deeply.
He didn’t want me to go. He didn’t say it but I knew it; I didn’t want to go, either, but was afraid that my intuition was wrong. I put him to sleep, caressing his arms until he fell asleep. Stayed there watching his face.
Then I went home. My heart was breaking, bursting, exploding with feeling. Such a jumble of killer longing and an unfathomable love that is just too big to handle.
At home, I checked my messenger status. He was online, awake. We stepped around the subject a little, akwardly, then he asked me to come back, said he’ll pay for a cab, just come, can’t sleep alone, please come.
We discussed it a little. That it’s weird. If it’s appropriate. Do we care about appropriate? No. So I went. We talked a bit, in the darkness of the room, about us; just a little, I don’t feel strong enough to go into it – I’m afraid to hear him say “I just want to be friends, I don’t love you like that anymore”. We stayed awake, restless, uncomfortable, until somehow together we broke the rule of no physical contact and crawled into each other’s arms and fell asleep. Woke up many times in the night, held hands, slept again.
I left before he woke up. I love him so completely that it’s bigger to me than the longing for him and the pain it’s causing me. I feel like I DON’T CARE IF I DIE IN THIS LOVE, and I know I should care… but I love him in a way I never thought possible, like a lover and a sister and a mother and a friend, all at the same time. I am so confused. There is no sense in anything.
What David here says… about love just STAYING in you… I believe that can be true. A lot of people touch us, intimately even. But sometimes you come together with someone who stays with you, in your heart, alive, forever. I also find it painful to think the world may be like this. Wouldn’t it be so much better to just forget, like we forget all other things? To let memories be memories, and not a living being in the heart?
I want to cry. Cannot.
1. You do get over being in love. If you don’t it’s because you’re choosing not to.
2. If you can’t fully discuss your feelings with someone you love because you are afraid they won’t love you back or say “I just want to be friends” then you are settling for less.
I have exes whom I can think about and smile and think he was a special part of me but that doesn’t give me license for foolish behavior where he is concerned. I can have a feeling…as many as I like…but it only matters what I DO with that feeling.
I loved some of my exes very deeply and still enjoy thinking about them now and again but it’s not worth a plugged nickel in the general scheme of things. It’s the same daydream-y type stuff that goes on about many other things in life. You can have it…but so what? Even if “I can be in love with this person who doesn’t love me” means something (which it doesn’t really), what does it GET you? Nothing really.
If you want to believe that loving someone who doesn’t love you somehow makes you a better person or a more loving person or whatever, so be it…but in my book it’s hard to see how that is possible and even if it is…so what?
I want a guy who will run to ME, not have me dancing around like a puppet on a string. Come here. Go away.
If you allow yourself to be treated like that IN THE NAME OF LOVE then you are rationalizing your mistreatment. “But I love him….” Really? So what? He’s treating you like crap. Yes, CRAP. Come here. Go home. Come back. Sleep with me without commitment. CRAP TREATMENT. And totally selfish on his part. That is not love. Not even close.
If you’re saying “I don’t care if I die in this love” then that is addiction and codependency speaking. That is NOT LOVE. It’s over the top dramatic hooey. It is NOT LOVE.
There are many people in this world who want to paint unrequited love and mistreatment as their cross to bear because they are romantic love struck sensitive souls. I know. I was once one of them. And today I know that is complete nonsense with a wholesale value of zero.
If you are choosing to act in self-destructive ways, that is fine. Just don’t paint it as an all consuming, cannot be shaken, “love” that is bigger than both of us. Or paint it that way, write it down and send it to Harlequin. They’ll be buying it.
Love is an action. Love is what you do. All the fluttery chest thumping feelings in the world may masquerade as love, but that’s not it. It’s what you do and how you are treated and that someone loves you BACK. Unrequited love is not love at all. It’s martyrdom. If you want to love someone who doesn’t love you, that is a choice you are making. To have feelings for someone who doesn’t have the same feelings about you. It’s victimhood parading around as “a love too big to let go.” It’s not love because real love starts with self love. And self love demands requited love. So it’s not love at all. It’s something else. Don’t call it love.
Love is an action that is mutual and consistent. That is love. To honor and defend anything else is to rationalize settling for less.
Love is an action.
PERIOD.
And the ultimate price you pay for this non-loving, traumatic relationship … is not meeting a real guy who can offer you a real partnership. Are you willing to pay that price? For how long? Why don’t you deserve a real relationship? This tragic ‘I’m stuck in this forever, painful as it may be’ could keep you stuck in this non-life for a long time … is that what you really want?
Lola
Susan, first, I want to thank you for the very important work you do here — helping people grieve, and bury, and get out of the mess every single person eventually finds themselves in.
I agree with you when you say that your exes are a special part of you, and I agree with you when you say that this doesn’t give you license for foolish behavior.
I also agree with your focus on action: “How does this translate into action?” And I further agree that it is important to ask, “How does this bless me?”
Unfortunately, (and I say “unfortunately,” because my life would be simpler if I could agree with you,) I have found that many of my own traits and characteristics imprinted on to me from the woman I fell in love with, and I can point to how they have turned into action and blessings. I can even point to characteristics in my own daughter, that she has inherited from me, that I have inherited from the woman I fell in love with. (..!)
More importantly, having experienced what it is to fall in love, I know that there is something more in the human spirit, than love as commodity. “Oh, falling in love didn’t work out? Don’t you know that people are replaceable components?” The human heart runs deeper than that, and we only scam ourselves if we try to convince ourselves that we are so shallow. There are people who genuinely do not understand this; I count myself lucky to be in the few who do.
If someone says to me, “I love you with all of my heart,” and then the next day says, “If things don’t work out, I’ll just find someone else to fit my needs,” I know something of how their heart manifests in terms of action, and I know that their affections are hollow. This can be friendship, but it is not “being in love.” This is a negotiated and equitable division of duties and benefits, ins and outs, accounts payable and accounts receivable; It is not the relationship of total mutual giving, the giving of the heart to the other.
(People may say, “That only happens in Hollywood,” — but that begs the question: *why* does it happen in Hollywood? How is it that people can relate to it?)
As for myself, I wait for what life may bring: the woman I am in love with (ultra-extremely unlikely,) or “falling out of love” (conceivable,) or a fresh love (plausible,) however Cupid sees fit to work. My belief is that love (and I speak of “being in love,”) respects no rules – a person may find true love at 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, or even 90.
What I know is that being in love is (A) nothing like friendship, or “friends with benefits,” or “deep friendship,” like the vast majority of marriages, and (B) that it is not something that can be synthesized or engineered or otherwise mentally written into existence.
I’m not convinced that taking the good from a relationship is the same as being perpetually in love. I have many sayings, expressions, habits etc that I’ve gotten from exes. I have books and CDs that they turned me onto. Even my kids have certain influences from past relationships. I don’t think that “carrying with you” equates into being forever in love.
I truly believe that “the one” loves you back and keeps loving you back.
And I believe that for some people there is only one person who really fits. Who gets it. But that person stays and loves you.
Love is a two way street and when it stops being a two way street, it stops being love. It’s “something else.”
Susan,
I have known for a long time that my ex didn’t love me back or keep loving me back. And you are right when love stops being a two way street that it’s something else. My problem is that my mind like I think the majority of minds are wired, is that we turn negatives into positives. It’s like the coach who never says “Don’t drop the ball.” he know that the mind of the player will turn the statement into a positive, which is, “Drop the ball.” However the coach tells the player to, “Hang on to the ball.” Which is a positive. Don’t you think that we try to turn things into positives, even a bad relationship? I guess what I’m trying to find here is a reason for being so “dumb” for so long!!!
I was dumb for so long because I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I was dumb later on because I was willfully choosing not to know. The more I knew, the less dumb I got.
If your firm and true belief tells you that a stranger *must* be misunderstanding the clear nature of his own heart, should his love be unrequited, then I am afraid we are at an impasse.
Truthfully, your “true belief” appears like so much wishful thinking and sophistry to me. When we are at the family party, I’ll overhear you say, “they were never really in love.” And then when they reunite, I’ll hear you announce, “True love always triumphs!”
I’ll smile politely with my friends.
The deep faith I hold in common with you, is that everything is for good. But it remains a mystery to me how my unchosen and unrequited affection works out in the service of life.
I listen and wait.
I would never announce either of those things at a family party and to suggest as such says you do not know me either.
Truth be told it’s more upsetting to me when women idealize love in this manner than when a man does. It keeps women, too many women, stuck for too long. So I typically weigh in on that Harlequin schmaltzy stuff because it keeps a lot of women captive in their own imaginations of some grand illusion of “love” and tethered to some guy who has either mistreated them or could care less about them. I find that sometimes the schmaltz is a cultural thing and a result of complete and utter horsecrap women are fed about “love” and “romance.” This “I hold him in my heart…” stuff gets them stuck and they stay stuck. Confusing obsession with love. Inability to move on with love. Afraid to go forward with love. I don’t like to see women get stuck like that.
However, if you want to do it, have at it.
Susan,
I’m so glad you weighed in on this thread. I had been responding to David and I felt like I was chasing him away. And I certainly don’t want to do that. There’s so much wisdom on this blog and it’s all amazing stuff if you do the work and really understand it.
But I believe what I wrote and it was a relief to me to see you echo it … especially that you do get over love.
Thank you for this blog. It really is great stuff if you’re ready to hear it.
I think the closer you are to the situation, the more you perceive it as “love”. If you can distance yourself, it becomes something else.
The hardest part is making the decision to stop obsessing.
Struggling today, went to an Al-Anon meeting today with an old friend I haven’t seen for sometime. It was an alright day, and then WHAMMO, instant depression on the way home, crying WHY? In many replies I have been told to be honest with myself, OK, so what stirred this melancholy, is it the ex and the loss of the relationship, am I having a pity party, should I be over grieving HIM? I think it’s more of my old ways creeping in on me, I really don’t like myself and never have, sad, I try to feel different about myself but it is surreal, I have a really hard time with my character defects, and the ex reinforced all of them, as so other significent persons in my life did too. So we are supposed to stop those negative tapes that play in our heads, I hope I can do that. When I try positive affirmations my mind corrects them back to the negative as that is what I still believe. I have more on my plate than I can deal with at times and I slip back to the beginning again, need more support, counselling not often enough, have trouble coping.
Well, peace and love to you.
Let me know if you realize anything, or if there’s anything you need, or you figure out something that could help me make sense of things.
If I fall in love again, 5, 10, 15, 25 years down the line, I’ll try to remember to write a note here, with the (hopefully!) happy news.
I pray and wait.
David,
The whole blog is here to help you make sense of things. You just don’t want to hear it.
Susan and all the wonderful people on this blog are living proof that this program works … Kathy, SmilingAngel, Greenroses, Julie, Brave Heart, Desert Rain, Debbie P … they’re all in various stages of doing the work and getting over loves that they could have stayed in and been stuck in.
Why do you think you’re unique? That this program won’t work for you?
Susan has written that you have to get to the place where you’re in enough pain to make a change. You’re obviously not there yet. I hope you come back when you are.
Peace and love to you, David.
I don’t think I’m unique because when I talk with other people about their lives, they recount similar feelings as I do. When my mother died, a couple years later, my father told me, “I wasn’t in love with your mother, but she was my best friend.” He grieved a long time, but I understand what he meant.
My dad’s sister relates her memories of a man from when she was 16, who she still obviously feels for; She knows right where he lives. She said, “You’ll always have a soft spot in your heart for that special one.” Am I to disregard this conversation?
My best friend @ 32, who’s wedding I went to, is married to a woman, but he’s always been in love with a woman he fell in love with at 20. I can’t tell you how many conversations we’ve had.
This is just the beginning; I meet so many people and ask them about their thoughts and experiences. Time and time again — I find that my friends and family haven’t fallen in love since “that one, so long ago.” I am now beginning to believe that it is basic to the human condition; Something that belongs in Passages.
It is clear to me that what Debbie advocates as a healthy image of loving, is what I call “friendship,” or “romantic friendship.” There is nothing wrong with it; It’s how the vast majority of us live our lives; I think I know only 2 people who are married and _in love_ with each other. And I once met an old man who I believe was truly in love with his (past) wife. But that’s it– *3 people.* For the rest, “friendship” is the ideal form, the canyon, the groove, that the relationship has formed down.
The advice on these pages is not bad; It’s not bad at all. I recognize many of the steps in “this program,” because I did them myself. I mean, how many ways are there to forget about people? Not very many; I think this is pretty well traveled land. I could dig up my old notebooks, recounting recovering after relationships with many different girls and young women, as I was growing from 10-20 years old. You will find many of the grievance procedures, feeling the feelings, letting things pass, unsent letters, and so on, written in the pages of my notebooks. Yes, I even burned some of them.
And these rituals absolutely *do* work; So many wonderful girlfriends, so many learning experiences, so many different natures, so many loves. And I am quite sincere: I do love all the girls I have ever loved, each one unique and precious.
But there is one girl, who’s nature did not go away. It _didn’t even fade._ And yes, the grieving work was performed, and I had even thought that everything was over. I mean, I think there were *years* between having single thoughts about her. I never thought of her. And yet, here she is. Not a day has passed.
You can’t say, “Well, you didn’t do the ritual,” because I did. I even have evidence, somewhere in my old filing cabinets. It was just like all the others.
I mean, at _some_ point, your life starts to come back into focus, and you do things. Thoughts fade into oblivion. Old pictures are thrown away. I haven’t spent 10 years obsessing and moping. No, I’ve been waging quests, living life, working jobs, meeting my partner, raising my daughter, playing games, having a wonderful time, thinking thoughts, being engaged in various public works and art projects; doing all kinds of fun things.
So you can’t use the “well you’re obviously obsessive” argument, (because I’ve been having a ball,) and you can’t use the “well, you never got over her” argument, either, (because I did.) They fall flat. You might believe them, because you don’t know me; But _I_ can’t believe them.
So I can’t help but take note. What’s going on?
But as I said — after consulting with others, I find that I don’t believe that I’m really all that unique. Visibly, you’re disagreeing with _me._ But in the invisible world of ideas, I have to weigh your doubt (originating in a “Getting Past Your Breakup” blog,) with the open testimony of all these people (including a 70 year old, intelligent, spiritual, and articulate aunt,) I’ve talked with, at myriad ages, in various settings.
I just think you’re on the wrong blog David, that’s all. We’re here to move on and work out our past relationship decisions, and get on with our lives. You want to debate the idea that one love is it for the rest of our lives. There are lots of people who believe this, and you may be one of them, no-one is going to argue that many people think like this. But we’re not about that, we’re about the idea that you CAN make better choices and change and grow.
Many people don’t want to admit that their crummy choices made for crummy relationships, it’s easier to idealise the subject of our affections than admit that there never was enough love in the first place, that our chooser was a bit wrong because of the headspace we were in at the time of choosing. This is what we are working on. I don’t see what someone with your mindset would be doing here, this blog has nothing to offer someone who is so convinced of that particular opinion. We are not here to convince anyone of anything, we just support each other’s capacity to change and make better decisions.
Lola
This is sort of a useless argument. It’s like debating politics or religiion. If THIS isn’t for you or doing anything for you, so be it. To debate “love” or “in love” or moving on is not beneficial. If you want to be where you are, then there is no problem.
I started this blog and spend time here for people who want to move on. People come on here and say “Well I WANT to be friends with my ex…” or “I WANT to get my EX back” and I say then this isn’t the place for you. Now “I don’t want to get over someone who got over me” can be added to that. This place is NOT all things to all people because it would not be helpful it it were.
I’ve stated that I have exes whom I have a soft spot for. That much is true. But that doesn’t make me “in love” with them.
I wasn’t going to answer this latest post by David because it’s pointless but I bristle at his notion that I advocate “friendship” instead of love. You don’t need to suffer for it to be love.
For the record, David, my husband is my best friend and I am IN LOVE with him and he is in love with me. It’s not a glorified friendship ONLY. You don’t have to be tortured to be in love. It’s not a requirement.
In 12 years of marriage he has never made me cry. Never hurt me. Never left me. Never once made me doubt his love for me. Been there for me and my kids day in and day out. Treated me with respect and compassion and has been my rock. He has been my loving, fun, steady companion while applauding and encouraging my individuality and personal freedom and space to be me while taking time out to pursue his hobbies and interests. We only have a few mutual interests and the non-mutual ones are not only non-mutual but we don’t even get whatever hobby/interest it is. We don’t have to so long as we honor the fact that it’s an integral part of the person we love and, therefore, important. Neither of us have ever forgotten to honor those things that make us, as individuals, who we are. We don’t get it but we honor it. My husband has supported me in every way and loved me in every way, consistently and without a single hiccup, for 12 event-filled years (it’s been a ride).
Yes we are best friends but we’ve been passionate lovers and yet strong supporters of each other’s personal space and individual interests and time away from the relationship. We disagree on the kids sometimes but always present a united front. He’s always been there when I need him and loves me through thick and thin. Our bedroom is full, chock full, of all the hearts and flowers and trinkets and plaques and monuments to idealized romantic love. We have “cutesy” things like pictures of each of us as kids sitting next to a boy/girl kissing figurine (with the little boy holding flowers behind his back). We have all kinds of little “romance” reminders in our room.
Our bedroom SCREAMS of “these people love each other and are IN LOVE with each other.” We have no pictures of the kids in there. It’s all us. Our wedding, our honeymoon, our good times. Notes and ticket stubs to things we’ve done over the years that meant something. Postcards and matchbooks. Pictures of us kissing and hugging and being the traditional “love struck couple” that we’ve been. It’s all there. On every wall, on our dressers, in our curio cabinet. All of our things that mean something to us and probably to no one else. The hearts, the flowers, the engraved vases with our names and wedding date on it.
So we’ve done, for 12 years, that goofy silly thing too. But love happens in the difficult times. Because the goofy/silly is EASY. And making love and being IN LOVE must happen outside the bedroom. When times are tough and it would be easy to walk away. To say F it. This is your problem or your kid or your whacked out ex. It’s EASY to say F it and walk away. It’s easy to say oh you’re not for me. I’m outta here. THATS NOT LOVE.
Love happens when times are tough and someone does not light out on you because it got too tough that love, real love, not some silly hearts and flower love, endures.THAT is love. It’s love when someone honors you and cherishes you through thick and thin…when wedding vows are not just words but real and true and deep commitment because this person is the one for you. And the one stays and the one loves you no matter what. THAT IS LOVE. Not someone long ago and far away who romanced you or tickled your fancy for a few years with chocolates and poetry. Real love is holding someone’s head when they’re vomiting because they have the stomach flu and pulling their car out of the snowbank and staying up all night with their sick kid so they can get some sleep. It’s BEING THERE. THAT’S what it looks like.Until you’ve experienced it, you don’t even know what it looks like.
Love is not a JUST a feeling; it’s an action. It’s what you DO. I could have fluttery feelings for some rock star, that doesn’t make it love. It makes it something else. But I could call it love and get all tangential about it and become a poet writing about “far away love” or some such nonsense. That’s not real. What I have here, every day, is real. Loving someone who loves me. REALLY loves me.
Oh yes, and did I mention that he’s dying? So I could wail and gnash my teeth and fit myself straight into all the operatic, Shakespearan models of “tragic love” and write poetry the live long day. I’m sure I would attract quite a following. Of crazy people.
But I choose not to do that. My grief and my process is real and I relate it elsewhere. I love him, I am in love with him. He loves me and is in love with me. And I’m losing him. While grieving and an emotional wreck most days, my feet are still firmly planted on the ground. Love is an action. It is what you do. And that is all that matters. To wed yourself to any other idea is foolishness. I found him BECAUSE I gave up on everyone else who didn’t know that love is an action and love is what you do. He came into my life and my heart when I made room for that kind of powerful mutual love. And until you know that kind of love, I don’t really want to hear your views on it.
Don’t lecture me about love or come here and debate this “idealized” nonsense. You’re either part of the solution or part of the problem. If someone is hurting and needs to know how to move on I don’t think “There are some people you never get over” is a particularly beneficial statement to their healing.
As I’ve said, there is a cottage industry, starting with Harlequin Romance books, that buy into this twisted notion of unrequited love. Go there and talk to them. If you have nothing more to offer here than argument for argument’s sake, then you’re just clogging the bandwidth.
That’s all I’m going to say on this subject. I spend time every few months with someone who decides to come here and debate “being friends with the ex” or “getting back with the ex” or some other thing. There are THOUSANDS of websites for those who do not like or do not need the advice given here. GO THERE. And let the people here do their healing without disruption.
Thank you.
It’s like the alcoholic that thinks the program of AA doesn’t work without trying it. You can’t reason with people that think they know it all until they’ve lost everything and in desperation are willing to listen to something other than their own reason. I like what you’ve said before, “my best thinking got me here,” maybe this guy will get that some day. Too bad so sad. Great job Susan, don’t you just love the period at the end of a sentence sometimes.
David,
I appreciate your presence on the blog. I think it’s good to hear different sides of things and different ways that things can turn out. Unfortunately, in your case, you kind of embody what everyone working here is actively trying NOT to become. So in a sense, you being here will serve as a reminder to people of just how important it is to do your work and fully deal with loss.
You’ve said several times that you’ve talked to “many people” who are hung up on the past. I don’t in any way doubt this, and in fact I have encountered the same thing. I’ve seen tons of loveless marriages, people harping on their love from years ago, romanticizing the “one who got away.” The stories about this are endless.
Why? Because MANY people in the world are unhealthy. Many people wouldn’t know true love if it jumped up and bit them on the nose. Many people have a warped sense of self esteem and never learned how to turn it around. Many people settle, grovel, sulk and essentially piss away their lives feeling terrible.
The reason this blog exists and is so helpful is that it offers another route, a chance for true happiness that can only start from within. Happiness will never come solely from another person, and it’s the people who believe it will who find themselves fantasizing about things they lost.
One thing is clear from your posts: You do not choose the right women. And the reason for this is that you likely don’t hold yourself in as high regard as you should. You’re in a loveless, sexless marriage for nearly a decade — no wonder you’re missing a woman you met at 18. It’s not that this woman was the great love of your life; it’s that she represents a kind of opportunity and hope that has since been missing from your life, due to your own choices.
You should not stay with your wife or you will be 50, 60, 70 and thinking about this other girl or thinking that true love isn’t real (that marriages are mostly based on friendship and love-free) or agreeing with all the people you speak to who mirror your sentiments.
If you don’t think this blog is the right place for you, that’s fine. But I’d suggest going to therapy, building your self esteem and believing that you deserve the kind of love you’re not getting from your marriage.
Because you do. Good luck.
As someone who went through that obsession myself, I feel for David, however as Susan said, this site is for people trying to move on, and it sounds like he’s just not ready to.
I think you do need to wallow in it for a while and allow yourself time to grieve, but (hopefully) at some point you make the decision to let it go, if only because it’s too painful to hold on. Unfortunately, everyone has their own schedule, so some people get stronger sooner than others.
Susan’s post “When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You” is one of the best things I’ve ever read about this, and as the saying goes, “it only works if you work IT”.
DebbieP – I read your post above and it really spoke to me in a way. I have had a very difficult time lately with even visualizing someone new touching me or being intimate with me. So much so that it scares me. Reading your post it dawned on me that perhaps this is a reaction to the treatment that I endured. My ex punished me by taking all forms of affection away – no hugs, no kisses, no nothing. I felt so alone and unwanted. The last time that I was phsyical with him was over a year ago (my last partner) and there was zero intimacy there. Where there had been love and passion, there was none. He had zero concern for my comfort at all and didn’t kiss me once – barely looked at me at all. At the end he kissed my forehead, rolled over and went to sleep – no talking, no nothing. I never wanted to be that girl who cried during sex, but I couldn’t hold it back. Each time that he had became physical with me it was painful for me (emotionally or phsyically) in some way and he wouldn’t care … I finally made a statement to him that he had had more intimate encounters with complete strangers then he did with me (after 4 years together and me moving to be with him). When he had come back and begged for forgiveness, he was overtly sexual – once asking me to get a hotel room, vividly describing his desires and what he wanted to do with me. When we were together and I trusted him it was different, he would text me these things and as I was a sexual person, I enjoyed it. but after all that had happened, and being that it was all that he seemed to talk about, it made me feel very uncomfortable and used. I expressed this concern with him and told him that he should be telling me how much he wants me in his life, not what he wants to do to me … and asked him if this is who he was now (he was not like this with me before, I would have to encourage him to be open about this – or so I though, realizing now that his many partners before me should have shown me that it was an act). his response, as with everything was that it was my fault and that I didnt keep him satisfied when we lived together. He had surgery during that time and was told he couldn’t have sex for 6 months … and when he did ask me to ____, he got angry at me after because it hurt him, apparently he wasn’t healed entirely, and it was somehow my fault that I had hurt him :(
I’m so sorry that I am rambling. As i read your post it really just hit really close to home with me. I just feel so tainted and I was so scared that I’d never be able to have that connection with someone again. It never dawned on me that this turn around in my behavior could be because of what happened. I have chills right now thinking about this :(
I’m sorry if this is totally not what you were talking about either, I just really needed to explore this …
**let me clarify that the texts he would send me while we were together were much more sensitive and less trashy and the ones that he sent when he had come back were very crude. It is hard to explain but there was a huge difference in their context, or perhaps because of his actions my perspective had changed. Which now I fear makes me wrong once again**
I suppose that perhaps this wasn’t the place to air that … as now I am just embarassed :(
I just broke up on the 18th after 4 and a half years, it hurts, it sucks, most people are saying its for the best, he said he doesnt want to marry me, even though we got a ring filled out the form not the license. He said too much was going on in our lives, its to stressful. He wants to be friends he just cant be intimate and commit. Why didnt he tell me soonner, even when we discussed future plans he has no idea how much pain he has caused me. We have had some issues but have worked through them now he’s just taking the easy road and giving up. Should I try to stay with him?
rachael,
noone can answer that question for you. The thing is, it sounds as if he has already made his mind up. And is taking the easy way out. Ask yourself: do you want to give further time and energy to someone who does not want you (anymore)? It’s just been 2 days, so be prepared that you will be going through a tough time in the following days, weeks, months. But in order to collect yourself and find out what YOU want, I suggest you have no contact to him. And use the time to ask yourself, what you want. Not what your heartbroken self wants. Not what your desillusioned self wants. But what a self-loving Rachael wants.
Hope,
Please don’t be embarrassed. That can be a difficult topic to share about, but you did so tastefully. I’m shaking my head at the strange (pretty selfish and crazy-making) behavior of your ex. Sounds like in the physical part of your relationship, he went from one extreme (passive) to the other (aggressive)–and neither was respectful or loving. His behavior was mean and selfish. This was baffling when it appeared in a relationship of mine that at one time had seemed more balanced and physically satisfying. But someone who can be so unkind and strange in that part of the relationship was pretty much always that person and it was showing up somewhere else, whether we saw it (or wanted to see it) at the time or not. This is just one more piece of evidence for you to put on your list of reasons why this man was NOT the love of your life.
hugs,
Kathy
HOPE Please don’t be embarrassed I am grateful to be open about this with someone else that understands. I hear ya sistah, the thought of being with another man startles me. I have been damaged as a woman from my ex and I will be leaving that issue on the last mountain to climb. My ex slept with everyone and anyone in town except me, it wasn’t punishment from him, he was just plain repulsed and bored with me. He never touched me sober and he said he had to be drunk to do IT. He was a sexual batterer and called me other women’s names more than once. There was never any passion, just rough, ugly sex, occasionally. If he was naked in front of me he would hide himself so I wouldn’t SEE it, so he wouldn’t have to GIVE me some, I asked him why he was doing that and that was his reply. If I was changing he would leave the room, looking away, shut the door. I am 53 yrs young and have never had a SEX problem or hang up but I have an issue now, and I will cross that bridge later, too dark to handle with my already full plate. I’m sorry to vent this out as I’m sure this isn’t quite the same issue but I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!
Thank you Kathy! I couldn’t help but post about it just in case it would help someone who is in the situation or provide comfort to those who feel the same. Honestly, that fact is at the very TOP of my reasons that I am better off without him. I cannot imagine putting someone through what he did to me, and I certainly would never stand for it again! I hope you are doing well today!! XOXO
DebbieP – it may not be the same exact situation but the feelings are mirrored. My ex was always playing these games with me. I went from being his long distance “princess” (his word, not mine), to living with him and not receiving any kind of attention. I would leave the door to the bathroom open when I showered, and no one would come in. I would walk around in my laciest thongs and wouldn’t even get a glance. When I would bring it up to him, he’d get angry and scream “I had surgery.” I didn’t have to have sex, but to not feel attractive anymore, or “worthwhile.” I am not at all a sexually active person (he was my 2nd partner and I am 25), but I am comfortable with sex and my sexuality. I also had never had trouble with this area, and now, I am actually repulsed when I think of it. I just couldn’t believe that this guy then had the nerve to point the finger at me (as it always was) and ask if I “could handle (him) now.” I am just so disgusted by it, and am actually embarassed that he saw me naked :( I know I can’t change it, but it is a scary thing to realize how much all that had happened has actually affected EVERY area of my life. I say he doesn’t deserve to have that power over me, but I can’t fight it either …
Thank you so much for sharing with me! It helps so much to know that it wasn’t in my head, it wasn’t me being a prude or an unsatisfying girlfriend … It just helps so much to know i”m not alone.
Hi,
I am new to this website. I’ve been struggling with my break up for almost three months now. I’ve been questioning myself what did he mean when he said, “I don’t think you have potential” when we broke up. These words keep haunting me. I feel a great anger in me but at the same time I want to prove to him that I can be better, I can be the person he’d been wanting. I am still hoping for that one day when he see the good side of me and will take me back. Now, after reading your post. I feel sad because I know that one day will never happen. What do I have to do to shift the focus?
bittersweet,
How condescending! It’s not his job to decide your potential, and you’ve got nothing to prove to him!