Getting Past Your Breakup
December 5, 2006 by susangpyp
Getting Past Your Breakup: 10 Things To Do To Move On NOW!
Even when we see a breakup coming, it can be devastating to suddenly be alone.
Perhaps we were still holding onto hope that it would last.
Perhaps we were just deep in denial about everything that was going wrong.
Perhaps we were trying to get it together before the clock chimed midnight and weren’t fast enough.
Even if it’s a breakup we wanted and think is for the best, it can be devastating. Gone are the hopes and dreams that you had at the beginning, gone is a person whobecame part of your life. There are shared memories, shared friends, shared traditions and often, shared children.
It can be tough whether it was a welcome sigh of relief or the most devastating thing that has ever happened. It’s even harder around the holidays. Whether you broke up today or last March, the first holidays can be rough.
Ten Things To Do After The Breakup To Get On With Your Life:
1. Know that grieving someone and missing them does not necessarily mean you want them. It means you hurt because you’ve had a loss. Perhaps that loss is the best thing but it’s still a loss. Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve any loss…even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is “review and relinquishment” where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the ex on your mind constantly. It’s a “working through” and it doesn’t mean you’re not going to get over it, or that you still love the ex. It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it.
2. Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will TEMPORARILY alleviate the pain or take your mind off the pain you’re in. But it’s not really alleviating it. It’s just postponing the inevitable.
If you are afraid of the pain, it most likely means that you have unresolved grief or abandonments in the past and that makes this loss hurt all the more. Take this as an opportunity to grieve your losses and face them and get through them once and for all. Running from unresolved losses does not make them go away.
TIME does NOT heal all wounds. Only working through the grief and loss and allowing yourself your feelings heals all wounds. Your life will be so much better if you work through unresolved loss. The emotions of grief are anger, pain, confusion, searching, pining and anxiety. There is a roller coaster ride of confused emotions before you end the process. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you think you are done and then you recycle. It’s normal. You’re not doing anything WRONG. Trust the process.
And remember this is about YOU. This is your work and your “getting over it.” Detach from the ex and what he or she is doing. It’s none of your business and what you are doing is none of their business. Do your work for you and concentrate ON YOU…not on them or what he or she is doing. If people are telling you what they are doing tell them to stop it. If you’re communicating with the ex, stop it. Concentrate on YOU.
It’s hard but don’t text, don’t call, don’t email, don’t send “jokes” or chain emails or funny emails and if they send them ask them nicely to stop. Just don’t communicate.
3. Try not to date or get into another relationship right away. It’s tempting but know that another relationship is not going to help until you get over this one. Everyone does the “rebound” relationship once or twice in their life but it’s usually not the best thing. When that ends, you might have two relationships, instead of one, to get over.
Not dating includes not sleeping around. Many times we use physical attraction and “the chase” as a distraction for our pain. It’s a very temporary salve. Afterwards we might feel used and even worse than we did before (or we might contract an STD making us feel MUCH worse and MUCH less attractive!). Having sex with people you’re not terribly emotionally attached to is never a good idea, but it’s a fact that people do it when they’re scared, bored, hurt, have low self-image etc etc etc.
There are a myriad of reasons why people wind up having sex with people they are not in a relationship, but the worst time to do it is when you are emotionally vulnerable because it can add to the problems instead of alleviating them. It is human nature to want to prove we are still attractive and can still “get someone” to have with, but try to avoid physical entanglements because the person you “get” when you are on the rebound is usually not a great choice.
Some people will say, “I just want someone to hold me.” and use that as an excuse to bed down with Mr. or Ms. Wrong. The price for someone to “hold” you is very high. It brings emotional and maybe physical consequences. Right now you need to be healing from your breakup and not adding any fuel to the fire.
4. Journal. Pour your heart and soul into a journal. Write letters to your ex in the journal. BUT DO NOT SEND THEM.
Write down the things you wish were different…the things you’re angry about and hurt about…write down the things you would like to be forgiven for…write down any significant statements you’d like to make…work on the letter a little every day…pour your heart out. When you are getting to the end of the lists, write a letter to the ex asking for forgiveness for what you did, forgiving them for what they did and again DON’T SEND IT but read it out loud to a friend or a therapist. Then burn the letter. Rituals like this help you move on. This is about YOUR closure and you moving on. It is NOT about them.
Other ways to journal is to make lists about things you want to do. Buy books on grief and loss and relationship recovery. Journal about passages that resonate in you. The journalling is a processing of the relationship…let it out.
5. Take a relationship inventory. Write down all the pros and cons of the relationship. All the good points and bad points of your ex. All the highs and all the lows.
Look at it as objectively as you can……Use this breakup as a LEARNING experience. LEARNING ABOUT YOU. Ask these questions:how this person was like other people you had unsuccessful relationships with…what does this say about you? What early warning signs did you ignore? Why did you ignore them? What will you do next time if the same early warning sign comes up? What do you need to work on in you and in your past? Is this person like a parent? What unresolved issues with your parents or early caretakers (could be teachers or older siblings) are playing themselves out in your life. What do you need to look at/ work on. How did you get into it? What unmet needs of yours were running the show? What does that say about you? How can you avoid this in the future? What work needs to be done?
6. Find support groups. If you have a therapist, ask him or her if there is a group (for women, women’s groups, for men, men’s groups) that you can join. It doesn’t have to be a therapy group. Find a hobby group, a reading group, some social group to be involved with. This is not the same as keeping busy. This is rediscovering who you are and that there are people like you out there. Remember, social and hobby and therapy groups are not the singles scene. Go with a clean objective–to rebuild your life–and not to be on the prowl.
7. Putting yourself out there is hard. Oftentimes we have no energy. Ending a relationship and doing grief work is hard. Sometimes we go out with high expectations that we will feel better and come home feeling worse. We didn’t like the people, the group was awful, no one liked us. There were other people who were clicking and that makes us feel more alone. Maybe they’re not your people. You will find your kind of people. Trust the process.
,p.
That doesn’t mean that no one will ever like you or that you should stop putting yourself out there. It only means THAT group wasn’t for you. Keep looking. And when you’re journaling ask yourself if you’re giving everything enough of a chance or are you at a point in your life where you just hate everything and everyone that is not the ex. If so, just keep going out there. One day you will wake up and find you’re not so cranky and finicky.
8. Be good to yourself. Give yourself a treat. Buy a new book or something nice to wear. Take a bubble bath. Go to a movie. Play a rousing game of golf, or pool, or basketball or raquetball. Join a gym. Make sure you are eating right and exercising. This will not only make you feel better, but look better. Do something that says, “This is important to me.” If it’s something that your ex loathed, EVEN BETTER. Do things for you on a daily basis, but also schedule a “me” night once a week and stay committed to it. If you need to relax, do that. If it makes you feel better to be active, do that. But give yourself ONE NIGHT A WEEK where you make a date with yourself to do good, validating things for you….things that say, “I’m okay and I deserve this.”
Sometimes after a breakup, our self-esteem takes a big hit. We start to think that something is wrong with us. We start to blame ourselves for things. If our ex is the type to tell us what is wrong with us, we feel not only dumped but dumped on. Two things to stop this particular train wreck: a) stop communicating with the ex…tell the ex what she or he thinks of you is none of your business and b) do positive self-talk and affirmation exercises to keep your self-image up. Don’t buy into any scenario that places this breakup squarely on YOUR shoulders. Don’t let this breakup drive your self-esteem into the ground.
Being good to you includes positive self-talk and rejection of criticism by others (esp the ex!).
Know that you will not always feel this way. There is life after a breakup–a very good life. Stay optimistic that maybe today is not the day you’re over it, but that day will come. And be good to yourself in the meantime.
9. Avoid revenge. As hard as that might be…as many scenarios play out in your mind…avoid it like the plague. It will just come back to haunt you. You can write about it, talk about it and dream about it…but don’t DO anything about it.
Similarly–avoid trash talking and spreading rumors. These are destructive behaviors that will only get to you in the end. Suppose your trash talking or rumor spreading or revenge story gets around and months later you become interested in someone who had heard about it…do you think they’re going to want you? Do you think healthy people will be attracted to you? No one wants someone who has revenge / getting even in their portfolio. Everyone will know (friends and lovers alike) that if you’re capable of that, you can do it to them.
But the most important reason to avoid it is because it’s not good for you. It’s just not…so talk about it, write about it, think about it…but don’t DO anything about it.
10. Remember the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. Breakups are inherently painful. Your hurt is not necessarily a measure of your love for the other but rather a measure of your humanity. The fact is that we are humans and we love and we become attached and when we lose a love and have to un-attach, we hurt.
Pain after a breakup is normal and natural….even searing pain and abject misery is normal and natural..pacing the floors, not being able to sleep, having anxiety attacks…difficulty concentrating…these are are normal and natural grief reactions…what is not normal are suicidal thoughts and deep depression…if you have these reactions, SEE A PROFESSIONAL.
Everyone going through a breakup can benefit from a counselor or therapist but if you are plunged into a deep depression or have suicidal thoughts, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY.
If you’re not suicidal or clinically depressed (just feel really really awful and incredibly sad), know the pain is temporary and that the only way out is THROUGH.
(11. Subscribe to this blog (and comment!). We have inspirational posts to help you get over it everyday. :) ).
~~
MORE:
On children and breakups:
On Children and Breakups
Think you can be friends with the ex? Read More After The Breakup before answering that question!
More on “After the Breakup”
Think you need CLOSURE? Read On Closure
Read more about what real love is and is not here: on real love
Read more on the website about grief:
Click here to go to GPYP on Grief
Click to join Getting Past Your Breakup email support group
the GPYP Grief and Loss MP3, Affirmation and Positive Self-Talk MP3 and After the Breakup MP3s are available here:
Click here to go to the GPYP MP3 page.
Coming in Fall of 08: The Getting Past Your Breakup book. Stay tuned for details.
You WILL GET OVER IT!!!
Peace
Susan J. Elliott 12/5/06
If you still have questions/comments/issues about getting over a breakup, feel free to write to susan@gettingpastyourpast.com and let me know if it’s okay to answer your mail on the blog. (without your name or any identifying info of course!)
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Great post. I am forwardeding it to several friends. Merry Holidays!
[...] Read After the Breakup Post [...]
[...] “After the Breakup” I received a lot of email on the “After the Breakup” post so I will answer some of the questions and concerns here about remaining friends, breakup [...]
[...] ********************* Click HERE to Read After the Breakup [...]
I am an emotional mess. Yesterday a 2-year relationshiip ended with a married man. I have asked myself for forgiveness for allowing the relationship to start, I have tried to understand myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. I feel horrible after the breakup and even worse for committing an absolute sin. I love him to no end, I gave him my heart and my soul- 200%. The last time he ended it he said he loved her and was not going to leave her …that was back in Oct 2006…less than 2 weeks later we were at it again and seeing each other alll while he was still married. What is wrong with me…I have lost all morals and self respect. I am an idiot who can’t move on. He continues to call and email me saying he loves me and that we;ll get through this, that we;ll find a way to be together for good. I don’t beleive him, but I easily fall for it. I can’t eat, concetrate, I feel weak and can’t sleep. I wish this pain would just turn to anger right now…it would be easier to deal with it.
Dear Grace, I can empathise with your situation. Have you seen a counsellor? I think it would be very beneficial right now. No matter bleak life may seem to you right now, know that you are not alone. Everyone suffers and face crisis at certain points in their life. When life gets tough tell yourself you are strong. Things will get better. I wish you all the best.
Thank you Eve for your message to Grace. Grace I am glad you are here. Please listen to the Moving On Series podcasts. They will help. Peace Susan
[...] April 3rd, 2007 dennisse After the breakup « Getting Past Your Past [...]
Thank you !!! I hurt so much and I did find comfort Thanks for this Blessing Robert
What a great relief to find GPYP. It is an answer to a prayer.
Thanks!
I have been crying for days and days listening to him telling me it is all my fault but now I have learned so much from just reading this I was doing everything wrong, I thank you for heading me in the right direction. I know now I can move on and I am the better person. Thanks you so much I can start a new life and I don’t need a man in my life to do it just yet. My prayers were answered. GOD BLESS
Nancy
What a fabulous entry. I am married now for several years, but have tried to remain friends with a distructive ex off and on over the last 10 years and within this last year those attempts blew up in my face. After getting into some issues about being in touch with me by HIS wife, he basically ripped me apart and went from telling me what a valued friend I’d become over the years (something he never told his wife) to telling me that he never wanted to talk to me again. Basically insecurities from his wife compounded the issue and in the end he ripped me up one side and down the other and when I tried to seek forgiveness for whatever I had done (to this day I’m still not sure as he never would tell me), instead of forgiving me he name a new list of things I had supposedly done. It was very painful and I have sought a peaceful resolution for several months now to no avail. He does not respond and I know now that part of my problem has been trying to stay in touch with him on any grounds! He always said we had to stay friends or that meant I was weak or something, but I know feel re-affirmed after reading this that sometimes an ex is an ex for a reason.
Thank you for your encouraging and enlightening words of wisdom and your wise words to NOT TALK TO THE EX IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM! It will bring heartache not closure. Thank you for putting that in there as it is a mistake many people make (I know several friends have made it along with myself).
I agree with Nancy that your post is an answer to prayer.
God Bless
As with others who have posted an opinion in response to your post, I have tried to keep in contact with my ex with a view to salvaging our broken relationship. Although I was aware she had met someone else, I conveniently ignored this and kept the communications channels opened. What has become apparent having read your straightalking advice is that there is only one option - keep focussed on moving forward and refrain from contacting her. I can’t thank you enough for inspiring me to regain control of my emotions and appreciate the fact that recovery is made up of a number of stages, some of which I still need to go through. The key to this is the acknowledgement that what I am suffering is a natural period of grief that will only resolve itself if I learn to let go without harbering any regrets. Your post has provided me and others with a renewed outlook on life and for this, I send you my most heartfelt thanks.
Peace!
My heart was smashed not so long ago, I lost best friend and a lover of 7,5 years. We said goodbye as most in love people ever… Heartbreaking. Why he left me? His MOM wouldn’t leave him alone and wanted him back. Ever been dumped for a mom?
My life crashed into pieces, I was living on water for 2 weeks. Then I started my life all over again, slowly climbing up. I already made some changes in my life, but the sadness and dissapointment stay. How long does it hurt?
Best luck to all heartbroken.
Susan, Everyone Reading On this Board…
Thanks for writing back; I wish I could’ve read this during my breakup as we both went back and forth doing revengeful things. This was BEFORE I signed my NO CONTACT agreement; revenge was flying through the air. I have read recently about something that I think I am suffering from it is called Obsessive Relational Progression where you can’t let go and move on until you have devastated and have taken out revenge on the other person.
This was the case before I read your article, I deeply regret hurting her, but she sought the revenge 1st and I and her went back and forth like saying “who can hurt each other more?”
She finally ENDED it and we prayed and forgave each other but I NEVER did that in any relationship I was in and I think I did it because my meds were off. Now I see how bad it was that my meds are finally working (too late in time for us but who would want a relationship like that anywise?)
I hope if anyone can glean some insight from this, PLEASE DON’T SEEK REVENGE!
Talk about it, seek counsel, write nasty letters and DO NOT SEND THEM or CALL THEM! Journal and get it off your chest by having an Accountability partner WHO when you get the urge to call or write, IM, or email that one who ripped your heart out, CALL OR EMAIL THEM!!! If no one is available, WAIT until they ARE available or call a crisis line and TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND GET THEM OUT! and AVOID hurting that person more by dropping to their self-destructive level!
Here’s a link to the article that is helping me along with my therapist. http://www.relationshipaddict.com/Obsessivelovewheel.html
My therapist says I probably have some OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and the fact that I was very hurt by my recent breakup led me to wanting to seek revenge, that and the ol’ Devil.
I feel every relationship is different and that some people can be friends, but other have too many problems that unfortunately you do not see until you are going through a med adjustment and are well, then you SEE IT ALL CLEARLY!
Why in the world would you WANT to be friends? UNLESS they split amicably and peacefully telling you it wasn’t your fault they just didn’t see a future with you. Hey I think it is best to just make a CLEAN BREAK and NOT remain friends, UNLESS you both spend at least 1 month’s time AWAY from each other and can HANDLE being friends WITHOUT interfering in each other’s lives.
As far as you TornApart, How long does it hurt? As long as we dwell on it and FAIL to grieve daily for like 30 mins and then find other things to do. DO NOT start another relationship when you are vulnerable and on the REBOUND. You are just trying to “Anesthetize” you pain away, but if you are a girl go out with girl friends if a guy go out with guy friends….
Avoid going to places that remind you of them, or playing music you both loved or spending a long time viewing old pictures when you were together. Grieve and take time to grieve, then eventually get RID of all traces of them if you are comfortable doing so. There is NOTHING wrong with keeping Good memories of the good but you need to forgive ALL of the bad and tell them you forgive them, then forgive and love yourself because you are NOT a failure and you can and will go on. Each person is different and a breakup takes time, which heals…
If they gave you some gifts everytime you look at the gift disassociate ANY feelings of good and instead say, this person HURT me ALOT and I WILL NEVER EVER GET INVOLVED with that type of person or that type of relationship EVER again!
Just remember that you are better off WITHOUT the dead-end relationship and you will eventually be more careful and have learned something from your past mistakes.
I have and I know I will NEVER let myself get to the point of revenge as I did with this one which was the only relationship that I sought revenge outta like many others that I have had. Many other had breakups as well but I never let them get to me because I was allot more stable at the time.
When we are not well mentally we have “tunnel vision” and ONLY see the person as hurting and we must help them, that is NOT healthy at all! If we were healthy, we would NOT be attracted to that type of person in the 1st place, hence less headaches… Know what I mean?
Guard your heart and stay busy, keep good memories and learn from what made you feel this way and say to yourself, I will AVOID this type of Obsessive Relational Progression like the PLAQUE!…
I Know it is HARD to let go, but we need not be codependent to exist and we are NOT failures because 1 person in the entire world makes us feel that way!
Now if I could only PRACITCE what I PREACH!
Life is a series of good and bad, the main thing is that we learn from the bad and seek help to IMPROVE ourselves thru getting help, loving ourselves and learning NOT to OBCESS about anyone. This that will ultimately end up DESTROYING whatever we have if it is suffocated or they are suffocating us.
Life is too short to have a relationship that gets physical right away BEFORE we truly find out what that person is all about.
Go slow and AVOID INTIMACY until you are married, If I did that I wouldn’t be typing this now. Breakups are ALWAYS more painful when you share more than just a friendship and are CLOSER because you were intimate in that relationship.
The main thing is pray and seek God’s wisdom about the right one for you, and don’t give up and love yourself no matter WHAT Anyone DOES to you!
Learn, and share and help someone else who is going thru the same thing, that is WHY God gave you the bad experiences in life, to learn from it and help others so they can AVOID the same mistake we did.
Ciao!
Matt
Here is My NO-Contact Agreement I Made Up!
Feel Free to use it and copy it, It could SAVE you ALOT of grief later!
Surviving A Break-Up
The “No Contact” Contract:
I hereby pledge that I will not prolong my anguish by attempting to contacting my ex or to orchestrate any elaborate “accidental” meeting with him or her. My healing has now begun and I will avoid re-opening those wounds like I would avoid punching myself in the face. I promise that, by “contacting my ex” I mean every single form of communication from phone calls to IMs, to chat boards, to friends passing messages. I will not call or write emails or snail mails. I probably will think about my ex… quite a bit in fact. But I promise that this pain and the need for contact with them will diminish over time. I will Block their emails, IM’s and NOT ever call them again.
I will daily take time to grieve until I am healed and forgive them. I will read a list of all the bad things that we had in our relationship and not look back. I will not drive myself crazy by attempting to “undo” what has happened or loose my dignity by crawling back, begging or lowering myself to their level by trying to get revenge.
I WILL call my therapist/friend every time I get the urge to contact them. When I talk to my therapist/friend it will be so that I do NOT prolong the agony of a relationship that will never be. I may or may not eventually throw out all their pictures and delete them from my life entirely. I will NOT take them back since I could never trust them again after the pain they put me through and all the pain I put them through. I need to go on alone or with another that is more together. I will find someone who loves me, trusts me and accepts me as I am and that I love myself. I need not feel that I am a failure and that no one wants me. I am a good person, but the relationship was just was not a good fit. I will take it slow and not rush into another relationship until I am more healed. I can do better than the relationship
I had and I have become stronger for it.
Signed: (Your Name Here) __________________________________
Dated: (Today’s Date Here) _________________________________
In other words, the other person saw long before I did that our relationship, however great it seemed that I wasn’t The One. Part of what hurts so much about being dumped is that it wasn’t your decision. It’s essential to remember that God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, He gives you the clarity that a relationship isn’t meant to be. Sometimes He gives it to the other person.
If you trust that God loves you, you’ll want to go wherever He takes you and understand that He’s taking you there for a reason. You Will Survive!
Accept what has happened, if God wants you back together, he will make a way; if not then accept the fact that your relationship was just not meant to be. Say the time we spent together we had a lot of good, but the bad outweighed the good. If someone has problems but will not change, there isn’t anything in the world I can do to make them change or love me. Make a list of all the things they did that drove you crazy and what you did that drove them crazy and why your are not together now, then read it several times a day. Stay busy, Let it Go and move on, and find another when you are healed and expect good things to happen.
These are excellent Matt. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being here.
i’m new to this site, so bare with me. My ex and i broke up almost a year ago .. stupidly, i am constantly trying to contact him in hopes that he’ll realize what a mistake our breakup was and we’ll get back together. i text, instant message, call, check his myspace and his facebook. i know i’m only like this bc i cannot have him and if i could, i wouldnt want him. It’s obvious to me that he has moved on .. dating wise & etc. I on the other hand havent been on a date since him. i just dont have the drive to move on, i’m too stuck on him. We dated for two years and i pretty much lied about myself until i fessed up and he was over me. Honestly, i lied bc i didnt think it was gonna be long term but i ended up falling madly in love with this guy and i just couldnt tell him the truth after two years. He doesnt believe that my feelings for him were ever genuine and he thinks im a complete bitch for lying. i am, i should have never ever done what i did but i was stuck in the moment. I cannot take the pain anymore, seeing him with someone else .. happy with anyone but me kills me inside. ive been a cutter for years but too scared to completely kill myself. But these days i figure why not, maybe if i do, he’ll realize i really did love him the entire time? Probably not. i know killing yourself over a guy is completely retarded & why should i love someone who doesnt love me back, right? but i cannot come to terms with it .. its almost been a year!! he’s moved on, why cant i?!!? most recently i called him in hopes of putting my feelings out on the table and thinking he’d fall back in love with me but he told me he doesnt love me, he’s over me, he hates me, his family hates me, his friends hate me and that i ruined two years of his life. the worst part is that i still want to contact him .. Sorry for rambling on .. this probably makes absolutely no sense at all but it felt good to get it off of my chest. thanks
Elle, I am glad you are here. Have you been evaluated for depression? If not, please see a professional. You need some psychic energy to move on…it sounds like you are clinically depressed and mightbe helped with some medication…then you can do the work involved in getting over it. Please have an evaluation. YOU CAN GET OVER THIS AND HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. But first you must take care of you. PLEASE SEE A PROFESSIONAL or talk to your doctor. PLEASE. Please feel free to email me privately.
Thanks for your feedback. honestly, im ashamed to get help. i shouldnt be, but i am .. i wouldnt even know what to say or how to deal with it .. this is the closest ive been to saying my feelings in a year.
You are right, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Unexpressed grief festers within us. The only way out is to express it…talk about it, let peple know. You can do it…please do not be ashamed…we all have been there. Hugs to you.
Your post helped me nd makes a lot of sense. I feel dumb for being so upset about a relationship that only lasted 6 months, but I am having trouble sleeping and don’t want to eat. The hardest part is that the relaionship went from being incredible with him introducing me to his family to wanting a “break” all within a week. During the break, I called and sent text messages constantly and, even though I really want to continue seeing him I realized I was driving myself mad, so I wrote a break-up letter and hand-delivered it yesterday. It made me feel like there was some closure which is good, but I am still really depressed.
What makes thing worse is that I am supposed to go on an international trip next week and see places I’ve dreamed about. He was not going to come with me, but still the sudden break-up has been so hard on me emotionally and physically I don’t know whether I should cancel it? It is hard enough not being able to sleep at home I am worried not being able to sleep abroad would be terrible. Any advice?
Also, what are your thoughts on age gaps? I am 30 and the guy I was dating was in his early 20s. I am attracted to younger guys but am wondering if in the future I should avoid this? I always thought it was the person that mattered and not age, but I wonder now if he was just too young to know what he wanted?
Thanks so much for your wonderful advice
to S in CA:
I hope you go on your trip. I’d hate for you to miss out on a great opportunity. As for grieving a six month relationship, please don’t judge yourself or minimize the importance of the relationship or your grief.
I’ve been doing the journaling grief work for a couple of weeks now and I feel much better. I think getting away will be amazing for you. It could change your perspective and it’s a great way to be good to yourself!
As for younger guys, I’ve tried it and it wasn’t for me. Maybe not dating for a while would be good for you? That’s what I’m doing and it feels good.
take care of yourself…..huggg
Well this information was most helpful. Me and my boyfriend broke up and I suffer from depression real bad and my anxiety has been horrible.I need to keep my head up but I still want to talk to him, hear his voice, just look into his eyes. But, we haven’t seen each other adn the only reason we are going to is to split the bank account, at least he didn’t take my money as in previous relationship. But, this is hard because truely he was a good person always there for me but I made several bad choices and he always still stood by me but this time it was to much, I pushed to envelope to far. i Miss him terribly, this website is real helpful though
Hi, about two months ago, my ex girlfriend broke up with me she said she lost feelings for me, and wanted to remain single. This relationship was long distance, and it was hard to spend time together. We still talk, and email me each, and I do like her as a person, but my feelings for her have gradually passed since the break up. This was my first relationship. Do you think it would be okay to meet with her, to talk. I want to be sure about how I feel, and I don’t want her to be the one that got away.
[...] i am a stupid obsessive girl. Filed under: Uncategorized — by her @ 7:01 pm here’s to it. [...]
How do we email Susan? She mentioned in an earlier post that someone was welcome to email her, but I can’t find a link to her address.
The man who i thought I was going to marry left me, high and dry, with no explanation other than saying we were not compatible. Three weeks later he is with another woman, (she moved in across the apartment from him, and she is gorgeous). I did thinkgs with this man that I believe should only be between a husband and wife, but because I was so confident that I was to marry him, I aloud myself to. He has already done those same things with the new woman. We share mutual friends, (his roommates and their girlfriends are my close friends). This is the third week that every morning I have woken up Ihave thrown up. every day. i. throw. up. I am now down to 98 pounds and I do not know what to do. I pray everyday, I read everyday, and I still hurt. My body is aching. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat and when I force myself to I cannot keep my food down. He recently said some hurtful words through text messages, calling me crazy and telling me no wonder it was so easy to drop me. (all i ever asked him for post break-up was an explanation). This man has changed, and I am so confused because he was so amazing and I lvoe him so much. Someone, anyone. please help. Im wasting away. and I am scared.
I heart breaks from reading your post. I am newly broken up as well, but my ex went about the break up in a very dignified and mature way. i am devasted from the breakup, more than anything i wanted to be with this woman. i started reading Sharon Salzbery “The art of happiness: loving kindness, and have started meditating and seeing a counselor. Please go see a counselor immediately.
love
ardis
Hi there I am one of those sorting out through a recent break-up of 6-months relationship. Reason? We were supposed to move in together this June… In May I found out that it wouldn’t happen, at least not it June, because (and I am not making it up!) he is in 9 years relationship with his secretary, who lives with him… Naturally, he said that he wanted to be with me, but she had nowhere to live so he needed to buy her something and sort this out before we could be together.
After storming out of this conversation I made all possible mistakes: I stayed in touch with him, I called him and texted him, I even had sex with him - by the way it was really bad and I never felt so miserable in my life. Yesterday I finally did what I should have done month ago - I deleted his number from my phone so when I am tempted to call him again I wouldn’t be able to do it. Luckily I don’t remember his number by heart. We had “no-e-mails” policy - now I know why - so e-mail contact is also out of question. The biggest challenge for me these days is to stop hating myself for not ending it in a dignified way, for staying in touch, for my neediness. What was I thinking? That he’d understand his mistake? Silly! Anyway, I am writing this to tell you that “no contact rule” is THE rule to follow after the break-up although my experience shows that we do slip it is never late to start fresh. Do it and you WILL feel better. I am also trying to keep myself as busy as possible - thankfully my job gives me plenty of opportunities. It hurts, it really does, but somehow I feel more optimistic now. I made this first step now I just need to keep moving. God helps us all! Irena
I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago. We had an interesting relationship. The first time we met was 13 years ago in a french busary program. It was magical…see each other across the room bit. We spent an amazing summer in 94 as lovers. We were both young and foolish and did the long distance thing for an year and like all good things…it came to an end. She moved to my city for university and I had trouble letting go. I became crazy dude….constant phone calls asking why we couldn’t get back together b/c we still love each other.
Fast forward 10 years later and about 8 relationships later…I was in a limo on my way to Bolivia…when there she was walking across the street right in front of my limo. I ran after her and both our eyes lit up. We exchanged contact info and I hop back into the car b/c I was late for my flight. I was travelling in South America for 2 months all the time thinking about our chance meeting. When I got back I instantly contacted her…unfortunately we were both in relationships at the time. We waited another 4 mths (what’s 4 mths compared to 10 yrs) until we both broke up in our repective relationships. It was an amazing 10 mths…the most beautiful and happiest time in my life. Then she got a job in the west coast in a place where I couldn’t get a job in my profession. We decided to do the long distance relationship again. During this time she had an emotional affair(email and telephone) with a guy from the west coast. She finally told me about it and it broke my heart. I mean we were given a 2nd chance at things…why would she do that…she said she has never been happier then she is with me. It took mths but I finally forgave her and we were in a very loving and supportive relationship until the guy(she had an emotional affair with) came back to the place where she is living. I found out they went to dinner together…I snapped and told her “Good Riddance!!” Then I called her looking for an explanation but she didn’t have the compassion to answer the phone. Then she somehow finds out the guy is a womanizer and has STD’s from it. Instantly she tells me she made a big mistake and totally loves me. But she still hangs out with the guy. This went on 4 or 5 times until I finally stop being a doormatt…and told her ‘I wish her nothing but happiness but please stop contacting b/c it breaks my heart everytime’. We had no contact until yesterday when she text me…asking for patience and to allow her time to think things through. I didn’t reply.
This was the love of my life…I know that since I have never loved someone before…even in my previous relationships. She always said we were destined to be together while I said relationships take hard work…but it’s all worth it when you love someone. Even after all the things she’s done to me…I don’t think she’s really a bad person…just confused and lonely being in a long distance relationship is not for her.
She just needs to stop using me and stringing me along. While I need to stop the pain.
James: The reason you can’t love someone else (8 relationships??) is because you never let her go–Let her go already! If you don’t - there will be another 8 + “dead end” and unloving relationships in your future…
James, your words strike a chord. I am in another city on business and guess how did I spend 2 hours of my flight? Thinking about my ex and what happened over and over again. Yes he did use me - I didn’t mention before that I was a free business advisor during those 6 months - and he did lie to me and he did string me along.
Still it was me who ignored all the signs, deep down I knew that something was wrong for quite some time but didn’t want (or was afraid?) to confront him. And at the end it was ME who behaved silly and irrational - really, I cannot forgive myself for that. I wish I could apologize for my silly behaviour even though I know that he doesn’t care anymore and probably chalked me off as “this psycho I dated some time ago”. And (thank God!) I don’t have his contact details anymore.
So all what is left is to take the challenge, accept that it was not meant to be… eventually the pain will stop. I know it will and after days / weeks maybe months of agony I’ll be fine. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?
I came across this site today at work because I was dumped about a month ago and have been having a hard time moving on. One minute Iam in bed with this man who is telling me he loves me and 4 days later he informs me that he has asked someone else out and they have been together every since. We have been off and on for over 3 years. This last time I told him I didnt want to rush anything and we needed to learn to trust eachother and enjoy eachother. We agreed we would go to counseling and we did one time, to which the counselor told him he was high school in his mentality with relationships and he had a problem being intimiate with someone. (not sexually, but allowing someone to be close to him before he pushes them away) For so long I felt like I gave my whole life to please him and did whatever I could to show how much I loved him only to be told that was all a lie and be accused of lying and hiding things. I really felt after not seeing eachother for 5 months it could be different when he started calling me again and for awhile it was. He was so attentive and so remorseful, yet I kept telling him that I didnt want to rush back into something. That was all good with him for about 2 months and then the pressure of are we or arent we a couple started and it went all down hill from there.
I feel embarassed that I feel back into this situation again and once again Iam the one who is hurt and a wreck while he is off having a great time with his new girlfriend…
And of course he has totally blown me off like I was just a piece of trash and thrown away!!!
One last misery to this is that we work right next to one another and do business with eachother so daily I see him outside or deal with his work a couple times a week… I feel like I cant get away from him, even though he isnt bothering me in any way, I just feel like I cant move forward with having him not only in my thoughts constantly but working beside him as well.
Any words of advise would be so much appreciated…and I feel like I was meant to find this site to help me learn to let go and never go back.
Much thanks and love
tsk, is there an option of changing assignement (temporarily) or going on an extended business trip for few months?
Dear all…
This website has been very helpful to me. I just experience a terrible broke up as well.
I met this guy over internet and we went from being friends to steady girlfriend and boyfriend. he was my 1st steady boyfriend and i’m 27. only 2 mnths later i found out that he was cheating on me. He had another girlfriend for 3 years behind my back and once i found out, i confronted him. He literally avoided me and told me, he will settle thing. I trusted him and gave him time to clear what he told me was a misunderstanding.
but when 2 days pass and he didn’t clear the issue with me, i confronted him again and he confess to me that it’s true. He mention he has no choice but to marry the girl as the parents and family were all against him from breaking up with her. It’s so stupid and one of the most idoitic answer i can hear. But nonetheless, we did broke up.
I was devastated and sad. He still wants to remain friends with me and he say he cannot afford to lose me as he treasures our communication and friendship. I am torn as i do feel i still love him but i cannot allow him to hurt me anymore. I’ avoiding him now and i felt terrible that from a loving and caring person, over night he turn into a stranger whom i never know.
He could afford to lose you when he cheated on you. If he treasured you, he wouldn’t have cheated on you.
Do not allow him to hurt you anymore. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He cannot have you. That’s all. He made that decision with his behavior months ago. Do you want someone like this as a friend? A selfish cheater?
A healthy person holds their friends up to standards too. Cut this guy loose. He didn’t say he wants to be friends because of what it will do to you, but what it will be for HIM. He’s only thinking of himself…think of yourself…cut the ties.
hugs and peace
Susan
Irena,
Unfortunatly I don’t have the option to take a leave or transfer if only temporary. I am going on vacation in a few weeks for my sister’s wedding and will be gone for a week. In one aspect I am looking forward to it and in another I am overwhelmed about being away. I almost feel like even being close to him even if it is just because of where our companies are that he might be seeing me as well and missing me.
I know that is probably crazy and I shouldnt even worry about anything like that but I do
tsk,
I think being away will do you good, it will take your thoughts off your ex and will give you an opportunity to think about you and what do you want without daily reminder of your past. Please don’t hang on hope that he misses you.
Hello everyone,
I’d like to say what a great breath of fresh air this site is and so comforting with much sense shared by you good people. Thank you.
I live in Sussex, south of London, England and to be honest, there is nothing like this website targetted at Brits. Sometimes I wish my fellow citizens would wear their hearts a little closer to their sleeves and not be so stoic about things as trivial as relationship breakups.
Grace - in an earlier post - touched me so much with her candor that I felt compelled to write. Thank you Grace.
The relationship with my ex-partner of 11 years ended two years ago and since then I have struggled to come to terms with the loss of her, the children, close friends and her family, my home and my career.
I have made so many mistakes and caused so much hurt I don’t deserve forgiveness, but I feel I must tell someone before my sanity gives out and I lose my soul forever. I’m not seeking sympathy and I don’t feel sorry for myself but at times in the past I felt the world would be better without me, but then I have already run away too much for that and I’m trying to face my responsibilities probably for the first time in my life.
When I first met my partner, I was already dating someone else but because of my insecurities and selfishness (which I know now came from my childhood), I fell into the trap of starting another relationship before finishing the first. Not through being evil or manipulative, but through fear of being on my own. The irony is I genuinely did not want to cause pain to either party and could not bring myself (cowardice) to be honorable and tell them.
This carried on for two years and in that time I genuinely fell in deep love with my ex-partner. But guilt was eating away at me. She had two small children from a previous marriage and I loved them all dearly. As fate would have it (because we did take sensible precautions), the person who I was also seeing became pregnant and decided to keep the child. I felt totally out of control of my life but it did catalyse my decisions. Worst of all I finished with my pregnant girlfriend by deciding to make a life with the woman I did love.
I paid maintenance for my son (and continue to do so) but did not tell my partner about his existence again through cowardice, self protection and stupidity. We set up home together and I vowed to myself to do everything I could to give my partner and her family a beautiful home and a secure and loving environment for her children. But for several years I rejected my own. I was in deep denial and the guilty conscience kept on building.
After four years, I finally broke and confessed to my partner. She was devastated as you may imagine. She tried to come to terms with it and for a while it seemed that we could remain together, but I know now that she was really putting her children first whilst she got back on her feet. She is a strong and courageous woman. One of those stoic Brits.
Because of the years of suppressing guilt, denial and my conscience eating me like some uncontrolled cancer, I went into a deep depression which only compounded our relationship problems. It became an uncontrolled spiral, the deeper I went into depression, the more understanding I needed from my family, the less I got and the depression deepened. I lost a highly successful career and matching salary through that depression and at one point considered ending my life. Selfish through and through.
So no surprise (or it should not have been) when she took control of her life and ended our relationship two years ago, it was at a low point in my life - or so I thought. She told me that afternoon, she had already left me years earlier.
I had already sought counselling and was beginning to pull myself around, when I discovered she was seeing someone else. A guy 15 years her junior - sweet revenge. To me he became everything I was not. Tall, handsome, youthful, with honour and integrity, loyalty, selfless, courageous although I’d never met him. All the things I wanted to be but not part of my character. Unfortunately, her knowing I was depressed used the knowledge for revenge and retribution, playing on my insecurities by forcing me out of my home, forcing me to sell my property portfolio and giving her fully half of everyting which I did willingly in the hope of salvaging our relationship.
I know I’m not a bad person, just a weak one. I did support her fully through a full time university degree and business school while we were together, put her children through private education, bailed her out of financial trouble when she ran up credit card bills, gave her a beautiful home, holidays and loved and looked after
her children, looked after her parents.
But I lost them all.
The hardest day of my life came when finally moving out of the family home in March and having to do it on my own with my ex, her boyfriend, his friends, her family - all helping her and standing supporting each other.
The one good thing that came from all this is I have been able to develop a loving relationship with my son. I don’t ever want to be estranged from him like I was with my own father. He is beautiful, sensitive, intelligent and caring.
I will always have to live with the guilt of what happened, but I know that I cannot alter the past only my future is determined by my actions from now.
I truly wish my ex finds lifelong contentment and love with whomever she choses to be with. I have apologised in person to her and the children, her family, my son and his mother, my friends, my family for all the hurt and pain I have caused and don’t expect forgiveness from any of them.
I know full well that my actions in the early days of that relationship, ultimately sowed the seeds for destruction of both the relationship and self so many years later.
All I need to do now is forgive myself so that I can move on with my own life.
Take care good people.
Marti.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 and half years because I found out she was emotionally cheating on me with another guy for months through email. Then I found out as soon as we broke up she began dating the guy(within the week)
I was so hurt and upset because I thought she was the love of my life. She was the person I trusted and loved most in this world…and I never imagine she would hurt me like this.
So I went insane. She gave me her password to her email account a long time ago and she forgot about it but I never used it. After she cheated on me I used it and saw the email exchange between her and the other guy (you never want to see that, it just added to the pain…trust me). I just wanted retaliation, which is awful (it just makes you feel worse)…so I created a fake account email a group of his friends and her saying shit about him. Turns out he was really a shitty person…a lot of his ex-girlfriends responded and said terrible things about him. But this didn’t make me feel better…it made me feel worse…so I went back to my ex’s email and started deleting all the emails from the fake account. This is when she figured out it was me. She’s not 100% sure but she’s pretty sure it’s me. She’s been emailing the fake account asking to reveal who it is or otherwise she knows it’s me. I feel sick to my stomach having done this. Yes she cheated on me but what I did was insane. I never done anything like this and I still can’t believe I did it.
I still can’t believe how crazy I went.
Should I confess to her?
after 10 years of being with the girl I truly thought I was going to marry she leaves me a note on Tuesday stating she took some clothes to her moms house and that she was spending the night—a phone call later I asked when she was coming home and she responded “I’m not this isn’t working for me” That is the only explanation I received, so after 10 years, 2 dogs and a condo I am now left with no dogs, but all the responsibilities of this condo. Everywhere I turn there are things that remind me of “us” what do I do? how in the world do I move on???
Uh, did you ever give her a ring?
I am sitting here reading all of these letters and its very strange to say - but it feels good that I am not the only one feeling like the world is going to crash around me. After 6 years with my partner; he told me he wanted to have a ‘break’ when I came to visit him 2 months ago. We have spent 6 years travelling the world, meeting way back then in England, and then moving back home to Australia (I am Australian), then back to England and finally last year to France (he is French). I really wanted to settle in Australia but he didnt, so we moved back to England and after nearly 2 years in England he wanted to head to France and even though I was working in my dream job and didnt speak French, I headed over to join him. I know that its terrible to have these feelings, but I really hated giving it all up and moving to France and the idea really made to negative about the move. I knew that we were not getting on as well as we had, and I really thought that moving to France would bring us back together and fix it all. I was so wrong, and together with having problems with the language, he constantly told me that I should change the way I dressed, that I should wear more maekup etc etc… After spending 5 months here, a met a lovely man who told me many things that I wished my partner had told me, and this made things worse for me. I could have kissed this guy, but he had the honestly to tell me that he would never start a relationship with me while I was still in my current relationship - and looking back I am very lucky that he was like that. My partner found out and after a terrible Christmas, I was offered my old job back in England and we decided that it would be good for me to take it - and that we would work it all out. When I returned to France I was told that he wanted a ‘break’ and that he had started a relationshiop with a friend of mine and that she had moved into our place, with all of my clothes, books, furtniture and even my cat still in the flat!!! I am totally heartbroken by all of this, and he tells me that he doesnt love her and that it was her idea to move into the flat. Right now I am in France to try and sort this out, and have even had to get my mother to fly in from Australia as I really feel that I cant cope with this. I knew that there were problems, but I still love him so much. Friend have told me to never go back to him, but I am very scared that I will. There are things that I dont love about him but there are things that I cant get out of my head.. and it breaks my heart! My family back home tell me to return to Australia, but I feel like I am running away!! How do I do this and how do I get over the man that I thought would be with me all my life??
I suggest joining our getting past your breakup group (purple link on the right) for a great group for support!!!
This is the best article I’ve seen on break up. This has been EXTREMELY helpful and insightful.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I’m glad I came across this website. My boyfriend of one year broke up with me two months ago claiming it was because he was tired of compromising when we had disagreements. He wanted to be right more often and get his way, and didn’t like the fact that I would stand up for myself and my beliefs. Up until the minute we broke up, he was telling me how much he loved me, etc. When we broke up, he cried and begged me not to take away our friendship. Now he contacts me over IM and wants me to come over to his house to fool around, but is adament in saying that he doesn’t want to “lead me on”. He says he wants to be friends, but refuses to do “friend-things”. He only wants me to come to his house when he wants and do what he wants–which is very “un-friend” like. I am appalled at this and can’t figure out what is going on in his head. I know he is being a jerk, but yet I miss him so much and love him like crazy that I just can’t get over him. I’m not proud of it, but I did go to his house a couple of times thinking that maybe he wanted to get back together–wrong. He was just using me for his own physical pleasure. It seemed like it was easier to deal with this right after the break-up, but two months later it hurts more than ever. Any advice?
It’s been 2 months but I find that it is a constant struggle. A constant stuggle not to think of you, with either love or distain. A struggle not to curse you or to call you. I wake early in the mornings with a sense of exactly what my day will entail - another day passing the minutes but experiencing none of them, false smiles and cheerful words - happiness an emotion no longer achievable. A struggle even to decifer why I am so unhappy: is it because the one person who could bring me that elated emotion is gone or because I fear I am uncapable of bringing myself to that same level of joy. A constant struggle not to collapse into the pain which surrounds my every move and the biggest stuggle is to stop my mind from constantly drifting to thoughts of you - your words which could help me to soar above all, only to rip me down later, your touch so natural and gentle - or so angry and damning. I fear there will always be this gap where you once were, and that I will always be searching for something to fill it, although nothing quite fits. I hope the cliche that time heals all wounds rings true, for the alternative is unimaginable. Through all my years of heartbreak, it is not till now that I view this particular love, as a curse. As I mourn us, I will not regret you
I came across this website just a few hour ago…and i’m really glad about it.the article and all the comments trully helped me to figure out that i was not the problem in our relationship (my ex: you’re the one who gradually ruined it all) and that i’m actually going to be fine (as soon as i really start focusing on ME).
it’s just hard to realize that he is not a part of your life anymore (and will never again be), after 4 years it is hard!
but i guess i’m doing it quite alright…
take care….
thanks
WOW! James….I think you pretty much covered how I feel exactly with what you have written. However, I do not believe that time heals all wounds…I believe we have to heal them ourselves…one…day…at..a…time! I can honestly say that reading this blog and it’s feedback has just now opened my eyes to other possibilities….positive ones. Thank you!
Thank you for you blog, It is helping me to move on now more then before. I was in a relationship for almost 6 years on/off with a married man . We both Married. We were co-workers not anymore. He decide to breakup our friendship with no explanation what so ever. I know it;s problably the best thing that this happen, however it does hurt… a lot. The pass few weeks I was still sending him e-mails and I even try to see him a month ago he scream to me over the phone the did not care about me,the he did not love me. I just can’t believe after all the good that I did for him. He treat me this way. But I am the bigger person. I do feel a little better now it is been 2 months since he broke up with me. I am trying to do everything in my power to move on and following your advices. I know that I deserve Better!! Thanks again for the wonderful advice. I hope some day I wont care it all about him or waht he think about me.. Working on it. Thanks!!
I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with someone who I met early on during my time at university. I think we both knew for a while that is was over but I was the one who finally said it. The moment I said it I knew that I had done the right thing but I feel terrible for upsetting him so much. The first few days and weeks were exactly as this website says, I think I was in shock and my brain literally wouldnt let me think about it. I spent alot of time with friends and family who have been great. Now, almost a month after the break up, I think I am finally really feeling it. Seeing pictures of him with friends on the internet hurts alot, even though I want him to go off and enjoy life. I also feel bad for enjoying myself so soon after and feel like I’m punishing myself for that, and how must he be feeling seeing me enjoying myself so soon after? How is it possible just to forget someone who you were so close to and who never really did anything wrong. We just weren’t ment to be. We dont hate each other, we were best friends. I know I’ve done the right thing but I just miss him so much.
I definately think your website is helping though. Its explaining that these feelings I’m having are normal. These feeling of grief and loss arent because I still love him, Its just the healing process. In a bizzare way it also helps to know there are so many people out there who feel the same, and they get through it. So thank you.
its been about 2 months since my ex gf and i broke up. We were together for 2 years and “I” being basically the guy in dani’s story above is lost. I read everything up top that you had to say, but still i feel like i AM in love with her still. I actually feel like im in love with her for the first time. I can picture the time in our relationship where she was deeply in love with me, and quite frankly, i missed it. I understand her feelings and maybe went just werent meant to be, but how long will it take for what feels like love to go away. All ive prayed for was one night with her in love with me again, one chance to make her feel like she’s the most important thing in the world. You hear stories about couples getting back together and i know thats not a good topic on a site meant to help people deal, but i honestly dont mind the hurt if it meant having another chance. I’m not being needy to her, she knows how i feel, and she initiates talking sometimes. We both are fairly young and she has never really had freedom at this stage in her life. I dont understand why i couldnt HOPE for a chance again, but even if i dont anymore my heart isnt going to let me forget.. ive cried, ive stop looking at everything to do with her, we stopped talking for a while, ive done everything healthy i could and she’s all i dream and think about still. The MAIN thing is, i know i’ll be fine eventually, but honestly wouldnt mind waiting even if it wasnt fair to me, even if a time comes where she has clearly moved on, i would choose the pain over forgeting
I think im in a process of breaking up with my boy friend. I just happened to go through the above text. It really gave me a LOT OF strength. Im feeling much more stronger now. Thnks a lot :)
My ex left me 3 weeks ago without an explination of why. We were engaged for 1 and 1/2 years dating for 2 and 1/2. I suspect from emails that he was cheating, but only for 2 weeks. He told his parents so many lies such as I abused him and that I used drugs and alcohol I don’t know why he is doing this. I really enjoyed the advice, but my ex-fiance fraudulantly stole $10.000.00 out of my personal bank account I am not a revengeful person, but I also need to protect myself the police are involved, but he doesn’t know yet and I am scared that he will get angry. I am seeing a counseler, but I don’t know if I should go through with the charges? Some how I still have hope that we can work things out, but I don’t want the charges to affect what might be. Please give me some much needed advice. Amy
Amy, why do you hope things will work out with someone who stole $10,000.00 from you?
Amy, take care of yourself. He’s a thief, a liar and a cheat. If he gets angry because someone says, “Oh no, you can’t do that.” then so be it. Don’t let a possible reconciliation stand in your way. Ask yourself why you want to reconcile with someone who is so reprehensible.
Are you afraid of his anger? If you do press charges, tell the police that. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take care of yourself.
I don’t have to live with the aftermath of pressing charges, you do…so only you can make this decision. But make sure you make it for the right reason. Make sure you understand that this person is a lowlife and you are so much better off without him.
Take care of Amy. Think this through. You deserve so much more. No deserves to be cheated on, lied to, broken up with with no explanation and then stolen from. NO ONE. And anyone who does that to someone else is a lowlife loser.
You can do better. Trust me. You could swing a cat and find someone who has more moral character (just about anyone).
Bury it, find someone good in your life and be good to you.
Great advice, good to remind myself of it every now and then! Thanks for the blog, really helpful stuff.
Uhh! It just suck sometimes. Two girls I know just announced their engagements. Though I try to feel happy for them, I can’t help but to secretly feel like a failure inside. I mean, I loved my ex boyfriend. I was faithful. I was good to him. I was willing to commit to making the relationship work. I thought we had something special. I would have done what it took. So what the heck did I do to deserve getting dumped for someone else rather than get an engagement ring? It just sucks. How come I’m so easily discarded? How come some other girl gets to have the guy I loved and built a relationship with? What if he’s treating HER like a queen? Just not me? It feels like everyone else has found their special someone but me. I’ve found someone I loved twice in my life and still I have to start all over again when I didn’t want to either time. I tried so hard to make both of those relationships work. It’s so frustrating! Blech! I just don’t understand sometimes. Just venting…
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne, You are not a failure because of this one event in your life. I have taught myself that recently with my breakup, at first I was feeling the same as you. After thinking about it I decided it is just a failure at this one relationship in my life, that does NOT make either of us a failure. I am sure on a lot of other levels you are a great person and have many attributes. Yes, if you are like me this was a MOST important portion of your life. But I hae decided I was being too hard on myself and letting that one incident define my entire being. AFter thinking of it more, I decided my breakup was just one facet of me, not the whole me. I lived with my ex for 10 years, so this has been very hard, but they are no longer the center of my universe. And, I am rediscovering the real me that has been hidden all this time. Something really great may be around the corner, dont miss it girl.
Thanks R. I hope great things are around the corner for the both of us.
Lisa Anne.
I just came across this website today. My boyfriend of 14 months broke up with me last month right before Thanksgiving… over the phone. The last time I saw him all was fine. Two weeks before he broke up with me was my birthday. He cooked me a wonderful dinner and had candles and roses on the table. After dinner I opened my gifts and he said “I didn’t know what to get you.” Well I was feeling confident and happy so in a happy voice I said “I know what you can get me, an engagement ring. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. We can get married in your parents’ backyard and honeymoon in Hilton Head.” It all came flying out of my mouth. We hadn’t even said “I love you” to each other. I opened my mouth and it came flying out without thinking. He said “I love you too, but I have never been engaged.” Well neither had I and I thought that was an odd response. Just to let you know I am 43 and he is 41 and neither of us have been married or even engaged. Everything seemed fine and he flew out the next day to a corporate meeting. After he returned I noticed the change. He was distant and busy with his parents. He is an only child of parents who divorced when he was 2. His mother has been married to a wonderful man for 10 years who he calls his “dad.” Well anyway the last weekend we were together he started on me about things I needed to do and that he didn’t want to act like my father or boss. Things like looking for another job (I had been doing and still am), getting a parttime job (done), and then little stuff like my withholding on my paycheck, donate to Goodwill for tax reasons… stuff like that. Well the Sunday before Thanksgiving was the last time I saw him. He got in a discussion with me over the phone about how I needed to get my brother’s help. Well I talked to my brother and went down to him house for Thanksgiving. The next Sunday we talked on the phone for 2 hours and he said he did not want to be in a relationship, he couldn’t deal with the fact I handle things differently than him… what, looking for a new job?? Anyway he said he wanted to work on some things alone and not date anyone and “Maybe I shouldn’t be in long term relationships.” What?? After 14 months of the most perfect relationship I have ever experienced… we went on numerous trips, some with his parents, we campted, hiked, everything we shared we both had a wonderful time! I don’t get it!! That week I emailed him that I needed my photos off of his computer because he had been downloading all my photos on his computer. He said he would bring them over Thursday eveing. At the last minute I emailed him and asked him to bring the discs and all my belongings at his home and leave them in my garage. I didn’t hear back so I left him a voice message and started crying during my voice message. I said it would be too painful to see each other. He emailed me back a very cold message that he would leave everything in the garage and didn’t mention anything about feelings or me, just matter of fact that he would leave my things in my garage. I sent him back a very emotional email about how I miss him and love him and how hurt I am. No reply. That email was the last contact I received from him on December 6th - it is Christmas Eve! I just don’t understand how one minute we were great and the next minute over. I could definately feel the tension after I proclaimed my love for him. Should I have held back and not told him?? He became my best friend as well as the love of my life… I thought FINALLY at 43 I had the man I would marry and we would be together forever. How do I move on from this??
A classic case of commitment-phobe, that’s what he is. You really are much better off without him Marie, and to inspire you, you will move on and get over him, I assure you! I was also dumped 5 months ago but I am in a much better place than I was. Believe me, it will get easier as time goes by.
For now, please stick to NO CONTACT so your healing can start. This site has a tremendous amount of gems to help you achieve this. Make GPYP your daily routine from now on.
Simone,
You are right NO CONTACT. In fact, I have no desire to even speak to him at this point. After being such a support to me and being so loving and caring and to do this, he is not the person I thought he was. The last email he sent was the day before my mother’s birthday and 11 days prior to the 2nd anniversary of her death. Knowing how upsetting this time of year is to me he ended the relationship like turning off a light. One day on and fine, next day turned off cold and over. I do not want to talk to someone who would treat anyone with that way. I feel like I have been discarded out the window on the side of the road like trash. My use to him ran out and when I mentioned commitment forever, out the window I went! No, I have no plans to ever contact him. I am seeing a great therapist and this time is all about me and moving my life forward. I am in a lot of pain over the rejection and the fact it came out of nowhere, but it has been a month since I have spoken to him and it is getting easier. It is just so hard this time of year. Last year we had a fantasic Christmas, one of the best Christmases I have had in my life and it was one year after buring my mother. She died Dec. 17, 2005 and we buried her on Dec. 23rd - two days before Christmas. 9 months after my mother’s death I met my boyfriend and it seemed perfect from day one. We did everything together and spoke on the phone everyday and if we were both in town we were always together. we are both in sales and travel so there were a couple days some weeks we did not see each other. We had just spent a week in Hilton Head, then my birhtday, then the end. I didn’t see it coming. It was like a blow out of nowhere. But now as the fog is slowly starting to clear in my mind I see the controling things he started doing to push me away. The hints of his intentions NOT to ever marry me. I just feel as though my time is running out to ever marry and that is something i have always wanted. Not to just anyone, believe me I am picky, but the right guy and that is what I thought I found. Plus, I didn’t only lose him but also his parents who treated me as a part of their family. They were so wonderful to me. This is his decision and I know in a month or two things will be much better. Things will be much better as soon as it is January 2, 2008 — get through Christmas and New Years! Thanks for the post, it feels good to get feedback on my situation. I have never shared my experiences with the world like this before.
Merry Christmas!
Well, i had a 2 year relation with the most gorgeous girl in the world.A month ago she moved to another country to work.After two weeks, no ‘i miss you’ no ‘i love you’ no mails no pictures,just 5 word offlines on IM.She became very distant.After much questioning i found that she was living with another man in the same apartment, sharing the same bed. I mean 2 years don’t mean anything? Well, this was my Christmas present. .I dont know what i’m going to do.All my future was with her.Now there’s no future.
I can’t sleep i can’t eat i can’t go to work. Everything is just gone,i’ve got nothing now.She was everything to me.What am i going to do now?????????
Gorgeous is as gorgeous does. She doesn’t sound gorgeous to me.
What you do is go through the grief, work on your own life so you don’t make anyone your everything again, and get back on your feet. Not eating and not sleeping is normal but should soon pass (if it doesn’t, seek professional help),
She may have done you a favor by showing you the true her. Work on you, get healthy and attract healthy people. You CAN do this!!! Be good to Sebi.
Peace,
Susan
I met him on Skype almost 8 months ago, we started talking everyday using our webcams and suddendly we fell in love. He is from Canada and I am from Venezuela. After 4 months talking everyday, I decided to travel there. We met on august, we made a tour visiting different cities and everything was perfect. He even proposed on our 4 anniversary. I had to get back because summer was over, but everything was perfect. He started his master on september and I went back to university. We had plans to see each other again during xmas. The plan included me going there and after that he could come here with me to meet my parents. Anyway, everything was completly normal until 7 weeks ago, when we were talking about getting our tickets and then we started to fight because he told me that it was a better idea if he came during his spring brake insted of xmas, so I told him that his parents didn’t want him to come here (because we always had problems with that) so he got mad and quit the conversation wituout even saying goodbye and stopped talking to me since that day. After that, he hasn’t talked to me. He only sent me one email a week later saying that he was tired of us and that he moved out of his house and quit his job. I kept calling him, but he never answer his phone. I called his dad and he told him to talk to me (because I realdy had my ticket booked for this december), he sent me another email telling me that he was tired of us, and that he was sorry. I still don’t understand why he did that, he told me that he didn’t even know why he doesn’t feel like he always felt with me anymore. He is 23 and I am 22, I am finishing med school and my plan was to move there with him once I was done with classes. He is an engineer and just started his master this year. We were so in love, we were engaged, he was so perfect and then he changed into this weird person. I feel so bad, I am so depress and can’t get over him. Please, I need some adviced.
Mariana: You CAN get over him. It takes a while, but it’s possible. Some people don’t get weird until after you marry them, so you have dodged a bullet here. You can see that this weird person is who he is. It’s easy to fantasize and pretend to be someone you are not in the beginning of the relationship, but when the “long haul” begins is when people’s true colors start to show.
He showed you who he is. Someone who is fickle and not dependable and overly influenced by his parents. Do you want someone like that? No you do not.
You are on the cusp of a brilliant career and a wonderful life. It is going to be FABULOUS and you are probably lucky you did not allow this guy to hitch his wagon to your star.
You can get over this. Be good to you and know that he is the one who lost out. Eventually you will find someone who appreciates you and is worthy to share your life. He’s not it.
Be good to you.
Peace,
Susan