7/31 Check in

Happy last day of July! How is everyone doing?

Forgiveness, Closure, Making Amends

I received 3 emails this week about steps 8 & 9 (one person in AA, one person in Alanon and one person in CoDA). First of all, I am so happy to see so many 12 steppers working the steps. But everyone is stuck on Step 8 (made a list of person we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all) and 9 (Made direct amends whenever it is possible except when to do so would injure them or others).

Here is one letter that sounds like the other two:

Susan I have a very important question, and I think it’s very relevant to all these posts. I’m just about to embark on my Step 8 for Codependency – it’s a very exciting and also slightly daunting time. I know making amends to those I have wronged will ultimately be very liberating, though. Yet I’m baffled how to handle it with Bananahead. We’re still currently NC a year and a bit after our break up. He stepped over every boundary I had and I let him, it was a very unhealthy relationship. At the time I didn’t realise that my behaviour was probably very controlling – buying him presents, giving him sex when he wanted (and sometimes when I didn’t), baking him nice things, dressing to his desires, narrowing MY life in order I may spend more time with him. I wanted to KEEP him and control him into making choices to be with ME. There were choices he made which i HATED. Yet I chose to stay with him, and not walk away. And from this I learned about myself, and – a lot thanks to this website – I decided to make the journey to a better life. He’s a narcissist. And we’re NC. I feel I wish to apologize for trying to control things at times. Yet am reluctant. Is this my pride? Or am I protecting myself by staying NC? And not giving an inch to a narcisisst? (I feel he may use my sincere apology against me)? What do you think? I don’t know the answer yet so am hoping it comes to me. I’m sitting and waiting. Your advice helps me in so many areas. I’ll also email this to you as I’m sure there are other readers unsure of how the apology / making amends for our wrongs bit works when the BH did SO much more bad stuff! You are a legend, thanks in advance.

We all have this “I’m sorry….” vision of making amends and it is not that. If every alcoholic had to go to every person they harmed and say “I’m sorry…” chances are a lot of people would get hurt (including the repentant alcoholic). It’s just not that way. There are 3 considerations when making amends: forgiveness (yours and theirs), closure (yours), making amends (for you).

Forgiveness: First of all forgiveness is a goal, it’s often done in stages and too often people use the fact that they haven’t fully forgiven someone to beat themselves over the head with it.

You can “try” to forgive someone but if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Often forgiveness happens in stages and sometimes forgiveness happens when you least expect and sometimes it never happens.

Second of all, forgiveness, like closure, is about YOU.

Being The Bad Guy

This was originally written (in early 2009) to a poster whose comment said:

But what does one do when all the processing, all the thinking and replaying and analyzing, comes down to the following core realization (even trying to be as objective as possible): “I, and I alone, was the bad guy, not him!” This has been my burden, my quicksand. Or that it’s been so long now, I don’t even know my reality–I don’t know if he was uncompromising or if that was me. I can’t give him all the “bad guy” points he might deserve, because I’m certain I gave him too many when we were together–and never let him forget it.

Summer Bootcampers

Please send me an email about a possible extra session. Thanks.

Dating and Relating I

First in a series. Please ask your questions here and will be answered in future posts and seminars.

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This has been posted on the blog and much is in the book. Ask questions, make comments, even if you’re not ready. Think about what you’re eventually looking for in the dating/relationship future.

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These are a few tips for those of you venturing out into the dating world. I hope that you venture forth after you’ve done your grief work and learned to spend some time with yourself and know more about yourself than you did before your last relationship. If that is the case, take the healthy dating tips to heart and ENJOY YOURSELF!

New Seminar Offering

Held in midtown NYC Tuesday September 21st 6:30 to 9:30.

Dating and Relating: How To Move On After the Big Breakup

You’ve been broken up for a while. You’ve read GPYB, you’ve done the inventories, looked at yourself, on changing your life. You feel better, you look better and you’re finally ready to take the plunge after a big breakup. Or maybe it’s just putting a toe in the water. Or maybe you’re not ready, but you’re wondering: will I ever be ready? What does the future hold for me in dating and relating?

You have lots of questions. Will I think of my ex? What if everyone I meet is a loser? What if I try to be myself and get rejected? What if I fall into old traps? What if I ignore red flags I’ve worked so long to recognize? How soon is too soon? How do I tell someone I’m not ready for a relationship? How do I handle rejection? How do learn to not settle and walk away? How do I set boundaries? How can I take care of myself and start to give to another? How do I know if I am ready to get serious? How do I know if I’m being too picky? What do I do about all this fear?

And many other questions will be answered in this one night seminar on moving on after the big breakup.

A 3 hour seminar with a Q&A designed to answer your many questions and others you have not even thought of yet. Even if you’re not ready to date yet, join us to find out the questions you need to be asking to figure out when you will be ready.

Registrations are limited. Multi-registrations are discounted (bring your friends!)

Held in midtown Tuesday September 21st 6:30 to 9:30.

REGISTER HERE

Abuser’s Remorse

Repost links as triggered by comments. Please discuss any/all of these reposts in this post so that everyone does not have to keep jumping around between old posts. Link to “Repeating the Past” fixed. Thank you Very Feisty!

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Abuser’s Remorse

The Abusive Relationship

Repeating the Past

The Passive-Aggressive Personality

Taking Back Your Power

Doormat Syndrome

Good People Are Not Doormats

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Susan J. Elliott, M.Ed., J.D.
Author: Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Da Capo 2009).
To order the book click HERE

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Email this post to a friend

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The GPYB Domestic Violence Project

Was Your Relationship Good For You?

Someone asked for “the relationship checklist” and I assume this is it. Pls let me know if it’s not.

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I did a post last year about what a healthy relationship looks like but here is a ten-question checklist for you to think about in trying to decide whether or not your relationship is / was good for you:

Focus Fitness

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. ~ Calvin and Hobbes

Long-time blog readers know that I recommend at least an hour a day and several on the weekend (or whenever your days off are) of turning everything and everyone OFF and being unreachable. Believe me, the world will not end. I do it all the time and my “people” (kids, friends, colleagues) know I do it so they leave messages.

People HATE to be told this. Hate it hate it hate it. Because it’s so hard to do. But having a healthy life means having control over your impulses and habits, not them having control over you. So here I am again.

It is important in grief, in building a new life, in concentrating on self that you actually have some concentration. Unfortunately technology seems to be training us all to have Attention Deficit Disorder.

Grief: Necessary for Healing and Moving On

Many of you will recognize much of this from the book (I worked this blog post…written in 2007…into the book), but it’s worth repeating and expounding on.

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Grief is itself a medicine. ~ William Cowper

Grief will happen either as an open healing wound or a closed festering wound, either honestly or dishonestly, either appropriately or inappropriately. But emotions will be expressed. ~ Elisabeth Kubler Ross

When a person has a cold, what they are feeling is their body driving out the virus. The runny nose, the watery eyes, the sore throat and the cough are symptoms of a strange and wonderful dance the human body does to rid itself of the rhinovirus which invades the body. A person feels the worst at the peak of their immune’s system response…when the body has marshalled all of its power against the virus to keep it from duplicating itself…

Co-parenting

This article reflects a lot of what I say in the book about co-parenting. The consistency theme is most important (although the book goes into what to do when the other is not so into it). And the “KIDS ORIENTED” theme reflects what I talk about in going NC with a co-parent.

http://www.emaxhealth.com/1506/co-parenting-provides-stability-children-after-divorce

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Susan J. Elliott, M.Ed., J.D.
Author: Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Da Capo 2009).
To order the book click HERE

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Email this post to a friend

Letting Your Light Shine

My biggest issue in life was abandonment. And I gravitated to people who would eventually abandon me. And fear of abandonment and acting out on such leads to more abandonment. Sometimes you can’t blame the abandoning partner. Would you stay with Crazy Cakes? Even if you had your own issues and you know your partner is acting out the craziness both of you feel, you might run for the hills when Miss Ranty Pants comes a calling.

Stupid Behavior

And I have to ask, how crazy is the boyfriend if these two are his choices?

http://www.nj.com/hobokennow/index.ssf/2010/07/two_women_fight_over_a_guy_out.html

and if nothing changes, nothing changes:

http://www.aolnews.com/story/women-fight-over-72-year-old-man/393271

7/24 Check-in

Happy Saturday. How is everyone doing?

ALONE

I know I just posted about this recently but here are some other thoughts:

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It seems unfair when the ex-BH finds someone and you’re still alone. It’s NOT. Learning about you and how to build a life YOU like is better than running from one failed relationship to the next.

When the MoAB left to go play footsie with his hotsie totsie girlfriend he told me I was jealous because he had someone. Maybe I waS. They were in the throes of puppy love sending each other cute notes and talking on the phone for hours on end. I was a wreck. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. And I had to sift through the ruins of a horrible relationship. I had no job, 3 kids, no place to live and bills piling up to the ceiling.

Public Service Announcement: Tourists

This has nothing to do with this blog or breakups. If you can do one “pay it forward” thing this week, please pass on the attached article to anyone you know coming to NYC to visit. This is my attempt at boundary-setting to an entire group of people and making both of us happier. Seriously. We don’t hate you. But we have to live and work here and you make that very difficult sometimes.

Tourists have become a thorn in my side this summer. I truly am cranky, crabby and about to scream at them so loud that New Jersey will hear me. I walk 12 blocks to and from work each day. I have to cut a swath across the city. Not a day goes by that I don’t bark at a tourist, “We’re not ALL on vacation! MOVE.” after saying “Excuse me” like 5 times.

And they look at me like I’m insane. Although it’s tough to tell, New York City is NOT Disney World. People live here and work here and put up with a crowd of tourists every single day. So while you are home next week in your abode in who knows where, we’ll still be here dealing with the next batch.

The Other Person in The Mirror

Requested repost.

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If your ex has gone to someone else or fooled around with someone else and you suspect that person has something you don’t have. They do. They won the boobie bananahead prize. Not the golden ring.

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An affair holds up a vanity mirror; it gives a rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a makeup mirror; it magnifies every little flaw… ~ Shirley Glass

During the last months of my first marriage, the fighting had reached epic proportions. I could do nothing right. I tried and tried but was criticized at every turn.

By our phone was a slip of paper where the MoAB kept phone numbers.

Updates on Events

My understanding is that the meetup was great. If anyone wants to organize a meetup for the meetup.com group, let me know on the group’s board at meetup.com and I’ll make sure the message gets out.
To join the meetup, go here:

http://www.meetup.com/GettingPastYourBreakup/

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The summer bootcamp has one more session left. That went by fast!

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The Thursday night fall bootcamp is sold out with paid registrations. There are spots left on Tuesday night.

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The weekend “bootcamp” November 12, 13, 14 has changed to a Grief Recovery seminar. Meaning you do not have to be grieving a breakup to come or perhaps your Relationship/Life/Parent Inventories led you to uncover other unresolved loss.

In this weekend, we will cover all aspects of the grief process, help you to understand intellectually and help you work through your most significant losses.

It will be an intense but uplifting and healing weekend.

As a Grief Recovery Specialist, certified by the Grief Recovery Institute, I will be following the Grief Recovery Handbook and the Getting Past Your Breakup book as well as other texts and articles on grief not in these 2 books. Course materials will include the GR Handbook, the GPYB book, and many handouts.

It will be a very productive weekend but hopefully we can all put the work aside and enjoy dinner together on Saturday night. :)
Click HERE for Event Registration

Settling

Back in February / March I was on the radio/tv like every single day (no exaggeration) and a book came out at the time called Mr. Good Enough and every other interviewer (it seemed) wanted to know what I thought. I wrote a post called Settling and included some OTHER posts and letters in it. Long-winded, but hey, you can’t be skimping on talking about settlin’ :)

The other thing is that certain characters in my stories that I’ve used as examples over and over are being retired today. I deleted a whole section of this post that had to do with the bananahead from graduate school. I’m sick of him and talking about him and refuse to devote another keystroke to that. Ick. Also the two “friends” I talk about here. Done. Over with.

I’ve had to keep reaching back for bad examples and those were the last three ones that I weathered but it was all over 10 years so it’s time to stop talking about it, even if it’s just to give examples. So they’re done. I’ll try to find other examples from my students and readers and general life. :)

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My response about “Mr. Good Enough” is that I teach here and in the book and in seminars that the important thing is to know your standards. To know what you will and will not put up with. To be willing to be alone (or not) than to be in a bad relationship. I ran this letter a little while ago but want to run it again because what follows are the four posts I’ve written on the topic. It’s long and you don’t have to read it all…but it’s food for thought if you are evolving your standards. . Just for the topic’s sake. Only you can decide what is good enough and if it’s good enough for you.

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Hi Susan,

I’m currently recovering from a lifetime of codependence and am about six months into my recovery. It’s such an exciting time for me, all of the puzzle pieces of my previously dysfunctional life finally fit. It’s been a huge relief finally discovering what’s been amiss all of these years and every day presents me with new and exciting opportunities to heal and grow.

Your blog has been a god-send, I read every day though I don’t post. I had something that I want to ask about because I’m having trouble discerning normal from extreme these days.

I have a close male friend, one of my better friends, but as I grow I begin to see more and more things that are just not quite right with him. For example, after returning from vacation yesterday, we went to lunch together. It had been three weeks since we’d really talked. As I was telling him a story from my vacation, he spotted an attractive lady in the restaurant. He stopped listening to me and focused all of his attention on this lady until I finally made a comment about it. This behavior is not at all unusual for him, as a matter of fact, it’s happened many times before. He sees someone he can’t keep his eyes off of and I sit there continuing to chat away as if I haven’t noticed.

For the first time, I called him out on it and told him it was rude and disrespectful. I’m not jealous that he looks at other women, I would feel the same way if I were having a meaningful conversation with a girlfriend and she were tuning me out to drool over some man in the room. The issue is that immediately after I said something, I began wondering if my reaction was too extreme. Are my expectations realistic? How do we know if we are being too picky with people?

Reminder Thurs 7/22

NYC Meetup
http://www.meetup.com/GettingPastYourBreakup/

Join and then RSVP to Susie!