Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

I’ve heard people say, “Just give it time and it will heal.” or “Time heals all wounds.” or “The only cure for a broken heart is giving it time.”

NO

NO

NO

NO

While it does indeed take TIME to heal a broken heart, a loss, a life-changing event, the WAY the time is spent is what is important to your healing.

You can’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs and thinking that as soon as enough time passes, you’ll feel fine and dandy once again.

You won’t.

Forgiveness Redux

Don’t forgive too soon. Forgiveness is never a quick fix. It is a process. ~ Rev. Susan Cartmell

There is a saying that forgiveness is very freeing.

And it is.

But the caveat is that it is freeing ONLY when done at the right time and for the right reason.

If you’ve been hurt, you may be told by others to let go of your anger and forgive, you’ll feel so much better. The truth is that you can only forgive after you’ve worked through your anger and pain.

Mail. We Get Mail When They Were or Are A Drug Addict

I am 28 My Bf was 35. We had what I thought was a great relationship we were together for about a year and a half and prior to that we were good friends for about 2 years. At the beginning of our relationship I caught him going into the bathroom with about four other guys, I know a few of this guys did cocaine. I asked him what he was doing and he insisted he didn’t do any drugs and that they just sometimes all took a piss together. I never believed that and after that I was always suspicious of these particular friends. I always got along great with his other friends, his work friends his family but I didn’t not like it when he would hang out with these particular guys. For the first year or so they hardly came around. and when they did They used to come to his house and do drugs in the bathroom and I would make sure my bf wasn’t doing anything, He would never tell those guys to go home or not to do that stuff. Most of our fights were caused because of these particular friends that did drugs. about 2 months ago we finally had a big blow out over these drug friends and he said I was trying to tell him who he could and couldn’t see and that I shouldn’t make him choose, which I didn’t I just asked that he tell them not to bring cocaine around. he said that’s not fair to him. He said that I degraded him by accusing him of doing drugs and that his friends know he didn’t do that stuff. But one friend said to him before since when don’t u do it. There have been other situations where a drug dealer called him at like four in the morning and said he didn’t know who it was.

Mail. We Get Mail on OCD and Long Distance and Choosing

Hi Susan,

You may answer this on the blog…

I have just started getting to know someone new from a dating site, and we are thinking about making plans to meet if things continue to go well. (He lives far away but has been wanting to relocate to my area.) We are both around 50. I definitely have had codependency issues in the past, but getting better. He seems very nice, very thoughtful, and “different” — not in bad ways, but in slightly puzzling ways. I’m having trouble sorting out what’s what. For instance, under the circumstances, it might be a big red flag that he’s never been married at his age, but then again, it might not…

It’s very early days, but we seem compatible in so many ways, and I’d like to see where this is going to go. The thing is, he told me very early on that he has OCD and generalized anxiety disorder. He said these were undiagnosed in his young adulthood, then for some years after his diagnosis in his 30s he resisted medication because he thought it was a “weakness,” or a “crutch,” or something like that, and now he says the symptoms are under control because he’s been taking medication for about the last five years. He seems to be, in general, almost painfully honest and sincere, as well as courteous and kind. He wanted me to know about the OCD/GAD so there wouldn’t be any “unpleasant surprises” later… Apparently most women run the other way as soon as he tells them. Do they know something I don’t know?

He seems so sweet, but I need to know what I might be getting into. I could only find one quick mention of OCD on your site, and the info on the internet is massive and hard to wade through. I’m enjoying him so much thus far, and I don’t want to assume that this is gonna necessarily turn out to be a dysfunctional mess like the bipolar/borderline/whatever bananahead that brought me to your site in the first place (it sure isn’t starting out like that one did!), but I don’t want to just waltz on in to a potential train wreck, either. I love myself and I love my life! Everybody has problems and nobody will be perfect, but realistically, what am I looking at here?

Thank you so much for your time. I’ve already learned more from you than I can even realize at this point.

Thanks for writing.

There are a lot of challenges here. The first is the distance and if he was in process of relocating to where you live or thought about it prior to meeting you or now thinks its a good idea. I would beware of anyone who is long-distance but dangles the idea of moving to where you are. Both because it might give you something to hope for and second because it could be kind of creepy or maybe just dependent in a non-creepy kind of way .

11/8 Check-in Thread

New thread! (I know I’m late but I’ve been a bit busy)

As always, if you had posted in the last one and it wasn’t answered, feel free to post here. We don’t want anyone to feel ignored!!

How is everyone doing?

Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda Redux

In response to comments:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

When I was moving along, nicely, through my recovery I was working at things about 7 years and then I had a series of losses that rocked me. I felt as if someone had pulled the plug on my life. My job was laying off, my adoptive mother, whom I had spent 7 years trying to work on a relationship with, was dying. I had been looking for my birth family and was getting close when I realized I needed to stop because I could not handle the emotional turmoil in my adoptive family with finding my birth family. Then my adoptive mother died and 5 months later my dog who was a healthy and happy animal who had protected me and my children after my separation, died suddenly. Then I resumed my search for my brother and found out that he had died a few years earlier.

I was living in a different state from my therapist so I found a new one who was an excellent grief therapist. He was very familiar with grief having lost his first wife suddenly at a young age. We talked about a lot of things. Seeing him, combined with doing grief groups as outlined in the Grief Recovery Handbook, helped me enormously. But one conversation in particular struck me.

It was a day I was full of regret. I thought about my mother’s last day and the nurse had come in to give her some morphine. Within the hour she died. I was convinced, for months, that it was that last shot of morphine that killed her.

My dog had suffered a premature death because, I was convinced, I had made the wrong medical choices for him even though I had made the ones that I was convinced would save his life. He had a bad, unpredictable reaction to the treatment I had agreed to, and died sooner than expected.

When I did search for my birth family after my adoptive mother had died, I found that my brother Edward, who was the whole reason for my search, had died a few years later I was upset that I hadn’t looked for them earlier. I had to get “emotionally ready” and in doing so I lost my only chance of seeing my brother again. It was all my fault.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

The Person Who Left Me Doesn’t Miss Me

I hear it all the time, “I want him or her to miss me.” or “I want to know I mattered.” or “How could he or she just go on like that as if I wasn’t there?”

We’ve talked time and time again on here and in the book about this holding onto the opinion of the ex.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

Either ex-bananahead left you or was such a bananahead that you left.

This event says, “There’s something wrong with us. It can’t be fixed.’

Someone broke up with someone. And they broke up because it wasn’t working or wasn’t enough to avoid temptation of other people, places or things. Or it was just not a fun time. One person gets a clue. Any number of good reasons. Any number of stupid reasons. People break up for many, many reasons. And sometimes none of them make any sense.

Sometimes one person is frustrated and upset in the relationship and decided to break it off to show their partner what life is life without them. This person breaks up, not with the expectation of moving on, but with expectations that their partner will have a D-BOM moment, of a complete turnaround, of an “oh shit what have I lost?” minute.

Predicting the Future by the Past

We climb to heaven most often on the ruins of our cherished plans, finding our failures were successes. ~ Amos Bronson Alcott

As the GPYP book is tag lined, the breakup of my first marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me. In that marriage I was focused on my misery and hated every second of my life. I hated my husband for almost 4 years before we broke up. But my fear of abandonment, and my secret thought that I was really the failure and at fault for the failure of my marriage, kept me hanging on or in there.

I wasn’t a dutiful wife trying to “make it work.” I wasn’t staying for the children. I wasn’t convinced we would turn it around. I wasn’t dutiful, I didn’t believe the children were benefiting from our being married and I knew we would never ever turn it around.

Breaking NC: Danger!

Sometimes (okay a lot of times) when I read about an ex attempting to get one of the good readers of GPYP to break NC, this phrase comes to mind. Like every time.

The Horror That Can Be Reconcilliation

On GPYP we don’t discuss reconcilliation attempts. We just don’t. Everything GPYP teaches comes from my personal and professional life and academic research. Maybe there are therapists somewhere that have a high rate of reconcilliations that work out, but I have not personally experienced that. Couple dynamics can be changed and recharted through couples counseling but it’s an intense (and usually long) process.

I know couples who have successfully gone through counseling who are married and/or have children and lots at stake and two committed people. I’m not talking about couples counseling in this post, I’m talking about a breakup and then attempts at reconcilliation. Rarely have I seen that work out and never with people who haven’t been together or married a long, long time.

The only exception to that rule is what I call the “event defining” break…a drunken episode and then the couple go to AA and/or Al-anon and work their programs and come back together….or the death of a child…where I have seen more than one couple go to their separate corners, unable to share the pain, and eventually come back together later in the grieving process. But besides these two “event defining” breakups, I haven’t seen many reconcilliations that work out or any apart from these situations (except for one couple who, while broken up, found meditation and yoga together and now are all Zen about everything on the planet).

Professionally I haven’t seen it and I haven’t heard about it from many other therapists. I don’t study it and there may be entire bodies of work that I’m missing, but my professional experience and my personal experience is that they don’t work.

And sometimes just trying reconcilliation, if you have certain histories, can be a trauma.

Grief and Depression Posts

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/06/01/grief-self-pity-and-depression-2/

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2009/08/05/are-you-depressed-2/

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/grief-ends-bank-on-it-believe-in-it/

Transmogrification When They Break NC

Calvin & HObbes copyright Bill Watterson

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So many people struggle with the random, out of the blue contact from the ex and let their heads whirl around no matter how much or how little they’ve said. So many people ask the same question over and over again: “I’ve been NC. This person [the EX] called/wrote/contacted me out of the blue. I was doing well. Now I’m not. What should I do?”

Everyone says the same thing: It is “I was resolute in my NC and then THEY broke contact. Now I am all aflutter. What do I do now?” Then they put the random message along with the ex and the view of the relationship in the transmogrifier in their head and turn the message into something they need to respond to.

Step away from the transmogrifier. it’s an illusion. An ex is an ex for a reason. Stay no contact.

10/24 Check-in Thread

New thread!

As always, if you had posted in the last one and it wasn’t answered, feel free to post here. We don’t want anyone to feel ignored!!

How is everyone doing?

Answering Mail

I try to answer email but I receive about 50 emails a week with about 25 asking for an individual answer that the sender does not want posted on the blog. I can’t really answer emails unless I can do so on the blog. If you want ME to know the background but don’t want the details posted on the blog, please include the background and then what is publishable on the blog. Sometimes I republish older posts in response to mail (esp if a theme is developing in email) but I like to do a Mail post every week. I also don’t think it’s fair to my coaching clients to answer long individual emails privately (because that is what I do for them and they pay for it).

BUT if you’ve sent me mail and said it’s okay to publish on the blog (or some version thereof) please resend with “okay to put on the blog” in the subject line. I am just way way behind as I’ve been doing a lot of writing for work and traveling and have fallen behind.

I also periodically have personal coaching slots available but I apologize that I don’t have any right now. So individual attention has to be in the form of a publishable letter right now.

Thanks for understanding everyone!

Deciding to Move On

I seem to run this every 3 months and it’s in response to an email I received today. You can sit on your hands all you want and move away from the computer etc etc but after a while, nothing is going to help if you do not actively choose to move on.

I’ve run this three times before but it’s for new readers.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~ Helen Keller

Who doesn’t “get over” it?

The first type is the person who refuses to acknowledge that they had a loss or refuses to do any work that they need to do on themselves. They repress all the hurt and anger and go on to repeat the same mistakes over and over again with the same type of people. They might do some emoting in the beginning but they either go on as if nothing happened or stay stuck in a surface malaise. Nothing is really bad but nothing is really good either. They are maintaining and life is not about maintaining. Life is about living.

I hear people like this on the blog. People tell them what to do to get over it and it’s clear from their subsequent posts that they are NOT LISTENING. They’re not really looking for answers. They’re just talking and talking.

You must talk about it and get it out. That’s why the blog is here and very often you can and will repeat yourself over and over again and that’s okay. It’s part of the process. You must journal and let it out but you can’t JUST talk.

You have to do the work.

You have to read the books, do the inventories, go to therapy, meetings and support groups. NOT JUST TALK. There is no utility in JUST talking. Talking is very important even if you’re talking in circles but you can’t JUST talk.

You have to do more than just talk. Just talking isn’t going to get you anywhere. Justifications and rationalizations are not going to get you anywhere. No talk talk talk and nothing else.

The next type who never get over it are those who get stuck in the emotional mud and never seem to get out of it. What they don’t realize is that although processing your feelings results in healing and cleansing, at some point you need to decide to get on with your life.

October NC Chips: Celebrate Victories; Share Challenges; Give and Get Support

It’s that time of the month again!

No contact (NC) is truly the key to moving on. It’s a big, important topic which is why it’s the first chapter in the book. Even if you work with, have children with, mutual friends with, NC is possible in that you only speak when you have to, you don’t get into emotional issues, everything is very business like. If you don’t share anything like that, going NC is very important: CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. And NC includes passive contact like looking at his or her Facebook page or allowing friends or family to tell you what the ex is doing. Set those boundaries and tell the world you DO NOT want to hear it.

Anyway, long before the book came out we gave NC chips for staying NC for various lengths of time (as they do in 12-step programs). We also talk about issues and struggles for those not NC a long time. We have 24 hour chips which means for this 24 hours you will commit to NC!

I notice a lot of you have struggled and slipped into the “Breaking NC” pool of sludge. If you break NC or respond to your NC-breaking bananahead ex, you don’t “go back to square one.” You have had progress along the way and it’s easier once you’ve done it a while to do it again. So shower and get right back to NC. And tell us what you’ve learned Dorothy.

So leave your concerns, issues, questions, stories here and

Come get your chips!!!

NC Chips

24 hours: white
30 days: yellow
60 days: green
90 days: blue
6 months: purple
9 months: red
1 year or more: GOLD

Pick up your chip! Tell us what chip you get and how you did it. Share your NC power of example! Talk about how long you’ve been NC and what it’s been like for you.

I would also suggest, in the way of being good to you, to BUY yourself an actual chip, a real chip and keep it on your dresser/bureau or some other prominent place as a reminder of how WELL you are doing. Standard poker chips are fine but the gold ones can be a nice round gold piece from a jewelry store or buy a chain with a nice round gold pendant. If you’ve been a NC you definitely deserve something nice. Make your symbol REAL and not just virtual!

If you’re struggling with NC, talk about your biggest challenges to NC and what is standing in your way and if you need help/support.

What are your challenges? What are your issues?

Thinking and Doing and Feeling

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. – MK Gandi

One of the most important things I was ever told is something I routinely tell others: know what you think, know what you feel and then act on what you think and feel. If you don’t know or what you think and feel are two different things: DO NOTHING.

But while we are doing nothing or observing what is going on around us so that we can absorb it and then figure out a plan of action, our daily thoughts should be gearing toward the positive.

It’s as if we are just in learning mode. Think of it like sitting in a classroom. Now the classroom is life. Instead of acting and reacting and behaving without thinking, we’ve toned it all down.

We’re learning to step back and observe others and observe ourselves and what thoughts and feelings come up in response to those around us, but we do not know how to intuitively respond. YET.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I haven’t had any notifications to give matching donations of the book since July but I have donated some to shelters myself.

Please consider donating through the GPYP Give a Book project. I have received very nice letters from the shelters appreciating the donations and you will too. The upcoming holidays are stressful time and DV tends to rise at this time of year. Please consider giving a book or making a donation of some other kind.

I am a DV survivor and many of the techniques I outline in the GPYB book are techniques that saved my life, empowered me, gave me a strong sense of self and helped me to go on and help others. So please consider passing that book onto others who may not have heard of it.

Details here: http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gpyp-scholarship-fund

Thank you.

Closure Again

Long-time blog readers might recall that someone from the local (NYC) news called me for a comment on how parents whose children were killed on campus during the Virginia Tech shooting could get “closure.” The interview would be six minutes long. I declined not because I can’t be media succinct (as they require), but I felt this was not the topic to do so. I’m not a fameball who will spout on any topic in any short amount of time when that is inappropriate.

I was interviewed today on Dublin radio (Ireland) and the topic of closure after breakups kept coming up. I could probably boil closure down to 3 minutes if it was about breakups but they gave me time to explain it.

After the interview an Irish listener emailed me and asked about closure again, not quite understanding what I said. She asked several times, “What if the person refuses to talk to you? How can you get closure?” I repeated that it is not necessary for the person to speak to you. Even if you get to ask everything, you won’t be satisfied. If you harbor thoughts or feelings that the relationship can be repaired or the breakup was wrong, you’re not going to be able to listen to “I’m just not into it…” or “Remember that fight we had over dinner 2 weeks ago. That was the last straw for me.” Your brain is going to go “WHAT??? That CAN’T be.”

And this person, like other people, just didn’t get it. She didn’t get WHY she couldn’t get the answers and kept insisting how she needed it and need to talk to him and nothing else would do. I suggested she read my book and read about closure but she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t expect her ex is going to have any luck getting “it’s over” across to her.

As I’ve said in the book and on this blog, you cannot get “closure” from somewhere else or someone else. You cannot go through a divorce and ask your ex to talk to you about the relationship or remaining issues under the guise of needing “closure.” You don’t need the answers to move on. You don’t need to know what your ex thinks about you or anything else for that matter in order to move on, do your grief work, integrate the loss into your life and turn the page.

It doesn’t matter what the answers are. It doesn’t matter what the questions are. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

Your “closure” is your responsibility. And you get closure by doing your work, not re-engaging and dredging up more stuff, by keeping yourself safe and being good to yourself as you un-attach from that which you have been attached.

The healing comes from INSIDE YOU and that someone else’s explanation will not help you to closure.

Fear and Loathing in our Head

We recently had a discussion in the email group about self-judgment when we are feeling fear. But the response (“I hate being this way.”) is the polar opposite of how to heal that which upsets us about us.

When we have issues or emotions or behaviors that we don’t like, it is not helpful (in fact it is hurtful) to say “What a jerk I am….” or “How weak I am…” or whatever. If you’ve read the Affirmation chapter in the book, you know that the subconscious takes these statements as truth. The reason that positive affirmations work is that you can reprogram your subconscious given time (at least 30 days) and effort (taking the negative self talk out and putting the positive self talk in).

It’s really tough to recognize and see that this “severing off and judging” of our less-than-attractive emotional parts that “should be better” undermines our progress. When we feel fear or we start thinking about our ex or we do something like drive by his or her place of work and then say, “I’m so stupid. I’m so weak. I’m such a jerk. I’m such a baby. I can’t believe this bothers me…I suck.” we sever off those parts of us that feel fear or feel longing or feel “less than” and we judge them as unworthy and shoo them away. Thus the severed part can never be integrated and never be healed. We are unproductive when we do this.